Wirral Cops Get Lethal Tasers

by our ordnance reporter Lance Boil

The government has vowed to have all Wirral police armed with tasers by 2010, it was revealed yesterday.

Wirral Met met with ministers last week to discuss the training schedule for the new weapons. Their use in the USA has been a resounding success with only 300 deaths since they were first used in the US and Canada.

The move was welcomed by the Association of Chief Police Officers (Acpo), which said trials showed that, in the majority of cases, tasers helped police resolve incidents without resorting to diplomacy. 'Most of the time, tasers work well in bringing street justice to troublesome individuals,' spoke CPO spokesman, Rhys Tater, from the tinted window of his £4000-a-year luxury Jaguar convertible last Sunday. 'The rest of the time a small minority, mostly asthmatics, people with heart problems or innocent passers-by, tend to get cut in half by the weapon. We're issuing the slightly smaller version which should reduce the death rate to a more PR-friendly 20%'.

Opponents of the weapon voiced their concerns that friendly fire was to be expected, especially when the lasers are in the hands of Wirral's notoriously ill-trained, under-paid, fun-loving, teenaged police officers. 'There are fears in the community that the police won't just use their tasers on scallies and no-marks', said veteran moaner, Rory Lions. 'Pensioners are especially worried that being tased might interfere with their pacemakers and, more problematically, their benefits'.

When asked, Wirral Met's spokesman revealed that he was planning to 'set mine to stun'.
Tasers supplied by Jedi Solutions, Runcorn.