30 Nov 2008
by our culture correspondent, Jess Tickulate
Art fans and humanitarian agencies remain resolutely stunned today as news broke this weekend of the true identity of the artist behind the notorious 'Doddy' portrait.
Our secret sources within Wirral's close-knit art community leaked the shocking facts on Saturday, just weeks after the portrait was exhibited at the Floral Pavilion, rumoured to be the painting's permanent home.
Ex-tungsten carbide drill-bit engineer, Fosworth Fingerfuvk, 19, told the Groan last Friday to expect a huge uproar some time this week. 'There's been rumours for weeks,' he told me over a tuna. 'The Wirral art community and humanity as a whole has been duped. The painting was done by a foreigner.' Indeed, as news broke on Tuesday, it seems our secret source was correct.
Rueters published shocking pictures of a child in nearby Indonesia who was painting reproductions of the ancient comedian at the alarming rate of 400 an hour. Along with 200 of his fellow artists, Sum Yung Kid, 8, is part of a huge child-labour ring specialising in Liverpudlian acts from yesteryear. 'He's very prolific', said his father and employer, Fe Fy Fophum, 18, from the parapet of his luxury home in Neston yesterday. 'He's knocked out over 2000 Stan Boardmans and a quarter of a million Doddies. Hopefully, we are adding a Tom O'Connor triptych next year!'
But Save The Children have other ideas. They see the young artist as part of a huge trade in gifted Third World toddlers, a trade that must be stopped before its too late. Todd Loftlurker, 22, a trained child abuse consultant for the group, fears for the safety of youngsters like Sum. 'They are being exploited,', he fumed from behind a steaming frapaccino at Elderlies in Liscard yesterday. 'And irresponsible entities like Wirral Council are culpable in child deaths caused by Repetitive Stress Injury and other made-up Western 'diseases'', He emphasised his final word by holding up both the index and middle fingers of both hands and bending them, twice.
The Floral Pavilion refused to comment, except to say that they do not condone child labour and would remove any illustrative reproductions created under inappropriate conditions. Job losses are expected to be announced shortly.