Wirral Cops Get Lethal Tasers



by our ordnance reporter Lance Boil

The government has vowed to have all Wirral police armed with tasers by 2010, it was revealed yesterday.

Wirral Met met with ministers last week to discuss the training schedule for the new weapons. Their use in the USA has been a resounding success with only 300 deaths since they were first used in the US and Canada.

The move was welcomed by the Association of Chief Police Officers (Acpo), which said trials showed that, in the majority of cases, tasers helped police resolve incidents without resorting to diplomacy. 'Most of the time, tasers work well in bringing street justice to troublesome individuals,' spoke CPO spokesman, Rhys Tater, from the tinted window of his £4000-a-year luxury Jaguar convertible last Sunday. 'The rest of the time a small minority, mostly asthmatics, people with heart problems or innocent passers-by, tend to get cut in half by the weapon. We're issuing the slightly smaller version which should reduce the death rate to a more PR-friendly 20%'.

Opponents of the weapon voiced their concerns that friendly fire was to be expected, especially when the lasers are in the hands of Wirral's notoriously ill-trained, under-paid, fun-loving, teenaged police officers. 'There are fears in the community that the police won't just use their tasers on scallies and no-marks', said veteran moaner, Rory Lions. 'Pensioners are especially worried that being tased might interfere with their pacemakers and, more problematically, their benefits'.

When asked, Wirral Met's spokesman revealed that he was planning to 'set mine to stun'.
Tasers supplied by Jedi Solutions, Runcorn.

Ken Dodd Artist Revealed!


by our culture correspondent, Jess Tickulate

Art fans and humanitarian agencies remain resolutely stunned today as news broke this weekend of the true identity of the artist behind the notorious 'Doddy' portrait.

Our secret sources within Wirral's close-knit art community leaked the shocking facts on Saturday, just weeks after the portrait was exhibited at the Floral Pavilion, rumoured to be the painting's permanent home.

Ex-tungsten carbide drill-bit engineer, Fosworth Fingerfuvk, 19, told the Groan last Friday to expect a huge uproar some time this week. 'There's been rumours for weeks,' he told me over a tuna. 'The Wirral art community and humanity as a whole has been duped. The painting was done by a foreigner.' Indeed, as news broke on Tuesday, it seems our secret source was correct.

Rueters published shocking pictures of a child in nearby Indonesia who was painting reproductions of the ancient comedian at the alarming rate of 400 an hour. Along with 200 of his fellow artists, Sum Yung Kid, 8, is part of a huge child-labour ring specialising in Liverpudlian acts from yesteryear. 'He's very prolific', said his father and employer, Fe Fy Fophum, 18, from the parapet of his luxury home in Neston yesterday. 'He's knocked out over 2000 Stan Boardmans and a quarter of a million Doddies. Hopefully, we are adding a Tom O'Connor triptych next year!'

But Save The Children have other ideas. They see the young artist as part of a huge trade in gifted Third World toddlers, a trade that must be stopped before its too late. Todd Loftlurker, 22, a trained child abuse consultant for the group, fears for the safety of youngsters like Sum. 'They are being exploited,', he fumed from behind a steaming frapaccino at Elderlies in Liscard yesterday. 'And irresponsible entities like Wirral Council are culpable in child deaths caused by Repetitive Stress Injury and other made-up Western 'diseases'', He emphasised his final word by holding up both the index and middle fingers of both hands and bending them, twice.

The Floral Pavilion refused to comment, except to say that they do not condone child labour and would remove any illustrative reproductions created under inappropriate conditions. Job losses are expected to be announced shortly.

Obamania Hits Wirral!


By our current affairs correspondent, Ewan M. Bargough

Lunch-time shoppers and jobless men rejoiced when President elect, Barack Obama, visited Merseyside yesterday. In his address to his many supporters at the West Birkenhead African Women's Centre, he thanked them for their tireless campaigning on his behalf in the Prenton and Tranmere districts before collecting donations left since his last visit in 2006.

Wirral Groan journalist and part-time drug rehabilitationist, Falik Lunj, was there to hand over the sum of £400 in Monopoly money and two confiscated credit cards. 'It's a great day,' said Lunj, 77. 'Not only for Africa but for the region as a whole.'

Police say further donations, which have been previously invested in foreign fisheries, have yet to be discovered.

Celebs flock to Wirral film festival



By our cultural correspondent Phil Istine

Celebrity stalkers can rejoice as Wirral’s very own Film Festival kicked off this week to much acclaim. Celebrities flocked to the Hotel Swan to strut their stuff on the red carpet, in what is being billed as Merseyside’s rival to the Cannes film festival.

“We’ve got a beach, boats and a lorra prostitution, I can’t see what makes this film festival any different to Cannes” said festival director Lucas George from his 11 foot sail boat moored at Birkenhead’s Woodside.

The film festival will showcase the very best from Wirral film makers, old and new, including the internet film sensation ‘No leccy no worry’ by Neston based director Stefan Peelberg. “It was a shock to get nominated for such an event. It was only through the tens of thousands in funding the drama bites programme from North West Vision spent for me, it made this dream come true”.

Peelbergs drama is a short film which follows the tragic tale of two eastern European chicken giblet workers who find them self in rented accommodation in Deeside.

Other highlights include a short animated film by children from Leasowe primary school and a feature length action thriller based on the memoirs of Ex ferry captain Steven Shitharg.

Council closes Wirral

Wirral Borough Council last night announced they are closing the borough due to budget cut backs.

Bankrupt Wirral Council admitted last night that there are plans being drawn up to sell the Wirral to a Chinese state development company. BingBong Investments Inc, the holding company at the centre of this proposal, say demolishing the Wirral will create 12 jobs and ensure ‘Wirrals heritage is safe guarded for future Chinese tourism’.

A statement from the council said “Due to major budget deficits we are proposing to sell the Wirral and all its residents to the highest bidder.”

Shocked Wirral residents are unsure of what this news will mean.

“Agh, Bejesus, these cut backs are a disgrace, Wirraliens will have to go to Liverpool to find work, homes and drug dealers” commented ex New Brighton Labour councilor, Fat Packett, from the upstairs window of his mothers terraced home.

Local community leaders and elderly are in shock over the announcements. Betty Scalhard of Liscard Road is fuming, and its not just her credit crunch busting superkings from Boozebuster which are up in smoke. “We were all worried about cut backs when we heard the news Wirral Council had lost all the council tax money on an Icelandic cod farm investment. We never thought it would come to this though.”

Wirral Council chief executive, Steve Rimming, refused to comment on the cut backs last night. Speeding away from the town hall in his chauffeured gold platted humvie towards his penthouse flat above the new Floral Pavilion.

Panto Mega-stars Back Care Home


by our Showbiz correspondent, Neil Spredham

Celebrities were out in force last weekend when top panto stars bequeathed a stunning gift to a local nursing home.

Fans of pantomime stood back in awe at the weekend as stage legends, Ken Dodd, Pete Pric and Cpt. Steve Shitharg, fresh from their yuletide victory at the Floral Pavilion, came backstage to wish well-wishers well.

The three stars, currently appearing in the sell-out panto, Prats of the Caribbean, were dressed to impress when they stepped into the glare of press flashbulbs to donate $50,000 to their favourite Merseyside care facility (Grandry Homes for the Incontinent and Elderly) with Doddy elegant in a blue Armani, Shitharg deadly in a nehru-collared leather jump-suit and Pric, homely in a crimplene two-piece bequeathed to him by the Queen Mother.

Grandry have been in the forefront of care for the elderly since their creation in 1919 and have recently won several awards for their ultra-fast cleaning and feeding machines. Their high profile has led to several celebrity endorsements with Pete Pric just one of many who have signed up with Grandry for their retirement needs.

Ken Dodd is also a fan of the home and claims Ricky Tomlinson now spends most of his time between supermarket opening engagements at the home on the Wirral. 'It's the isolation from the bullshit and hullabaloo of the Merseyside celebrity scene that appeals to me', said Doddy over a pipe backstage on Saturday. 'Ricky Tommo turned me onto the place and now I go there to relax whenever the paparazzi are onto me'.

The cheque, presented here by Wirral Groan editor-in-chief, Michelle Suit, is made up from donations from fans and tax-payers and is to be invested in a profitable cod fisherie in Reykyavik.

Pric, Doddy, Shitharg in Piratical Panto


The plaintive wail of an ocean-bound gull screeched overhead as a trio of elderly women made their way out of the restaurant and gamely dodged the splashing waves breeching the gunwhale of the cruise ship.

Mildred Everton, her 5' 4" frame carrying a bulky fleshload, sprinted forward with her Lumix to take a hasty snap before thrusting the camera towards her friend. 'Go 'ead, Myrtle', she bellowed over the sea-roar. 'Take a pic of me with me teeth in!' As Myrtle struggled to comprehend the miniature device, Olive Tranmere screamed and pointed leeward. 'By Jemini,' she yelped, clutching a small iPod, starboard. 'Pirates!'

Sure enough, the mist that had plagued the ship since leaving Liverpool docks had parted and the shadowy shape of a aggressive-looking motor launch populated by leering, sweaty buccaneers hove into view. One, a menacing-looking Somalian bandit with a dislocated eye and several crooked teeth on a necklace, smeared back his eyebrows with a bruised and bloodied paw. 'Avast, me lovelies!' he roared. 'Avast, or I'll board thee!' The women, cowed and awed by the Somalian's brazen and unprovoked attack were just about to divest themselves of garments and belongings when a melancholy harmonica theme drifted sadly through the mist. The pirates paused and attempted to verify the location of the music, squinting ineffectually through the gloomy fog that swelled and eddied around them with little success.

Suddenly, a low growl rose from the deck where the pirates had initially landed and, as one, they turned to face the source of the sound. Gradually, through the drifting clouds, a mesmerising personality belying extreme maritime dissatisfaction emerged, carrying a cut-down AK pistol in one hand and dangling a pirate's head on a hook where the other had been some time previously. The white of his captain's uniform gleamed, underscoring the extreme trepidation experienced by pensioners and pirates both. His nostrils knotted, his pony tail fluttering heroically in the morning breeze, the captain instantly lunged through the air, decapitating three pirates with a sweep of his hook and blowing great holes in Myrtle with his AK, unecessarily.

'Great shivering albatross!' screamed the Somalian pirate and hostaged a weeping Olive. Captain Shitharg (for it was he), swivelled in the gore to face him, his weapon spent and steaming. 'Put down that gran...'

The pirate had only one second to scream before his body hit the water, followed shortly by his head. Anxious for their future job prospects, the remaining pirates threw themselves onto the deck of their ship, scrabbling for the controls. With a roar of venom, Shitharg, a veteran of close-combat seafaring for more than two decades, mined three of the surviving pensioners with Semtex and hurled them bodily through the cabin of the escaping craft, destroying it completely.

After the explosions and flames had died down, Shitharg heard the putter of a motor launch over the screams and groans of the dying crew and passengers. He looked stoically westwards as it docked and spewed a cluster of customs officers onto the deck. 'Help is on the way, Captain Shitharg', saluted a young officer. 'Mersey River Police have been alerted!'

Shitharg wearily tossed the smoking gun at the man's feet and wiped the bloody hook on his sou'wester. He sighed, a mournful sound that rose from the bowels of his entrails in the south and exited through his knotted eyebrows to the north. He bent and scooped a handful of hair from the deck, clutching it feverishly in the crimson slime of his grip. 'Help?' he muttered into the rising wind. 'Help?! When have I, Captain Shitharg, ever needed help?!' And with that, he dived over the rail and into the sea from whence he came.

EPILOGUE: Pete Price swivelled and groaned as the boy in the pink leather jacket roughly fondled his membership card. 'You won't get in 'ere with that', snapped the fag, tearing the card in two. 'Private party only'.

The elderly DJ thought fast. 'But I'm a mate of the Captain's', he begged. 'Yer gorra gorra let me in! Honest, I'm a mate!!'

It was too late. Through the mob of guests waiting to get in, a stormy-countenanced Shitharg, accompanied by Sheryl from Girls Akimbo, lumbered ominously to a halt inches from the clueless Price.

'He's behind you!' growled, Shitharg, seasonally.

New Neptune Proposal Stuns Critics.

by our architectural correspondent Wade Bridge

FRESH new images have been released revealing how New Brighton's new luxury drug rehabilitation centre will look once it's completed later this year.

The Lisa Tarbuck Centre for Seriously Ill People Who Inject Themselves is part of the first phase of the regeneration of New Brighton and local firm Neptune Developments have already started work on the £970m development.

As well as the construction of the centre, phase one will also see a block of AIDS treatment clinics and refugee accommodations being built alongside.

Detailed plans for this part of the scheme are to be submitted to local moaners' associations and groups next week.

Rob Taxpayer, development director at Neptune Developments, said: "Neptune Developments is delivering the regeneration of New Brighton in two phases.
"The first relates to the construction of the rehab clinic and the development of a residential and illegal immigrant facility on the adjoining site.

"The second phase will see a huge party we're throwing for fellow councillors and Masons on the island of Mustique, courtesy of Wirral tax-payers, who we have consulted throughout this proposal without interference'.

Rob, whose company recently returned from a nine-week fact-finding tour of Bolivia, intend to eventually turn Wirral into a unique futurist village with the new Derby baths reconstruction planned to reach heights dwarfing the Shanghai Towers. However, due to a series of mishaps, including most of its partners and fellow Masons going into administration earlier this year, Neptune have decided to look elsewhere for their next project.

'Dubai looks good,' says Rob. 'Despite the lack of drugs, alcohol and public nudity, I'm sure Neptune can match international architects with our new range of pre-formed sheds of which the new Floral Pavilion is a shining example.' Rob went onto explain how the constant carping of pensioners and the unemployed had scuppered his plans for world domination of the Wirral. 'They are a shiftless idle lot who like nothng more than to rot away in their disgusting little sea-side shit hole. That said, I've enjoyed many a free pint or expenses-paid holiday with local councilpersons over the years and I'm not one to look a gift horse or tax-payer in the mouth'.

Update: Police have warned that a spate of break-ins to the building site have resulted in delays in attending domestic violence calls. They urge Wirral men to curtail or postpone wife-beating activities until next year when a clean-up squad have finished at the site.

Inside Camp X-Box



Wirral Borough Council has released several official photographs of inmates in the prison camp at Hilbre Island, where they are holding 110 suspected members of the new breed of hybrid ‘superscals’ that are plaguing the region.



The pictures, which initial reports suggested were taken as the prisoners tried to eat the security fencing, sparked admiration amongst locals. Some human rights groups deemed the pictures were reminiscent of scenes of torture during the Cold War. Wirral Borough Council argues that the captives are being treated far more severely, stressing that they are extremely dangerous.

The prisoners are being detained in temporary open-sided wire cells until a permanent facility has been constructed. Sized 1.8m by 2.4m, these have been described as 'kennels' and 'cages' by Human Rights Groups but were dubbed ' 5 star accommodation’ by supporters.

Unfortunately the prisoners are not shackled when they are inside their cells and are allowed to roam around free range. But when they are moved around the camp, for delousing or beatings, they are restrained at a 'level appropriate for the person' - which may include hand and leg shackles.

Images of rabid hybrid ‘superscals’ have ignited international jubilation in the fight against international scallydum.

Regime

  • Breakfast followed by 'morning beating and time to think about what they've done’
  • Doctor visits to apply salt to wounds
  • Lunch followed by ‘afternoon beating’
  • Exercise period (includes some beating)
  • Mail call – crayons and plasticine are provided, letters may be written under exceptional circumstances, beatings are administered afterwards.
  • Evening meal followed by ‘goodnight beating’

REFLECTIONS - YOUR GATEWAY TO GLAMOUR



Yes! Now Wirraliens can get a real taste of the French Riviera at the launch of Reflections niteclub, bar and restaurant on the site of the old Grande Hotel, New Brighton.

Situated along the seafront, Reflections boasts breathtaking views of the Wirral coastline and L'pool's giant scrapyard.

At Reflections, we cater for a wide-range of customer. From under-age drinkers and pillheads to the mob who pile out of New Brighton's other late night stay-behinds, all are welcome. So come along to one of our Drink-your-own-weight nites or why not piss your giro away in our members only bar.

Reflections also boast a specialised cuisine for our celebrity clientele. Try our two-for-the-price-of-one Watercress Pot Noodle or 2am girls favourite, Bitter Pork in Cider. And afterwards, experience our sumptuous unisex toilets, awarded Best Bogs 2008 by Buz magazine.

Showbusiness World Aghast at Sweeney Retirement Threat


Claire Sweeney has revealed plans to bow out of acting to concentrate on raising her family.

The 44-year-old star no children and is single but intends to devote more time to her 23 nephews and nieces now that her panto, Tit in Boots, is winding up rehearsals before opening at the Floral pavilion next month.

She was interviewed by the Wirral Groan while promoting her new fragrance, Mersey, by Lethargique.

Asked in the interview whether she thought the possibility of her looks fading could affect a lengthy career, Sweeney said: "I don't think about it much because I don't plan to keep acting very long."

Laughing, she continued: "I'm ready to do a few things now and fade away and get ready to be a grandma one day. So I'm not so worried that I want to keep this pace up and try to be something and be a celebrity and be a successful actress forever.

"I think it's boss, I've had a time to tell stories and be able to be successful enough to tell the ones I want to tell, and (to) earn some dollar at the same time is great. But everything comes in seasons and, you know, I hopefully won't be needing to do that later in my life in any way."

But Claire would not rule out returning to work for interesting projects. She even blacked up for an audition for the part of Ma Waters in the movie bio-pic of blues legend Muddy Waters, the Muddy Waters Story.

Asked if she had given herself a cut-off point when she no longer wanted to be an actress, Sweeney said: "I don't think I'll ever say I'm never ever going to work because maybe there's that interesting project where I feel creative - but certainly I think now I haven't worked for a year. There are plans to re-make Le Cage Aux Folles with Pete Price but enough funding hasn't been stolen from the tax-payers yet.

"I'll work for a few months in February when I'm appearing in Celebrity Makeover on Ice. I won't work again probably for another 12 years. So maybe I'll do another televised Rear of the Year on cable - I like being home a lot these days."

The actress, 35, is known for her interest in humanitarian issues, working as a Goodwill Ambassador for the local deranged.

NEW DOGGING CRAZE SET TO SWEEP WIRRAL



Wirral Police warned today that sex-crazed motorists, called ‘doggers', are to unleash a new and lethal version of the craze upon local beauty spots.

Officers, alerted to the phenomenon by a rash of complaints from a resident incensed by the perverts' antics, investigated and found several cars semi-submerged in the Dee estuary at high tide.

At first, the constables thought that the cars belonged to cockle-collectors sheltering from wintry coastal conditions but on further investigation several couples were found masturbating each other inside the vehicles. A number of arrests were made and a late model Seat Viagra was confiscated, along with a gross of ‘Motor Mutt' condoms and a copy of the ‘Wirral Woof'.

Chief Inspector Wade Nobbing revealed the results of his enquiry, claiming that ‘aqua-dogging', having sex in a submerged automobiles, is set to become the next trend in al fresco how's-your-father. ‘Doggers are a menace,' he opined from behind a hastily assembled trestle table at a press conference today. ‘The dangers of water-borne venereal disease is uppermost in the minds of local residents to say nothing of the environmental damage done to fish stocks.'

Groan staff were today recovering after a 400-metre doggy-paddle up the estuary after their van sprung a leak.

Council unveils DogBog designs


Computer generated vision of winning design

Wirral Council today unveiled the winning design for their ‘DogBog’ challenge 2008.


School children across the Wirral were invited to submit designs for a portable canine toilet. The winning design was created by 9 year old Wayne Asboid, a student at Grove Road school.


Wayne's award winning sketch

Wayne’s design was then transformed into a computer generated model by Neptune Developments, Wirral councils preferred developer for all things New Brighton.

“We’ve consulted the people of New Brighton many times on what they want to see with the new developments. Over riding all other requests was a public facility which would accommodate the extrodinary amounts of brown cod we find washed up on the beach” said Ian Drainport, head of concept design at Neptune.

Lucky Wayne wins a years pass to the New Brighton Laser Quest and his weight in two pence pieces to be used at Wilkies Penny Slot arcade.

Community rallies round Keith



Rock Ferry residents have rallied round in support of Keith Graham, the Wirral youth whose appeal in last week’s paper brought home the plight of others facing a lifetime of misery.

Keith, who has been diagnosed with terminal Pisstaker’s Syndrome, was due to undertake a miracle cure but the overall cost of flying him to America, the only place in the world that treats PS, proved to be prohibitive. PS, which renders sufferers incapable of the slightest movement, has had little press, leading some medical experts to doubt its validity.

Betty Graham, Mark’s mum, spoke yesterday in an impassioned plea to the medical fraternity. ‘Our Mark is practically a vegetable,’ wept Betty at the door of their modern semi overlooking Laird’s yesterday. ‘Most days, he is only capable of moving his thumbs so it’s a 24-7 job looking after him.’ Mark’s illness also means that he has to have a special diet. ‘He can’t eat solids so we have to make a mush of pizza and cider. It’s the only thing he can get down.’ Betty also blamed Arrowe Park Hospital for their negligence in diagnosing the illness.

‘He just wasn’t getting the right treatment. They confiscated his Playstation and his crack pipe was allowed to go out.’ A specialist in the States was found and agreed to operate on Mark. Originally, Wirral Special Needs Initiative was to foot the bill but when 300 people realised that they too had PS the WSNI withdrew the funding. However, due to the fund-raising efforts of the Rock Ferry Residents Association, Mark may be flying to Florida after all. ‘Only in America do they have the facilities to treat Mark properly,’ said the Graham’s GP. ‘There they have the latest Lazy-Boy recliners, games consoles and burgers. I’ve a feeling this disease could reach epidemic proportions in the coming months.’

Kung-Fu Gran in Argos Fury



An elderly Seacombe woman has been awarded £200 in damages after cruel treatment by shop staff left her practically uncomfortable yesterday.

Miriam Crackhough, 77, of St. Paul's Rd, was awarded the damages at Wirral Magistrate's Court after judges found that Argos staff had deliberately ejected her from their shop in Birkenhead causing her distress and unecessary discontentment.

Mrs. Crackhough had gone into the store in January last year to return a faulty modem cable she'd bought for her husband for Xmas. She had only been in the store for a few minutes when Rhys Zpekt, 16, a security officer from Sparebear Inc., had approached her and warned her to either leave her nunchakus outside or leave. During the pitched battle that followed, several staff and three by-standers were injured, one having his arm severed completely and another whose wounds were so horrific gender can not be determined.

Mrs. Crackhough herself has been unable to speak since the incident except to appeal to the jury for compensation during her trial. 'It was awful', she recalled from the terrace of her terraced accommodation in Seacombe today. 'I'd only gone into the shop to return a cable and I was set upon by this huge hulk who wrestled me outside the shop, exposing a breast and breaking a set of antique rice flails I had with me'.

The rice flails in question played a major role in Argos' case for the defence but the judges found in Mrs. Crackhough's favour when she revealed to them that they were for medicinal use only. 'I've got terminal arthritis and I use nunchucks to crunch up me tablets'. Argos apologised, paying Mrs. Crackhough £200 and providing internet access for over 60 pensioner friends of the plaintiff.

The police apologised for any incompetence experienced during the investigation and promised their forensics guy would be back in time for the Xmas period.

Pete Pric to sue internet



Wirral talk show DJ and friend to the C list stars is taking legal action against a blogger who has ‘hijacked’ his jokes.

The secret diary of Pete Pric caused the veteran talk show host to cancel his latest book tour because of terror threats from angry celebs.

“How can this low life scum get away with this? It’s taken me years to build my professional reputation up to what it is.

This saddo is insulting my friends and needs to get a life before I knock him out.” Pete said from his New Brighton riverside penthouse above the new Floral Pavilion. He added “I can’t even work a phone box let alone a blog. On my radio show all I do is fiddle with knobs, but I don’t know what the hell they do!”

The blog, which is causing outrage among Liverpool’s celebrity ligga’s, caused controversy when many members of Liverpool’s elite believed it to be true.

Pete Pric has enlisted the help of celebrity law firm Letts, Fleecem & Spendit who are no strangers to satirical web logs.

“Pete has notified us of this libelous site and we are taking action in the county courts to sue the internet. At this stage we can’t say anything more other than Peter is really upset and wants’ to be left alone.” Said Mr Lets.

Do you know who the secret blogger is? Contact the Wirral Groan michelle_suit@hotmail.com

Berlusconi in New Race Row.



Dapper, uncivilsed Italian dictator, Silvio Berlusconi, has once again created controversy with his inappropriate statements, this time whilst on a tour of Birkenhead's notorious Market district.

Feathers were ruffled as Berlusconi,33, part of an EU fact-finding group on Poverty and Disease in the North of England, spoke to reporters after the climax of the tour, a guided run around the North End. When asked what he thought about the area, Berlosconi spoke with an aide before replying that he'd been treated well and would remember the trip with fondness. 'I have been treated well by the people of Borkenhead, ' he said, fingering the lapel of his 100% silk Armani blazer and running his manicured fingers (300 euros) through his hair (500 euros). 'But I have found that there are many here who are lazy, shiftless criminals types with little thought for the community or the regional respect that is destroyed by their behaviour. They are welcome to come to Italy anytime'.

Senor Berlusconi then went onto praise the local fish market before receiving a special unemployment edition of the Wirral Groan from editor-in-chief, Michelle Suit. 'We're very proud of Silvio', said our leader. 'He's originally from Prenton but keeps it quiet'.

Update: Police said they were unable to locate the limousine used by Berlosconi's entourage but were confident they would eventually do something about it soon.

Employment Corridor Beseiged by Credit Crunchies.



Residents on Wirral's Employment Corridor (pictured) are up in arms at recent news of a world-wide credit crunch. While global economies tumble, millions of recently-unemployed immigrants from as far away as Haiti are flocking to the area in search of employment.

'We look like complete twats', says Egremont MP, Hermione Kite. 'The last administration have saddled us with this ridiculous moniker which gives the impression there is work here. In the last three decades, we've had several new shacks put up along King St. but that won't do much to house the millions expected to arrive in Egremont in the next three weeks'.

The first leaking boat arrived in Seacombe Ferry on Thursday morning, laden with dispossessed from as far away as the Galapagos Islands. 'If this goes on, additional strain will be put on local services' said elderly resident, Britney Larr, yesterday. 'At present, I share my job as a kebab tester with three other homeless men. What is to become of me?'

Large sandbanks are being constructed along the peninsula to repel the refugees and dogging has been suspended until work is completed in 2206.

Residents horror at seaside hotdog



Local residents are furious over a new line of snacks being served at a New Brighton CafĂ©. The ‘bitch butties’ are being served to day trippers and have become very popular with visitors from North Wales.

Wirral’s Ukulele festival is now on



Wirral's 47th international Ukulele festival of Great Britain is underway.

Staged this year at Stairways in Birkenhead, it was opened by former fairground announcer Eddi Tokens, with performances from Twangy Twang, The Window Cleaners and local hit sensation Arthur Stout and the pork scratchings.

Also appearing this year are The Les Bos, Charlie Lineswhite and local DJ and ukulele enthusiast Pete Pric, to name a few.

The festival starts tonight at 8pm and continues all week. Tickets are available from the Sue Ryder shop, Liscard.