Wirral's beleaguered pensioners, many of them women, have in recent months contacted our news desk to describe hellish living conditions during the current peninsula-wide restrictions.
By Michelle Suit, Editor-At-Large.
Even before lockdowns began, many aged female Wirraliens were feeling the pinch with local bed and floorboard taxes slashing precious pounds from already inadequate pensions resulting in many women being forced into the drugs or sex trade in order to survive.
One such oldster, 94 year-old Verinal Gutteridge of Knight Terrace, Badington, wrote: ''Since my Arthur died, I spent most of my days sitting by the one-bar electric fire staring at his empty bowl. The neighbours knocked but I just couldn't summon the will to answer the door. Eventually, the stench alerted the authorities and I was airlifted to our Becky's''. Vera was just one of a number of women in the area to complain to our helpline about the lack of food, electricity and other luxury items with several anxious about demands from local government to reduce the size of their TV sets to comply with current poverty guidelines. ''I did try to stay within the rules,'' yelled Vera, her mohair cardigan gaping slightly to reveal the sensuous folds of her apron beneath. ''But I couldn't afford a new hacksaw blade.''
Vadge Cutlet, 88, was another who felt her world collapse during Covid 19. When council tax demands forced her to sell her vintage Tupperware collection, she decided that enough was enough and took matters into her own hands... with spectacular results. By spending as little as two hours a day on the OnlyGrans network, she has made enough money online to refurbish her home and build another on the allotment behind it. Now, instead of 1950s Tupperware, her £150,000 kitchen bristles with designer white goods while traversed silently by a diamond-encrusted Roomba. ''I woke up to the sound of piss running down the back of me legs and realised I hadn't spoken to another living being since I was doorstepped by a ISIS recruiter last March'', Vadge lamented, nostalgically running her finger along the top of her vibrating Hotpoint. ''Now all I have to do is log on, get me top off and submit myself to 30 mins savage jiggery-pokery with the Black Python and tills are ringin', blud''.
Other pensioners have regaled us with their tragic tales of misery. This one from Singe Mabuti, 102, of Rock Ferry Bypass, had Groan staff in tears. ''I was just staggering back from the local food bank with seven cans of Doggo Loops™ when I felt a sharp pain in my left buttock from where a pitbull had clamped its jaws. As we hopped about, a group of feral shoppers assembled and jeered as the dog bit through me sack and inhaled me loops. After several years of painful surgery, I returned home to find my house ransacked and the word 'Nazi Nons' sprayed across the door. With help from other pensioners, I managed to find work chopping up mashed potato granules and putting them into small packets for me grandson to sell at nightclubs. Without the aid of Vadge and ANALCLAMP (Amalgamated National And Local Committee for Legal Aid for Merseyside Pensioners), I would have topped meself.''
Despite being named as the number one destination for first-time homeowners, Wallasey has faced a sharp decline over the last year with many old people falling through the cracks in the road outside New Brighton station. Now that Covid has further reduced Wirral's ageing population, ANALCLAMP and other organisations want the region's elderly to be designated a minority group enabling them to literally reap the benefits before their total removal in 2025.
The Wirral Groan reached out to ask Merseyside DWP if Cutlet and co. would face benefit cuts due to their illegal labour. A spokesman later informed us that they weren't receiving any.
Comments
Post a Comment