FEATURE: YOBS IN SPACE!


MP Frank Soil has made headlines again for his fearless and controversial plans for anti-social families.

And he should know. For Frank, 103, is none other than MP for Brekinhead, the notorious Merseyside ward where scum rule and the elderly are prey to attacks from rock-lobbing tots.

His plans, which were revealed last year to almost universal praise from Merseyside folk, were to re-house misbehaving families in bunkers under local motorways.

However, experts poured scorn on the proposal, claiming that the yobs would breed in captivity thereby unleashing a new genetic strain of hybrid super-scal on nearby communities.

However, the Groan can exclusively reveal that a team of scientists has been working on a proposal that could see Frank’s dreams come true – only in orbit.

Our scientific correspondent, Sheena Kidd, went to Crim Jet Systems Inc, Bromborough, to see how work is progressing on a space platform that is literally out of this world.

“We read Frank’s article in Ha! magazine,” explained Jet Clintwood, founder of ‘Crim Jet Systems’. “We believe any decent society should try and prevent dysfunctional families from being a menace. But when all other methods fail, punishments should be applied - in our case by re-housing them in orbit”.

Crim Jet Systems is a Wirral-based space agency working under license with Wirral Space Port.

The plan met with approval from local MPs. “Cut their benefits and stick them under the motorway - we first thought that was a great idea", enthused MP for Egremont, Lyndsey Doyle, speaking from the One Stop Shop at Wallasey Town Hall (now Sandraz Kutz). "Now, with the Crim Lift Proposal, if they continue to misbehave, we can not only cut their benefits but reduce their oxygen at the same time!”

Originally designed by Crimlift Industries of Bromborough, the Space platform concept was intended for the delivery of cargo into orbit without the use of costly rockets.

However, the idea was shelved for a decade until a consortium, headed by MP Frank Soil and a cabal of politicians and footballers, came on board to rescue the plan for their Homes for Hooligans Initiative, currently under debate in Parliament.

The consortium, Space Homes for Incessant Troublemakers (S.H.I.T.), plan to use the platform to transport anti-social families into orbit as fears that earth-bound facilities would lead to inter-breeding and hooligan solidarity.

However many local angry residents and elderly have conveyed dismay at yet more talk and no action.

“Wirral Council are a complete failure when it comes to tackling ASBO’s," spat Doug Coldplay, leader of local moaners' committee, No to Brekinhead's Anti-Social Space Station (NOBASSS). "Blasting errant youth into space won't solve the problem. It just creates fear amongst a people already divided by the evil forces that control the puppetmasters lurking deep within Merseyside's satanic elite". He punctuated his statement by tapping both index and middle finger of his right hand against the right side of his substantial nose.

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A forum on Crimlift’s website debated whether the proposal was legal, infringing as it does the inalienable civil rights of human beings.

One message, from an enraged ASBOY from the North End, promised retaliation if his family were forced to move from their steel-shuttered semi. “You can tell Frank Soil that if him and his mob want to ship us off to space we will enlist inter-planetary mercenaries from all over the galaxy to remove him and his cabal from Earth, thereby upsetting the delicate balance of power used by the Labour council to keep the masses enslaved on Merseyside.”

Another message was in favour of the scheme. “For years now, scum from Rock Ferry have been destroying the neighbourhood with their savage dogs, minging slags and unwanted syringes but now we can rid ourselves of them for ever or at least until their oxygen gives out.”

We rang Frank Soil at his office in the House of Commons yesterday to ask him for a comment but his secretary said his craft was on the far side of the moon and would not be in radio communication until after Coronation St.

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