Republican candidate and presidential hopeful, Mitt Romney, is to set to jet into Birkenhead next week as part of a whistle-stop tour around some of the UK's most disenfranchised communities.

Local leaders are ecstatic that the GOP nominee will be including the town in his itinerary and have plundered council coffers for Romney's 24-hour protection whilst in the community.

Extra security staff will be specially trained in the week leading up to his arrival while dangerous dogs are to be rounded up in a bid to cleanse the region of its less attractive elements.

Grange Rd. yesterday.

Council spokesperson, Brett Exoskeleton, explains. 'While we are pulling out all the stops to make Senator Kerry's stay as comfortable as possible, it's important to remember why the man is here', intoned Exoskeleton from beneath the enveloping warmth of a vintage patchwork eiderdown yesterday. 'He expects to be able to view our scum in order to make his report. How much of that scum we decide to expose Senator McCain to is to be debated over a beer in the Clarence, later'.

However, there are many in the community that feel that the town's inclusion in the tour further diminishes Birkenhead's reputation, already in tatters after being named UK Murder Capital of the Year in a recent Ross Kemp TV special.

Vlad Brokes, vice-chairman of Merseyside-based charity, LOSA (Leave Our Scum Alone), is unconvinced that the tour will do much to provide improvements for local unemployed and that Romney's presence will only reinforce negative stereotyping of chavs.
Brokes, 55, a former Atari parts specialist from Little Nedton, spoke of his concerns from his secret headquarters deep within his mother's house in Rorschach Drive, Little Nedton. 'Romney's concern for our smack-addicted teen mothers is admirable' he said. 'However, the tour's effect on the local community will mean, in the long run, nowt. The area cannot shed its 'Beirut by the Mersey' image simply by removing a few corpses from Birkenhead Park.'

Police are appealing to the local youth to quell anti-social behaviour during the tour and have provided several wheelie bins where they can hand themselves in anonymously. These were later withdrawn after several members of the community complained of 'severed limb'.

By Wayne Bridges - Sportswear corespondent

Gladys Hurdle gets her spark back

Wirral is set to go ablaze today with the arrival of the Olympic torch, en-route its Olympic treck around the UK. The torch bearing bus rolled into Birkenhead North last night and was met with minimal reaction and little enthusiasm.

Wirral's sporting legends are braced to carry the torch around the borough in what is being billed as 'the sporting event of the 21st century'. Gladys Hurdle, 98 of Achilles Close, New Brighton is set to start the torch rely today. 


Gladys won bronze competing in the 100 meter air raid shelter dash at the 1936 Olympics in what was then, Nazi Germany. "I'm thrilled to be asked to take part in this relay" said Gladys, as she was being man handled by her NHS home care support nurse. "Goebbels always liked the way I held his torch, I'm really pleased the world kept this occultist Nazi invention of the Olympic flame".

Gladys will hand the torch to 8 times Mobility Scooter Triathlon champion Lilly 'go fast' Jones. Lilly will endure a challenging 300 meter dash along the prom where she will hand over to gold medalist Brian Damage. Brian won gold in the Sayers Pasty challenge back in 2001, run by our rival paper the Wirral Globe. “Training has been tough with all this talk of VAT on pasties, but thanks to Iceland and the Jubilee, I've got more pies in my freezer than Frey Bentos” spluttered Mr Damage, as he bit into an alarmingly hot steak and kidney slice.

From there the Olympic torch makes it way to Liscard where it will be taken into Crack Convertors, where the proceeds of it will be given to the local charity, the Kings Arms.

(sponsored by Scalcost Lager, Bebington)

by our environment correspondent, Val Kano.

Tensions amongst river-front communities on Merseyside were high today as news reports revealed that controversial emergency services tests are to be implemented this week-end.

The tests, which are a part of the North West region's commitment to meet the needs of residents during an apocalypse, will include a simulated full-size tsunami which residents, many of them elderly, fear will damage their livelihoods for up to several years.

Romanian salvage engineers, currently working on dis-mantling the Newbodome, also insist that their work/life cycles may be severely imbalanced during the marine disruptions.

The wave, set to break records for water displacement, will be created by igniting a huge explosive device underneath Bootle, sending hundreds of thousands of tons of debris into the Mersey and making way for a new shopping mall due to start construction immediately.

'Emergency services are confident this exercise will raise awareness of large bodies of water moving at incredible speeds towards local residents', proclaimed Merseyside Fire and Rescue Service’s spokesperson, Eammon Igga, yesterday. 'We've been out in a boat all day yesterday and we're all systems go, quite frankly'.

Shifting imperceptibly along the outer edge of a nuanced, 19th-century ottoman, Mr. Igga went on to dispel accusations made yesterday in Burst's restaurant, Liscard, that the tests were just an excuse to demolish vast sections of the Newbodome, now deemed unsafe. 'Our crack team of scientists, engineers and diggers ensure us that disruptions to trade and public order will be minimal. However, we do warn that wave simulations may extend the shore line into neighbouring counties and that residents should stay indoors during this time'.

Local conspiracy theorist and ex-humanitarian aid volunteer, Abdul A-Teem, 17, disagrees. 'The local council, aided by the notorious Toxteth Illuminati, plan to create a massive new water park', said Mr. A-Teem from the sumptuous interior of a late '80s Marina. 'They aim to flood the Wirral with the tsunami, thus bringing the Dee Estuary and the Mersey together in one body of water. Anyone caught in the middle is just collateral damage.'

Mr. A-Teem's friend and fellow conspiracy theorist, Kanye Putt-Butterinson, 44, agreed. 'What he said', he said.

In preparation for the staged catastrophe this weekend, both ships have been evacuated from their moorings on the river while several Beatle souvenir shops near the Pier Head have been surrounded by sand bags.

Donkey rides along New Brighton beach are postponed until after the deluge and parents are being warned to keep a tight hold of their children while picnicking in Vale Park or Harrison Drive this weekend. Returning day trippers wanting to take advantage of the free life-jackets will find it situated at either New or Seacombe Ferries.

NEWS FLASH: Health and safety officials have given the go-ahead to the council-sponsored OAPs vs. JSAs marathon scheduled to take place on New Brighton Dips that day.

Form our 201o World Cup correspondent, Ronaldo Snorts.

Wirral Council has forked out £100,000 to build a new mud wall around Liscard playing fields in preparation for the 2010 world cup, which kicks off next week.

The new wall, designed to keep children inside the park during the tournament is being hailed as the biggest construction project in Wirral since the start of the £80M NewboDome project.

Local children will be displaying their talents and ASBO's at an all star football match this weekend. Celebrities will join in the fun as a multitude of ex-Brookside stars flock to the match in support of the 'Agros Skilz 4 Skals' campaign.

"I've been in training for this event for months" said Les Boss, 58 of New Brighton. "It's been ages since I played a full 20 minutes so I hope my knee holds out. If it doesn't then my benefits will go back up a level or two".

Les, former Rovers goal keeper and full time chemtrail expert was keen to stress the importance of a THC rich training programme. "We've been feeding these kids Brek for weeks. The performance levels have gone through the roof" said Les, reclining in his hammock to the sound of dub reggae.

Not all residents are as thrilled as Les. A campaign group has been set up to ensure rowdy football tots do not bring large scale hooliganism to the Borough during the World Cup festivities. Football United in Controlling Kids (FUiCK) was set up by local activist Rusty Gash and hopes to lobby local councillors to ensure policed patrols are stepped up during the tournament.

"What our concerns are is that children may end up enjoying them selves and get involved in a healthy activity" said Rusty from her bunker in Vale Park. "The last thing we need in this area is well behaved and healthy children. It would be a disaster" she added.

Tickets go on sale for the event today and are available at all Bargain Boozes. If you buy 6 stella's you get two tickets free.

Victoria Road a few hours after the spill

Victoria road was brought to a stand still this afternoon when a lorry collided with a mobility scooter and overturned spilling it's contents.

The lorry was carrying 16 million litres of liquid methadone which was en route to Leasowe. Emergency services were quick to respond but local residents had already taken things into their own mouths.

"We were in the Railway enjoying happy hour when we heard this almighty crash" Omar Shareef, 14, informed the Groan, whilst enjoying a quadrupole baileys with ice cream. "Our kidda came in looking all monged and the next thing we know, the streets were full of kryptonite" he added very slowly and incoherently.

Wallasey fire brigade was first to attend the scene which shocked local residents, many of them elderly.

"The incident occurred at 14:56 and we arrived at the scene at 16:09." Said fireman Samuel from inside his helmet. "The area was covered with residents slurping at the tarmac with those bendy straws, and or lying unconscious outside the shop formerly known as the quickie" he added whilst playing with his massive hose.

Vladimir Bulivski, 87, a local entrepreneur, was an eye witness to the event. Standing outside his charity shop he said he was "amazed" at how quickly local mefs came to the aid of the emergency services and was "amazed" that no one got hurt in the following stampede. "I was amazed", he added.

Victoria road was re-opened to traffic again at 18:45 much to the relief of Stella Artos, who manages the local bargain booze. "Our delivery was held up for over two hours. We'd run totally dry on Superkings, Lambrini Light and Mini Cheddars."

A spokesperson for Green Fairy Inc, the company responsible got the distribution of methadone across the Wirral was unavailable for comment but a statement on their website said "404 file not found".

Merseyside police's crack road traffic incident unit, MPCRTIU, were quick to blame others.

Do you know anyone on methadone? Got a picture of them being sick? Email us now and win a months free giro.

by our celebrity correspondent Neil Spredham

Rock star and campaigner Sir Bob Geldof was at the centre of a tornado of controversy when he unleashed some startling news at a local event on Wirral this weekend.

For Sir Bob, 73, let it be known that plans are under way to re-record his most famous song, 'I Don't Like Mondays'.

The singer and father of two revealed that, due to pressures from family and fans, he and his band, The Boomtown Rats, have been in talks to re-boot the 1979 No. 1 sometime next Sunday afternoon.

Its release the following day is timed to coincide with Monday itself in the hope that it will raise awareness of the global effects of post-weekend depression (which many Wirraliens suffer from and have claimed benefits for).

The political activist and TV producer, in Birkenhead to publicise the event as part of a whistle-stop, world-wide press tour, explained his decision to go back into the studio again.

'As a single parent and Nobel Peace Prize nominee, I feel strongly about how our society has turned our backs on our fellow human beings', he said over an overlooked breakfast in Burst's cafe this afternoon.

'Every Monday, all over the world, people are returning to work with little or nothing to look forward to except the following weekend. Some feel the desperation and hopelessness they experience are too much to bear and simply refuse to address their problems, resulting in a massive loss in work-hours to the nation.'

Sir Robert, 68, hopes to re-define current industrial rights legislation by repealing a law that forbids the playing of the record during work hours. The law, enacted in 1982, states that public performances that incite discontent in the workplace be limited only to businesses that operate after 6pm.

In 1984, Sham 69 singer, Jimmy Pursey, was fined £250 when irate Czech roofers refused to complete work on the new Feargal Sharkey airport in Dublin after playing the band's 'Hersham Boys' continually during their 56-hour roof-top protest. In the aftermath of the trial, several members of top bands committed suicide and, as a result, the entire UK music industry collapsed.

Musicians such as Geldof and fellow human rights campaigner Iggy Pop, claim untold financial hardship due to the ban. Sir Bob aims to highlight what they see as loss of earnings by releasing the new single and a possible follow-up the next day.

'If the song takes off, we have plans to record a sequel,' claimed the Live Aid creator and Irish author/actor. 'During our research into global clinical depression, we discovered that hundreds of thousands of people are similarly disaffected after Bank Holiday. So our new song, 'F**k Tuesdays', will be spearheading the campaign to raise awareness of their terrible plight.'

The Wirral Groan asked the knight if his celebrity showbiz chums would be recording the song with him but he replied that that was Band Aid.

by our celebrity correspondent Neil Spredham

The Wirral showbiz world was brought to its knees this week as celebrity DJ and campaigner Pete Pric revealed that he is gay.

Pric, known for his charitable work throughout the region, leaked the news to stunned reporters on Monday at a gala premiere of his latest panto, Canal Street Memories, at New Brighton's historic Floral Pavilion.

Onlookers, some of them pensioners, gasped in incredulity as Pric, 86, dropped the bombshell shortly before taking to the stage. One, a Mrs. Olive-Ann Breathe, of Menstrual Avenue, Egremont, could hardly contain her disappointment at the news. 'Pete has long been a shining beacon of masculinity in a tawdry world of flagrant homosexuality', she cried into a sodden Kleenex. 'Now, I may have to boycott the Floral and his new pantomime altogether'.

Diego Vigilante, 109, is another whose preconceptions have been shattered. 'I've been a fan of Pete's since his rendition of Elton John's ''Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me'' went into the charts in 1982,' he grimaced involuntarily. 'I can hardly believe he bats for the other team'.

Pric, whose tenure as outspoken DJ for local radio station KYMC came to an end recently, has long been an rigorous campaigner and is known for his charity work for local rollerblading groups, nocturnal hiking associations and 'Save the Bear' wildlife societies.

However, in the wake of his recent revelations, many of these groups have turned their backs on the celebrity in order to distance themselves from any fall-out. Even stalwart showbiz pals such as Claire Sweeney and Ken Dodd have refused to support the embattled former DJ, claiming that their fan-base includes many impressionable teenagers who may forswear heterosexual relationships in light of Pric's declaration.

'Me ma is dead against any sort of bum-botherage,' insisted Sweeney from her palatial home in Neswall's fashionable footballer ghetto today. 'I feel sorry for Pete but if he thinks the good people of the Wirral will tolerate his gay lifestyle, he's in for a huge come-uppance'.

Reports are emerging today that sponsors for the panto are withdrawing their support, with brands such as Man-tuna Tea and refrigeration giants, Kevineater, removing their names from the Floral Pavilion web site.

The embattled star was seen today secretly entering his interior designer partner's abode via the rear entrance, looking very down-in-the-mouth.

by our science fiction correspondent Ken Trail

Several dozen Wirral residents have voiced concerns about strange smoke trails seen over the peninsula this week, prompting activists in the area to call for an inquiry into what they see as a conspiracy to reduce unemployment in the area.

Monday 15 March:

Wirral Groan staff were besieged with a few reports of strange 'chem trails' criss-crossing the skies over Liverpool and New Brighton yesterday caused by dozens of unidentified planes flying in regular patterns throughout the day.

Angry residents, worried that the chemicals may carry health-threatening properties, today were up in arms over the mysterious flights and blame sinister global societies intent on culling the region's jobless.

Chem trails were also spotted in places as far away as Canada and China, giving rise to fears that the flights are part of a fiendish plan to reduce the world's currently rampant unemployment figures. Campaigners plan to link the 'chem trails' with dwindling benefit claims and recent closures of local 'Job' Centres.

Vikram Tollemache, of watchdog group RESPECT (Report Extra Suspicious Planes Emitting Chem Trails), told our science fiction correspondent that the aircraft have been flying mystery missions over the area since the early 70s.

'Our fears that unknown aircraft spotted spewing unheralded vapours over the Wirral have gone unheeded until now', he confessed over a tepid vindaloo at Magic Spaz this afternoon. 'However, our colleagues at Vancouver's renowned Skywatch facility in Canada have reported seeing an increase in this type of air traffic, leading us to conclude that some sort of illegal contamination of the world's sperm supply is underway, obviously originating from a secret base somewhere in the Aigburth area of Merseyside'.

Aigburth has been prominent in reports of secret society activity in recent years after its controversial hosting of the Bilderberg Group's annual lunch and disco, normally held on Wednesdays.

However, due to picketing by anarchist groups intent on disrupting the event, global security forces, concerned over the safety of world leaders attending the event, have now moved it to Thursdays.

The Wirral Globe contacted several air bases in the area but their spokesman said that their flight paths were 'erratic' and 'up in the air'.

chem trail clip by Andy

by our crime correspondent Vince-Sendiary de Vice

Tens of disgruntled alcoholics were today mourning the loss of their favourite drinking hole as Wirral firemen struggled to extinguish its smouldering remains.

Emergency services were called out to New Brighton's fashionable Victoria Rd. district early this morning to find its most popular drinking establishment consumed by fire.

Reports that the fire was set by a local thug were confirmed by onlookers drinking in the pub at the time.

The pub, Peggy O'Fuckery's, owned by one-time Blackwater op and Mersey fisheries specialist, Filmore Loons, of Lower Expectation Rd., Seacombe, claims that the fire was caused by a local man who had been refused alcohol on a number of previous occasions.

The man, a former welder on the soon-to-be-demolished NewboDome, had become marginally disenfranchised when his demands for a final pint had been denied. Minutes later, the conflagration occurred, spreading throughout the bar and to the relaxation area outside.

'Customers are well aware that we do not allow smoking on the premises', said Loons, 45, from the safety of his blog today. 'So, it was quite a surprise to see large flaming sections of the building's historic roof fall in on the regulars still imbibing at the time'.

The police, who rushed to the scene of the crime five hours later, were said to be looking for a man in his early thirties sporting a distinctive red and yellow hair-cut, last seen running screaming down Victoria Rd and into the Mersey.

Local cockle pickers were sent to the river to search for the body.

Peggy's, whose reputation in the neighborhood has stabilised since the police were called in to quell anti-chem trail riots earlier this year, won the Pub of the Year award in 1922 for its elegantly-distressed interior.

However, may local residents have expressed delight at the pub's demise, citing debris left by carousing revellers intent on after-hours mayhem. Others, however, are dismayed to see the landmark hostelry destroyed and mourn the passing of the legendary boozer.

'Without Peggy's, there will be very little for pensioners and teenagers in the area to do', complained Margaret 'Flaps' McGuigan, a 55 year-old ex-delicatessen manageress from nearby Waterloo Rd.
'To date, one in five of New Brighton residents have been conceived on the premises. It's loss will be a tragic blow to many in the community'.

However, a scheme that enables funding from a 'twinned' town has been considered. Unfortunately, New Brighton is twinned with Nosbeki, a town 200 miles from Uganda, that was tragically burned to the ground by rebel forces at the weekend.

By our Nightlife correspondent Binge Downs



New Brighton is already heating up this spring down at the double glazed delights of Delaya's Lounge as they reveal their new resident DJ to star alongside the Cockmiester.

DJ Berryl of New Brighton Community Centre luncheon club has signed a six month residency at the all star night spot. Not your average clubber, Berryl, 82 of Hope Street New Brighton, is a relative new comer to the wheels of steel.

"My grandson needed some money fast and Crack Convertors wasn't taking any more decks since the closure of Marbars" said Berryl over a plate of watery instant mash potatoes. "So I decided to help my grandson out and buy them off him. He set them up for me at our luncheon club and within hours everyone had stood up and was wiggling their sticks in the air like they just didn't care".

Celebrity Grans have become all the rage in the Paris club scene recently and here at the Groan we can't help but feel New Brighton is a bit of its own left bank too.

"We're ecstatic to get some fresh DJ blood into this place" said Cocky Snr outside the Lounge as 5 track suited minors were escorted out of the premisses and up into JR's. "Our Jnr cock has been on these decks for pure time. He needs a break and maybe some serious competition will improve his mixing."

DJ Berryl is set to debut on Friday 19th March and reservations are recommended as a big turn out from the local homes is expected.

By our literary correspondent Simon le Dole

Wirral-born author and 80's day-time TV celebrity, Maxwell Ferret, returns home this weekend to publicise the launch of his new book.

Promising 'another fistful of stories featuring cowboys, hooligans, pig farmers, Romans, sailors and squaddies', the collection, entitled 'I, BRUTE!' will be available from his web site some time in the near future, probably.

Slumped behind a desolate desk in Conway Street's Books 4 Less, Ferret, 62, now a alcohol-dependency consultant in London's glamorous Elephant & Castle re-development ghetto, claims that, if not for the treachery of everyone concerned, he would have made it by now.

He sees 'I, BRUTE!' as his last chance to capitalise on the success of 'his' earlier book and spread awareness of the brand (defunct since 1987).

'Back then, we, I mean, I, ruled the world', exclaimed Ferret, his vintage neporene cycling shirt betraying evidence of elderly beer stainage. 'We had several TV shows and books to my credit'.

But it was his betrayal by those closest to him that led to his downfall. 'You have to look at it rationally,' he says. 'The lying, the cheating and the theft left me with virtually no-one to turn to but I was up to my ears in debt, guns and drugs at the time, so I'm forgiven'.

Ferret waxed nostalgic over the extremes of the 80s: the ad revenues, the free liquid lunches and the knife assaults on elderly TV producers. Did he regret them?

'It was the Yuppy Era!' he exclaimed. 'It was normal in those days for thrusting entrepreneurs like me to take credit for work created by others so it's hardly my fault those I worked for felt disenfranchised by my behaviour. But let's not forget - it was all their fault!'.

Veteran of such TV triumphs as BRUTE!'s Adventures of Sizzler (since re-mastered into a wheelie bin), Ferret now sees his future through severely rose-tinted spectacles.

'While others capitalised on my success and forged themselves viable careers in the media, I sat off and obliterated the cold reality of what my life had become with copious amounts of drugs whilst endlessly re-compiling my past glories into this new book. It's been almost 25 years but now I've completed the work!'

Sensing his exasperation, I nervously asked him why he had taken so long to write his slim bookletette. 'I spent my every waking hour outside of prison taking care of my son (except public holidays and pub opening hours). That's why I called my publishing company Good Dad'.

Priced at a mere 10 quid (and containing an even merer 25 pages), Ferret hopes to hook younger readers bored with politically-correct super heroes and feminist wizardry.

'Harry Potter isn't fit to scrape the saloon piles from my wrinkled scrotal sac,' spat Ferret bitterly into his pint.

'He's unrepresentative of modern youth with their guns, drugs and STDs. 'I, Brute!' will put this modern generation into perspective, admittedly from a perspective of a lonely, drink-ravaged pensioner with no job.'

Ferret will be touring the UK, reading extracts from his book, in the coming months. A quick tour of his web-site discloses no details but then it's not possible to buy the book from there either.

'Those web-site guys have betrayed me!' he raged, dislodging a set of borrowed dentures. 'If it wasn't for them, I'd be raking it in now!'