The Wirral Groan

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2011-03-25T12:13:00.002Z

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Tsunami tests to go ahead

2010-09-07T14:28:00.004+01:00

by our environment correspondent, Val Kano.

Tensions amongst river-front communities on Merseyside were high today as news reports revealed that controversial emergency services tests are to be implemented this week-end.

The tests, which are a part of the North West region's commitment to meet the needs of residents during an apocalypse, will include a simulated full-size tsunami which residents, many of them elderly, fear will damage their livelihoods for up to several years.

Romanian salvage engineers, currently working on dis-mantling the Newbodome, also insist that their work/life cycles may be severely imbalanced during the marine disruptions.

The wave, set to break records for water displacement, will be created by igniting a huge explosive device underneath Bootle, sending hundreds of thousands of tons of debris into the Mersey and making way for a new shopping mall due to start construction immediately.

'Emergency services are confident this exercise will raise awareness of large bodies of water moving at incredible speeds towards local residents', proclaimed Merseyside Fire and Rescue Service’s spokesperson, Eammon Igga, yesterday. 'We've been out in a boat all day yesterday and we're all systems go, quite frankly'.

Shifting imperceptibly along the outer edge of a nuanced, 19th-century ottoman, Mr. Igga went on to dispel accusations made yesterday in Burst's restaurant, Liscard, that the tests were just an excuse to demolish vast sections of the Newbodome, now deemed unsafe. 'Our crack team of scientists, engineers and diggers ensure us that disruptions to trade and public order will be minimal. However, we do warn that wave simulations may extend the shore line into neighbouring counties and that residents should stay indoors during this time'.

Local conspiracy theorist and ex-humanitarian aid volunteer, Abdul A-Teem, 17, disagrees. 'The local council, aided by the notorious Toxteth Illuminati, plan to create a massive new water park', said Mr. A-Teem from the sumptuous interior of a late '80s Marina. 'They aim to flood the Wirral with the tsunami, thus bringing the Dee Estuary and the Mersey together in one body of water. Anyone caught in the middle is just collateral damage.'

Mr. A-Teem's friend and fellow conspiracy theorist, Kanye Putt-Butterinson, 44, agreed. 'What he said', he said.

In preparation for the staged catastrophe this weekend, both ships have been evacuated from their moorings on the river while several Beatle souvenir shops near the Pier Head have been surrounded by sand bags.

Donkey rides along New Brighton beach are postponed until after the deluge and parents are being warned to keep a tight hold of their children while picnicking in Vale Park or Harrison Drive this weekend. Returning day trippers wanting to take advantage of the free life-jackets will find it situated at either New or Seacombe Ferries.

NEWS FLASH: Health and safety officials have given the go-ahead to the council-sponsored OAPs vs. JSAs marathon scheduled to take place on New Brighton Dips that day.

Kids get new wall for 2010 World Cup

2010-06-09T11:15:00.009+01:00

Form our 201o World Cup correspondent, Ronaldo Snorts.

Wirral Council has forked out £100,000 to build a new mud wall around Liscard playing fields in preparation for the 2010 world cup, which kicks off next week.

The new wall, designed to keep children inside the park during the tournament is being hailed as the biggest construction project in Wirral since the start of the £80M NewboDome project.

Local children will be displaying their talents and ASBO's at an all star football match this weekend. Celebrities will join in the fun as a multitude of ex-Brookside stars flock to the match in support of the 'Agros Skilz 4 Skals' campaign.

"I've been in training for this event for months" said Les Boss, 58 of New Brighton. "It's been ages since I played a full 20 minutes so I hope my knee holds out. If it doesn't then my benefits will go back up a level or two".

Les, former Rovers goal keeper and full time chemtrail expert was keen to stress the importance of a THC rich training programme. "We've been feeding these kids Brek for weeks. The performance levels have gone through the roof" said Les, reclining in his hammock to the sound of dub reggae.

Not all residents are as thrilled as Les. A campaign group has been set up to ensure rowdy football tots do not bring large scale hooliganism to the Borough during the World Cup festivities. Football United in Controlling Kids (FUiCK) was set up by local activist Rusty Gash and hopes to lobby local councillors to ensure policed patrols are stepped up during the tournament.

"What our concerns are is that children may end up enjoying them selves and get involved in a healthy activity" said Rusty from her bunker in Vale Park. "The last thing we need in this area is well behaved and healthy children. It would be a disaster" she added.

Tickets go on sale for the event today and are available at all Bargain Boozes. If you buy 6 stella's you get two tickets free.

Methadone spill shuts Vicky road

2010-06-09T08:52:00.007+01:00

Victoria Road a few hours after the spill

Victoria road was brought to a stand still this afternoon when a lorry collided with a mobility scooter and overturned spilling it's contents.

The lorry was carrying 16 million litres of liquid methadone which was en route to Leasowe. Emergency services were quick to respond but local residents had already taken things into their own mouths.

"We were in the Railway enjoying happy hour when we heard this almighty crash" Omar Shareef, 14, informed the Groan, whilst enjoying a quadrupole baileys with ice cream. "Our kidda came in looking all monged and the next thing we know, the streets were full of kryptonite" he added very slowly and incoherently.

Wallasey fire brigade was first to attend the scene which shocked local residents, many of them elderly.

"The incident occurred at 14:56 and we arrived at the scene at 16:09." Said fireman Samuel from inside his helmet. "The area was covered with residents slurping at the tarmac with those bendy straws, and or lying unconscious outside the shop formerly known as the quickie" he added whilst playing with his massive hose.

Vladimir Bulivski, 87, a local entrepreneur, was an eye witness to the event. Standing outside his charity shop he said he was "amazed" at how quickly local mefs came to the aid of the emergency services and was "amazed" that no one got hurt in the following stampede. "I was amazed", he added.

Victoria road was re-opened to traffic again at 18:45 much to the relief of Stella Artos, who manages the local bargain booze. "Our delivery was held up for over two hours. We'd run totally dry on Superkings, Lambrini Light and Mini Cheddars."

A spokesperson for Green Fairy Inc, the company responsible got the distribution of methadone across the Wirral was unavailable for comment but a statement on their website said "404 file not found".

Merseyside police's crack road traffic incident unit, MPCRTIU, were quick to blame others.

Do you know anyone on methadone? Got a picture of them being sick? Email us now and win a months free giro.

Sir Bob: Rats to Reform

2010-05-03T11:52:00.013+01:00

by our celebrity correspondent Neil Spredham

Rock star and campaigner Sir Bob Geldof was at the centre of a tornado of controversy when he unleashed some startling news at a local event on Wirral this weekend.

For Sir Bob, 73, let it be known that plans are under way to re-record his most famous song, 'I Don't Like Mondays'.

The singer and father of two revealed that, due to pressures from family and fans, he and his band, The Boomtown Rats, have been in talks to re-boot the 1979 No. 1 sometime next Sunday afternoon.

Its release the following day is timed to coincide with Monday itself in the hope that it will raise awareness of the global effects of post-weekend depression (which many Wirraliens suffer from and have claimed benefits for).

The political activist and TV producer, in Birkenhead to publicise the event as part of a whistle-stop, world-wide press tour, explained his decision to go back into the studio again.

'As a single parent and Nobel Peace Prize nominee, I feel strongly about how our society has turned our backs on our fellow human beings', he said over an overlooked breakfast in Burst's cafe this afternoon.

'Every Monday, all over the world, people are returning to work with little or nothing to look forward to except the following weekend. Some feel the desperation and hopelessness they experience are too much to bear and simply refuse to address their problems, resulting in a massive loss in work-hours to the nation.'

Sir Robert, 68, hopes to re-define current industrial rights legislation by repealing a law that forbids the playing of the record during work hours. The law, enacted in 1982, states that public performances that incite discontent in the workplace be limited only to businesses that operate after 6pm.

In 1984, Sham 69 singer, Jimmy Pursey, was fined £250 when irate Czech roofers refused to complete work on the new Feargal Sharkey airport in Dublin after playing the band's 'Hersham Boys' continually during their 56-hour roof-top protest. In the aftermath of the trial, several members of top bands committed suicide and, as a result, the entire UK music industry collapsed.

Musicians such as Geldof and fellow human rights campaigner Iggy Pop, claim untold financial hardship due to the ban. Sir Bob aims to highlight what they see as loss of earnings by releasing the new single and a possible follow-up the next day.

'If the song takes off, we have plans to record a sequel,' claimed the Live Aid creator and Irish author/actor. 'During our research into global clinical depression, we discovered that hundreds of thousands of people are similarly disaffected after Bank Holiday. So our new song, 'F**k Tuesdays', will be spearheading the campaign to raise awareness of their terrible plight.'

The Wirral Groan asked the knight if his celebrity showbiz chums would be recording the song with him but he replied that that was Band Aid.

Showbiz World Shocked as Pric Comes Out!

2010-04-01T11:41:00.005+01:00

by our celebrity correspondent Neil Spredham

The Wirral showbiz world was brought to its knees this week as celebrity DJ and campaigner Pete Pric revealed that he is gay.

Pric, known for his charitable work throughout the region, leaked the news to stunned reporters on Monday at a gala premiere of his latest panto, Canal Street Memories, at New Brighton's historic Floral Pavilion.

Onlookers, some of them pensioners, gasped in incredulity as Pric, 86, dropped the bombshell shortly before taking to the stage. One, a Mrs. Olive-Ann Breathe, of Menstrual Avenue, Egremont, could hardly contain her disappointment at the news. 'Pete has long been a shining beacon of masculinity in a tawdry world of flagrant homosexuality', she cried into a sodden Kleenex. 'Now, I may have to boycott the Floral and his new pantomime altogether'.

Diego Vigilante, 109, is another whose preconceptions have been shattered. 'I've been a fan of Pete's since his rendition of Elton John's ''Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me'' went into the charts in 1982,' he grimaced involuntarily. 'I can hardly believe he bats for the other team'.

Pric, whose tenure as outspoken DJ for local radio station KYMC came to an end recently, has long been an rigorous campaigner and is known for his charity work for local rollerblading groups, nocturnal hiking associations and 'Save the Bear' wildlife societies.

However, in the wake of his recent revelations, many of these groups have turned their backs on the celebrity in order to distance themselves from any fall-out. Even stalwart showbiz pals such as Claire Sweeney and Ken Dodd have refused to support the embattled former DJ, claiming that their fan-base includes many impressionable teenagers who may forswear heterosexual relationships in light of Pric's declaration.

'Me ma is dead against any sort of bum-botherage,' insisted Sweeney from her palatial home in Neswall's fashionable footballer ghetto today. 'I feel sorry for Pete but if he thinks the good people of the Wirral will tolerate his gay lifestyle, he's in for a huge come-uppance'.

Reports are emerging today that sponsors for the panto are withdrawing their support, with brands such as Man-tuna Tea and refrigeration giants, Kevineater, removing their names from the Floral Pavilion web site.

The embattled star was seen today secretly entering his interior designer partner's abode via the rear entrance, looking very down-in-the-mouth.

Residents 'Paranoid' over Strange Sky Trails.

2010-03-17T16:18:00.011Z

by our science fiction correspondent Ken Trail

Several dozen Wirral residents have voiced concerns about strange smoke trails seen over the peninsula this week, prompting activists in the area to call for an inquiry into what they see as a conspiracy to reduce unemployment in the area.

Monday 15 March:

Wirral Groan staff were besieged with a few reports of strange 'chem trails' criss-crossing the skies over Liverpool and New Brighton yesterday caused by dozens of unidentified planes flying in regular patterns throughout the day.

Angry residents, worried that the chemicals may carry health-threatening properties, today were up in arms over the mysterious flights and blame sinister global societies intent on culling the region's jobless.

Chem trails were also spotted in places as far away as Canada and China, giving rise to fears that the flights are part of a fiendish plan to reduce the world's currently rampant unemployment figures. Campaigners plan to link the 'chem trails' with dwindling benefit claims and recent closures of local 'Job' Centres.

Vikram Tollemache, of watchdog group RESPECT (Report Extra Suspicious Planes Emitting Chem Trails), told our science fiction correspondent that the aircraft have been flying mystery missions over the area since the early 70s.

'Our fears that unknown aircraft spotted spewing unheralded vapours over the Wirral have gone unheeded until now', he confessed over a tepid vindaloo at Magic Spaz this afternoon. 'However, our colleagues at Vancouver's renowned Skywatch facility in Canada have reported seeing an increase in this type of air traffic, leading us to conclude that some sort of illegal contamination of the world's sperm supply is underway, obviously originating from a secret base somewhere in the Aigburth area of Merseyside'.

Aigburth has been prominent in reports of secret society activity in recent years after its controversial hosting of the Bilderberg Group's annual lunch and disco, normally held on Wednesdays.

However, due to picketing by anarchist groups intent on disrupting the event, global security forces, concerned over the safety of world leaders attending the event, have now moved it to Thursdays.

The Wirral Globe contacted several air bases in the area but their spokesman said that their flight paths were 'erratic' and 'up in the air'.

chem trail clip by Andy

Vintage Pub Torched by Yob

2010-03-16T18:23:00.008Z

by our crime correspondent Vince-Sendiary de Vice

Tens of disgruntled alcoholics were today mourning the loss of their favourite drinking hole as Wirral firemen struggled to extinguish its smouldering remains.

Emergency services were called out to New Brighton's fashionable Victoria Rd. district early this morning to find its most popular drinking establishment consumed by fire.

Reports that the fire was set by a local thug were confirmed by onlookers drinking in the pub at the time.

The pub, Peggy O'Fuckery's, owned by one-time Blackwater op and Mersey fisheries specialist, Filmore Loons, of Lower Expectation Rd., Seacombe, claims that the fire was caused by a local man who had been refused alcohol on a number of previous occasions.

The man, a former welder on the soon-to-be-demolished NewboDome, had become marginally disenfranchised when his demands for a final pint had been denied. Minutes later, the conflagration occurred, spreading throughout the bar and to the relaxation area outside.

'Customers are well aware that we do not allow smoking on the premises', said Loons, 45, from the safety of his blog today. 'So, it was quite a surprise to see large flaming sections of the building's historic roof fall in on the regulars still imbibing at the time'.

The police, who rushed to the scene of the crime five hours later, were said to be looking for a man in his early thirties sporting a distinctive red and yellow hair-cut, last seen running screaming down Victoria Rd and into the Mersey.

Local cockle pickers were sent to the river to search for the body.

Peggy's, whose reputation in the neighborhood has stabilised since the police were called in to quell anti-chem trail riots earlier this year, won the Pub of the Year award in 1922 for its elegantly-distressed interior.

However, may local residents have expressed delight at the pub's demise, citing debris left by carousing revellers intent on after-hours mayhem. Others, however, are dismayed to see the landmark hostelry destroyed and mourn the passing of the legendary boozer.

'Without Peggy's, there will be very little for pensioners and teenagers in the area to do', complained Margaret 'Flaps' McGuigan, a 55 year-old ex-delicatessen manageress from nearby Waterloo Rd.
'To date, one in five of New Brighton residents have been conceived on the premises. It's loss will be a tragic blow to many in the community'.

However, a scheme that enables funding from a 'twinned' town has been considered. Unfortunately, New Brighton is twinned with Nosbeki, a town 200 miles from Uganda, that was tragically burned to the ground by rebel forces at the weekend.

Grab a gran at Delaya's Lounge

2010-03-16T10:10:00.006Z

By our Nightlife correspondent Binge Downs

New Brighton is already heating up this spring down at the double glazed delights of Delaya's Lounge as they reveal their new resident DJ to star alongside the Cockmiester.

DJ Berryl of New Brighton Community Centre luncheon club has signed a six month residency at the all star night spot. Not your average clubber, Berryl, 82 of Hope Street New Brighton, is a relative new comer to the wheels of steel.

"My grandson needed some money fast and Crack Convertors wasn't taking any more decks since the closure of Marbars" said Berryl over a plate of watery instant mash potatoes. "So I decided to help my grandson out and buy them off him. He set them up for me at our luncheon club and within hours everyone had stood up and was wiggling their sticks in the air like they just didn't care".

Celebrity Grans have become all the rage in the Paris club scene recently and here at the Groan we can't help but feel New Brighton is a bit of its own left bank too.

"We're ecstatic to get some fresh DJ blood into this place" said Cocky Snr outside the Lounge as 5 track suited minors were escorted out of the premisses and up into JR's. "Our Jnr cock has been on these decks for pure time. He needs a break and maybe some serious competition will improve his mixing."

DJ Berryl is set to debut on Friday 19th March and reservations are recommended as a big turn out from the local homes is expected.

Wirral Author in New Book Shock!

2010-03-09T12:10:00.010Z

By our literary correspondent Simon le Dole

Wirral-born author and 80's day-time TV celebrity, Maxwell Ferret, returns home this weekend to publicise the launch of his new book.

Promising 'another fistful of stories featuring cowboys, hooligans, pig farmers, Romans, sailors and squaddies', the collection, entitled 'I, BRUTE!' will be available from his web site some time in the near future, probably.

Slumped behind a desolate desk in Conway Street's Books 4 Less, Ferret, 62, now a alcohol-dependency consultant in London's glamorous Elephant & Castle re-development ghetto, claims that, if not for the treachery of everyone concerned, he would have made it by now.

He sees 'I, BRUTE!' as his last chance to capitalise on the success of 'his' earlier book and spread awareness of the brand (defunct since 1987).

'Back then, we, I mean, I, ruled the world', exclaimed Ferret, his vintage neporene cycling shirt betraying evidence of elderly beer stainage. 'We had several TV shows and books to my credit'.

But it was his betrayal by those closest to him that led to his downfall. 'You have to look at it rationally,' he says. 'The lying, the cheating and the theft left me with virtually no-one to turn to but I was up to my ears in debt, guns and drugs at the time, so I'm forgiven'.

Ferret waxed nostalgic over the extremes of the 80s: the ad revenues, the free liquid lunches and the knife assaults on elderly TV producers. Did he regret them?

'It was the Yuppy Era!' he exclaimed. 'It was normal in those days for thrusting entrepreneurs like me to take credit for work created by others so it's hardly my fault those I worked for felt disenfranchised by my behaviour. But let's not forget - it was all their fault!'.

Veteran of such TV triumphs as BRUTE!'s Adventures of Sizzler (since re-mastered into a wheelie bin), Ferret now sees his future through severely rose-tinted spectacles.

'While others capitalised on my success and forged themselves viable careers in the media, I sat off and obliterated the cold reality of what my life had become with copious amounts of drugs whilst endlessly re-compiling my past glories into this new book. It's been almost 25 years but now I've completed the work!'

Sensing his exasperation, I nervously asked him why he had taken so long to write his slim bookletette. 'I spent my every waking hour outside of prison taking care of my son (except public holidays and pub opening hours). That's why I called my publishing company Good Dad'.

Priced at a mere 10 quid (and containing an even merer 25 pages), Ferret hopes to hook younger readers bored with politically-correct super heroes and feminist wizardry.

'Harry Potter isn't fit to scrape the saloon piles from my wrinkled scrotal sac,' spat Ferret bitterly into his pint.

'He's unrepresentative of modern youth with their guns, drugs and STDs. 'I, Brute!' will put this modern generation into perspective, admittedly from a perspective of a lonely, drink-ravaged pensioner with no job.'

Ferret will be touring the UK, reading extracts from his book, in the coming months. A quick tour of his web-site discloses no details but then it's not possible to buy the book from there either.

'Those web-site guys have betrayed me!' he raged, dislodging a set of borrowed dentures. 'If it wasn't for them, I'd be raking it in now!'

Jobcentres Report New Jobs Shock

2009-03-18T09:03:00.002Z

Times are hard the world over but Wirral Jobcentres are reporting a huge surge in vacancies in the area.

Workers in Birkenhead's Conwat St. branch revealed yesterday that up to a dozen jobs have become available for the first time in decades and many have expressed surprise that the region's normally depressed vacancy market has swelled to pre-1914 levels.

'We've been inundated with companies requiring part- and full-time staff,' said Lil Sambeaux, employment re-enabler for the Birkenhead JC. 'Its staggering considering there is a credit crunch on'.

Staff, who normally while away their day perusing the Wirral Groan and shuffling ancient claim forms, have been sifting through piles of CV's in an attempt to match claimants to the new career opportunities.

'We haven't seen such a surge in vacancies since Neptune Developments built the airship docking tower after the first world war,' beamed Lil from within the Kevlar enclosure that surrounds the Jobcentre's reception area.

'Many elderly folk are coming in just to stare at and fondle the new job cards', she said. 'And school leavers are being teased by their parents for applying'.

One job-seeker, who asked that his name be withheld for fear of vengeance enacted upon him by jealous jobless, fears that many of the jobs on offer will remain unclaimed.

'Me mates won't do these type of jobs', revealed Kirsten Doomed, 16. 'Instead, they prefer to wait until Cammell Lairds re-opens'.

Hundreds of claimants have since applied for the jobs indicating that, despite the stigma, many are still keen to work as bailiffs and counter clerks at employment agencies.

'Almost all of the vacancies are for workers at our own branch', smiled Val, ironically. 'One of the positive aspects of the economic downturn is that they will be enabling waves of school leavers in finding careers in rent-retrieval and supermarket trolley re-alignment'.

However, others were not so impressed by the Wirral work windfall. Wiilliam Sitov, of the Unworkers Union, declared many of the jobs were part of a statistical fraud designed to fool claimants back into work.

'Our members have a right to unemployment benefits and risk having their Guitar Hero scores undermined whilst at work', he spat. 'We seek to uncover these strategies and have them back where they belong, on t'dole'.

Chaotic Scenes at Library Sale

2009-03-04T12:30:00.007Z

By our crime correspondent Lance Boil

An elderly woman was arrested and a bus shelter left practically disabled as the Grand Wallasey Library Book Sale got underway yesterday.

Amid scenes of chaos, thousands of local elderly stormed past burly security in an attempt to buy the remnants of Earlston Library's literary stock.

Thousands of titles were frenziedly snatched and bundled away by the ancient readers, many of whom were alive when the books themselves were written.

Unemployed librarian, Pippa Hiss, 19, remained resolutely aghast when I spoke with her today. 'Many of our elderly readers were keen to get their hands on sale items', explained Pippa over a limpid cereal this morning.

'The trouble started when two grans, known as local troublemakers, began fighting over one particular Mills and Boon title. Suddenly, all Hell broke loose!'

Police were called when neighbours from as far away as Neswall complained of loud crackling as fights erupted and tons of rare paperbacks were set ablaze.
Despite reports of over 200 stabbings, glassings and renal failures, police were only able to arrest one 89 year-old woman, who attempted to assault constables with a wheelchair before being subdued with a lawful brain injury.

Wirral Police confirmed the incident took place, but said by the time they were called the thugs had dispersed.

'They were just too quick for us', a police spokesperson admitted, eventually.

Nep Dev's Gyrodome Will Reduce Benefit Fraud, says Tax man

2009-02-10T11:04:00.011Z

by our architectural correspondent Wade Bridge
The latest step in Neptune Developments' continuing goal to cleanse the Wirral went one step further today when plans to build the new extension of Morrisons' Welfare to Work HQ were given the go-ahead by local planning chiefs.

A lucrative partnership between global online bank Paypunk, web entrepreneurs Goddle and Illuminartzy, a financial cabal bent on total world domination, have engineered the construction, set to start in nearby 2010.

Traditionally aghast residents were predictably skeptical when news about the 365 euro development was leaked to the regulars in the Foil and Zippo pub, Conwat St. yesterday, at a special protest meeting that continued well into the early hours.

'Since the proposal to build the new Girodome here in Birkenhead went through, protest groups in the area have gone into overdrive,' said retired undercover benefits fraud strategist, Vaughn Halen, 55, basking in the warmth from a nearby Ginster's this morning.

'Some of us have spent our lives, and those of our grandmas, unemployed in the shadow of the Liver Bird. While Euro hand-outs and culture grants have spilled like manna from Heaven into the open hands of scousers, here in Birkenhead all we're good for is a unworkers processing facility!'

The new centre is planned to handle the claims of over 450,000 'customers', who will have to travel from all over Britain to receive hourly benefits in a bid to reduce fraud.

Once inside, claimants will have five different departments, or levels, to conquer before receiving their hand-out: Housing, Unemployment, Disability, Tagging and Incineration.

Inland Revenue report claimant complaints have plummeted 100% since they started the project in Uganda five years ago and hope to do the same in with several thousand of the OSS cemtres being planned for the North of England and the world as a whole.

Town planners are expected to demand an extension to the Farmer's Market to help cope with the influx of hungry unworkers.

New Report Urges Reform in Sexual Assault Amenities

2009-01-22T13:01:00.004Z

An alarming report has uncovered a serious lack of amenities for sexual assault victims on Merseyside and Birkenhead as a whole.

The Wirral Groan's research department, Kelly, has uncovered the stark facts, lain buried for decades, on how the sad and helplessly lonely victims of groping and worse have failed to be supported by local groups on Merseyside.

Vadge Witherspoon is a 45 year-old mother of eight who lives within walking distance of the Olde Machete Saloon in Leasowe Rd.

When she was just 44, she was made to feel moderately dis-empowered by a middle-aged relative during a impromptu seance.

Since then, her fear of sex and the supernatural has resulted in the loss of a husband and the job she loved.

'My experience isn't uncommon.' said Vadge, who has since asked that her identity and those of her four children, Hurt, Hit and Fed, be disguised.

'I found that most of my fellow victims had nowhere to meet and that there were no sexual assault support meetup groups near Birkenhead whatsoever'.

That's when Vadge decided to start up a local group, WVONSAMGW (Wirral Victims of No Sexual Assault Support Meetup Groups Whatsoever) to help those who felt that their resource network infrastructure was not being socially enabled.

Wirral MP, Shankly Hacker, who initiated the report, agrees. 'Its been difficult for victims of lack of sexual assault support groups to come forward for fear of derision by the public after the inevitable exposure when the media limelight explodes in their faces!' spat Hacker, still vulnerable after pictures of his recent public spat with Girls Akimbo singer, Mareeeesha, were sold to the Sunday Sponk for 300 quid.

The Wirral Groan contacted over 160 groups and asked if they had any special events planned for victims of lack of sexual assault support facilities but most of them were on tour or in bed.

Do you know of any Sexual Assault workshops in your area?
Would you like to meet others interested in Sexual Assault?
Are you currently on the Sex Offenders Register?

Write to our lively Wirral Groan letters page!

Wirral Food Shortage Thwarted!

2009-01-22T12:12:00.007Z

by our welfare correspondent Sid Ovsky

A potentially devastating peninsula-wide food shortage was narrowly averted this morning when a monstrous eel was discovered stranded on the banks of the River Mersey.

Pensioners, many who have had grave problems staying alive during this winter's credit crunch, were jubilant at the find.

'Most of us have never seen so much food before', marveled elderly ex-librarian and swimming instructor Chuck Dickinson, 76. 'Not since the spectacular giant squid find of 1947 which the Wirral dined on for three years'.

Stunned onlookers looked on stunned as local Chinese swarmed over the giant eel carcass, (rumoured to be three football pitches long and almost as wide as Kerry Katona), cutting the meat into strips for sale in the Farmer's Market later on today.

The Wirral Groan asked our resident culinary expert to come up with a suitable menu.

Take seven hundredweight of eel and add to boiling water
Strain off the scum and put it into a plastic bin liner.
Allow to congeal.
Add hair and human excrement.
Send to Wallasey Town Hall.

Global Unworkers Union Chooses Wirral for Conference Venue.

2009-01-21T15:15:00.000Z

by our welfare correspondent Sid Ovski

Last year's Montreal conference broke attendance records
The DGAFU, the international unworkers union, is to choose the Wirral for its annual conference in 2010.

The event, which barely attracts more than a handful of its global 240 million membership, is in its 90th year and is set to draw crowds from as far away as Wales.

The DGAFU, who were formed not long after the stock market crash of the 1920's, have endured world wars and recessions and have survived despite almost continual lack of support from its own members.

Lloyd Winston, Head of the Institute of Advanced Inactivity, spoke to the Groan about the need for a conference no one bothers to attend. 'We feel that, as the credit crunch deepens, many people no longer take us seriously as a union, ' explained the esteemed academician from the rich mahogany of a supporting mantelpiece yesterday.

'Here, in the Wirral, there are a steadfast nation of fellow unworkers who, we hope, will swell the ranks of this year's conference'.

He emphasised the importance of maintaining the traditions of the union and its devotion to its core beliefs. 'The DGAFU have been giving slackers a bad name since 1929 and we hope to be able to be bothered to do so in future'.

Despite the set-backs, the DGAFU have been unable to attend several political demonstrations this year. They were absent from most major unemployment rallies and only managed to complete one engagement, the Sunbathing for Darfur charity marathon which they later revealed they entered by mistake.

Several of their original members are from Merseyside. Roy Lake, 77, of Lower Expectation Rd. Seacombe, used to be a full-time unworker until he slipped and broke both of his benefits in a fall. He now suffers from a full-time job working as a leisure consultant for Slactivities Incorporated, a branch of the Bonidal group.
Roy Lake yesterday (Guitar Hero score 420000)
'I'd not worked a proper job since I retired from me paper round in 1942,' murmured Roy, splaying idly across the cushioned upholstery of a late 19th-century embroidered ottoman. 'Without the grants, benefits, loans, workshops and courses I very much doubt people like me could have lasted as long as we have'.

Roy explained how, over the years, he'd aided both Tory and Labour governments during his years as an unworker. 'Without my continual presence on courses such as Wirral DJ Initiative and New Ferry Scrapheap Challenge, the powers-that-be would have had to own up to the true unemployment figures and stop burying our fellow unworkers in the stats!'

Despite vast numbers of unworkers failing to show up for last year's conference in Montreal, DGAFU chairman, Bob Nodofalot, has high hopes for the Wirral meet. 'We're sponsored by Nintendo, Pizza Lab and several growers' organisations,' he murmured, eventually.'Lenny Henry, one of our most well-known members, has agreed to give out the Golden Giro awards too!'

But word on the streets wasn't confirming his positive outlook. Jobless, ex-soft furnishings consultant Rocky Burns, reckons it will all be a waste of time. 'I never went to last year's and this year will be no different', he shrugged noncommittally over an abandoned breakfast last night.

Mr. Burns, 56, who recently moved back to his mother's house after a chip pan set his sofa on fire, claims he is not affiliated to any unworkers' union and prefers to remain independent, adding, 'I just can't be arsed'.
Unworkers riot in a storm of violent protest at recent benefit cuts

Tickets will be available for the DGAFU Conference from Conway St. Jobcentre or any branch of Netherspoons.

Council leader ‘hit by bus’

2009-01-16T15:22:00.004Z

Labour council leader, Cllr Fuckups, was in a stable but serious condition last night, after being hit by a bus full of protestors at one of the Wirral’s many lollipop lady-free road crossings.

Cllr Fuckups was leaving Wallasey Town hall after a heated public meeting in which he delivered a fatal stroke to swimming and reading fans across the borough.

Onlookers spoke of the total carnage caused to the Stagemaster single decker bus as it tried to dodge the unpopular councilor. Fortunately for Fuckups, the bus clipped his left rear pocket, hitting only his wallet and causing the bus to flip violently into a nearby lamppost.

Six elderly protestors were also taken to Arrow Park hospital suffering from mild burns caused by falling hashish rocks.

The accident was embarrassing for Cllr Fuckups, who had only recently scrapped all funding for Wirral’s persecuted lollipop ladies.

Only minutes before, Cllr Fuckups had made a passionate plea in support of leisure cuts claiming, “If I was to be hit by a bus tomorrow, there would still be the budget issues and problems for this council”. He was run down by the packed 433 bus (4pm every second Thursday).

Merseyside police say they are investigating the incident, while Labour Councilor’s are claiming the incident was provoked by a Conservative Councilors Facebook page.

Cllr Fuckups wasn’t available for comment but a spokesperson for Labour said he was recovering at a secret location in the Bahamas with Neptune Developments physician, Dr Strangelove.

Readers' Newbodome pics

2009-01-13T12:52:00.007Z

Since the Newbodome began construction way back in November of last year, dozens of Wirraliens have sent in their photographs to the Groan. Here's a selection.

Wirraliens relax in the newly-refurbished Playas Lounge, New Brighton

Thanks to Kev Larr for this lovely pic of his brother Craig, shortly before his brain scan.

Holidaymakers enjoy a day by the new Morrisons InStyle HQ

Thanks to Bebbington Balloonies for this aerial pic of West Kirby

Wirral Doctor claims ‘miracle weight loss’ cure

2009-01-12T11:43:00.001Z

Dr En Em Hah and his staff

With the looming cuts in recreation and sports centers, a new dieting craze has hit the Wirral, guaranteeing a 100% success rate. The Wirral Groan’s celebrity weight gain correspondent, Lippa Sucktions, spoke to ‘Dr Diet’ about his miracle cure.

I arrived at the luxurious new office complex of the The Wirral Weigh-In Centre around midday. Located in Newbodome's newly-completed health and incapacity benefit processing quarter, or ‘Section B-FAT’, as it is known to developers and police.

After over-indulging on Lambrini dips and Turkey swirls over Christmas, I was keen to meet up with the Wirral’s new weight loss guru.

Hailing from Noctorum, but originally from North Korea, Dr En Em Hah, or ‘Dr Diet’ as he is known to locals, claims he has found the ultimate dieting solution. For a one-off consultation fee of £285+VAT., Dr Diet guarantees drastic weight loss, or your money back.

The waiting room is packed with love-handled WAGS and Wirral celebrities, who were first in line to take advantage of Dr Diet’s one-step-diet-for-life solution.

As I scan the double chins I spot none other than Claire Sweeny of local TV fame, shock radio jock Pete Pric perusing a copy of ‘On Heat’ magazine and twelve months pregnant Girls Akimbo star, Prentonella.

A nurse calls out my name and I am escorted through the glass-floored atrium, with great white sharks and other endangered marine life underfoot, into a spacious glass-walled office overlooking West Wirral’s wet marshlands.

From behind the desk (£99 from Arsog office department), a swivel chair (free with Arsog desk) turns slowly and a diminutive. tanned figure, holding a white cat, silhouettes into view. The nurse offers me a protein steak and kidney smoothie and seats me on a piece of expensive Swedish furniture before hastily leaving the room via a glass elevator.

“'More thinner than thin', that’s our motto here at The Wirral Weigh-In Centre”, explains Dr En Em Hah.

Dr En Em Hah and his team arrived in Wirral hailing from the successful weight loss schemes he had been overseeing in Pyongyang. With up to 98% of the North Korean population drastically underweight, Dr En Em Hah’s radical program was picked up by Wirral delegates on a fact-finding mission to North Korea early last year.

Council chiefs were quick to sign a 6-figure contract to secure Hah’s medical knowledge to help tackle Wirral’s alarming obesity problem.

Our interview is suddenly cut short as a red phone on the doctors desk starts to ring, alarmingly. Dr En Em Hah explains that an emergency ‘gut bust’ has just taken place on the Four Bridges UN food aid dock terminal complex and we must leave immediately.

A team of nurses in tight-fitting spandex outfits grab various tubing and silver brief cases, as we lunge head-first into a Perspex tube which hurtles us to an awaiting helicopter on the 98th floor.

As we fly beneath the cloud systems of the Newbodome, dodging Police Helicopters and unmanned drones, Dr En Em Hah continues to explain the success of his 'Waist not Weight' program.

“The problem with Wirraliens is that have been feasting on a diet of battered confectionery and imported alcopops for far too long. Our aim is to reduce the levels of fat people to a central planning figure of zero. If you have more than 2mm of fat index your benefits will be scrapped, thus insuring more rapid weight loss is achieved”.

The helicopter abruptly lands at the site of the emergency. Police in bio hazard suits have sealed off the area and we are refused entry to the site with Dr En Em Hah and his rapid response team.

After several minutes inspecting the scene, the team quickly scoop up all displaced glycerol and hastily embark back into the chopper, flying through Newbodome's higher atmosphere in the direction of Arrow Park.

The claims of Dr En Em Hah and his team are yet to be tested but many celebrities have spoken out at the success rate of his program, leaving many Wirraliens considering the pinch as they try to tighten their belts during the predicted 10-year credit crunch ahead of us.

I for one have signed up to the program and will report back soon on how many pounds it has cost me.

Newbodome Construction Nears Final Phase

2009-01-09T17:23:00.000Z

click to enlarge
By our architectural correspondent Wade Bridge
Documents leaked to the Wirral Groan today reveal the extent of Neptune Developments continuing re-civilization of the peninsula.

The top secret document graphically shows how the Wirral will be shared out among one stop shop services, benefits conglomerates, large supermarket chains and incorporated leisure amenities.

The Dome, currently 75 years ahead of building schedules, reached Rock Ferry an hour ago and can be seen steadily approaching Bromborough and Raby Mear.

Over 450,000 workers are currently working double 18-hour shifts, many of them elderly.

The map, stolen by a concerned employee worried that his heritage, and that of humanity as a whole, might be endangered should the company's final solution be put into plan was later destroyed by police in an uncontrolled explosion.

Angry scenes greet council leader

2009-01-08T15:33:00.001Z

Scenes turned ugly last night as Wirral Council met face-to-face with its obese and illiterate electorate.

Tempers boiled over at the first of a series of planned forum consultations where members of the public were finally given their chance to speak up about the looming closure of Wirral.

Council leader, Gary Fuckups, was greeted to boos and shouts of ‘he’s behind you’ from megaphone-faced changing room attendents as he entered the complex, flanked by armed members of the elite cardboard cop unit.

The event was held at the soon-to-be-axed Morton Heights Community Centre. Many members of the public were left out in the cold and had to watch the fracas on large plasma screens (Home Style department, Arsog) installed especially for the event while residents were piled twelve deep inside.

For the first time, council leaders acknowledged plans for the almost-completed ‘Newbodome’ construction, but donned Masonic insignia when questioned who was funding it.

Many residents, angry; elderly; some of them foreign, waited outside for any news they were unable to download from their ifones.

“I waited hours in line to get in” exclaimed frustrated freelance culinary toxicologist and former Liscard resident, Vlodick Havalotova, 19. “In my country, when we see a line, we join it. We thought we’d get bread, vodka and free needles,” he exhaled into the minus 28 degree night air.

Merseyside police are anticipating more ugly scenes at the next forum event, due to take place tonight, at New Brighton's newly-constructed welfare-to-party quarter.

Cllrs. Weather Storm of Protest

2009-01-08T12:50:00.000Z

by our political correspondent Peregrine Falcone

Wirral council have called in special riot police to protect councillors from angry residents at tonight's public meeting at the Floral Pavilion, New Brighton.

After last night's violent demonstrations outside West Kirby Concourse (in which 500 people were injured), security officers recommended that a private firm be brought in to deter protestors and encourage silence amongst the elderly and/or deranged during the debates.
Ken Dodd, 127, has also appealed for calm.

The debate, which Wirral council have kindly opened to the public, is due to start this evening at 7pm and will allow the councillors to explain exactly which public amenities are to be sold or managed by local gangsters/volunteers.

The council wants to be as inclusive as possible,' said cllr. Steve Fukups from the safety of a Kevlar Portakabin. 'That's why we're having this open debate to find out exactly what the public really wants before the hammer comes down.'

The police are asking members of the general public to leave automatic weapons at the cloakroom.

Sacked Hacks in Union Deadlock

2009-01-07T16:08:00.001Z

by our political correspondent Peregrine Falcone

Wirral Groan staff returning to work after the holidays had more than a hangover to endure when they turned up at the office today. For, in their absence, secretive deals between the newspapers owners and a mysterious Belorussian oligarch may have made them early victims of the economic recession.

First to find themselves locked out was pert, 21 year-old Lyndsay Doyle, who turned up for work at the Groan's Neswall offices as usual at 11am. 'The gates were locked,' said Ms. Doyle from the warmth of a nearby sweater. 'No-one knew what was happening until the police arrived and told us that the Groan was sacking 50 of its top journalists.'

Alarmed scribblers contacted their union who alerted the press who then watched as two van loads of riot squad offices dispersed their fellow members with extreme prejudice in a bizarre media cycle of post-modern irony.

Michelle Suit, editor-in-chief of the Wirral Groan, promised readers that there would be no relaxing of deadlines and that the news would continue to be invented as usual. 'Due to the credit crunch many of our former employees have become superfluous,' spoke our leader during a sumptuous power brunch at Bobby's Bar today. 'However, we have made an arrangment with the new owners who will absorb most of the redundancies within the Morrisons' warehouse complex, due to be relocated throughout Neswall and Boylake next year'.

Investigations into the theft of a mousepad from the Wirral Groan offices have resulted in multiple arrests of illegal immigrants, a police spokesman complained.

Farmers Market returns to Wirral

2009-01-07T15:53:00.000Z

The first Farmer’s Market of 2009 will kick off this weekend, with award winning produces from as far afield as Kabul, North Wales.

This month’s market focuses on produce from the Helmland province including many rare strains of high-altitude, poppy seed-based bio goods.

Worried credit crunchies can pick up great bargains, including biobrown, herbal teas and full-body clothing made from 100% pure opiates.

The market starts at 08:30 in New Brighton’s newly-completed entertainment and benefit processing quarter.

TV Tough Guy takes on Wirral Street Gangs

2009-01-07T00:39:00.000Z

by our celebrity correspondent Neil Spredham

Tough-talking, gut-punching superstar and ex-Eastenders hard man Rugg Thump visited Wallasey today to film the first part of his TV documentary series.

The show, Rugg Thump on Gangs (for QVC's Terror Channel), is part of a three-part series on elderly gangs who terrorise the young and frail and sell drugs outside community centres. In this hard-hitting expose, Thump enters the twilight world of the street grans and confronts the fear they create within our vulnerable communities.

During the last decade, the rising numbers of elderly in places like Wallasey have given rise to a surge in over 60's street gangs, with names such as The Oxton Octenagarians and the PPP (Poulton Pensioner Possee) striking terror into local communities.

But one gran-related incident last year sparked a wave of revulsion and disgust so profound the police finally had to act. In an unprovoked attack, a 70-year old with strong connections to local bingo corruption, was savagely assaulted as he left a Liscard cafe.

'It was known in the village that he was fighting for control of the local Viagra trade', said Mrs. Smegra Viley, 93, from the shelter of a low-flying police helicopter. 'But the Liscard Stenners heard about it and he was attacked as he left Elderlies in the precinct'.

The victim is still undergoing surgery to have a sharpened Zimmer frame removed from his prostate.

Thump, 43, says that pensioner crime will increase the more society turns its backs on these forgotten OG's. 'They need money and respect and they will turn to violence to get what they want,' said Rugg from the palatial extension of his superstar trailer yesterday. 'Their younger brothers, some of them still in their 60s, are bullied into joining and are forced to surrender their disability benefits, Morrisons vouchers and medication. Only by watching my programme can the world, and Wirral as a whole, ever hope to regain control of its streets again!'

Police are still trying to locate the attacker, said to be white, in his 80's and wearing a tracksuit stolen from VD Sports last year.

Skateboard Park gets Thumbs-Up

2008-12-29T20:50:00.000Z

by our extreme sports correspondent Olly Weeler

Extreme sports enthusiasts were jumping for joy yesterday when it was announced that New Brighton is finally getting its own skate park.

The council gave the go-ahead for construction of the resort's first BMX, in-line and skateboard park and fans of the dangerous sports were jubilant that their dream, proposed almost 30 years ago, is due to be realised at last.

Local sports groups rejoiced when West New Brighton MP, Shankly Hacker, 39, confirmed the site for the park which is rumoured to be alongside the Marine Lake (soon to be Morrisons' Welfare-to-Work scheme headquarters).

'Who knew back in 1980 that our dream of a place to skate safely would one day reap rewards?' gurgled surly, implacable deforestation enabler Craig Fumbly, 46, of Boylake View, New Brighton. 'I'd like to thank several Wirral Council administrations for their patience in handling our proposal, especially those who are no longer with us. Unfortunately, many of the original crew will not be able to use the new park due to injuries sustained during extreme sports competitions on the M53, back in the 80's.'

The Associated Skate Board Organisation (ASBO) first proposed their idea to Wirral Council back in June, 1977, when skateboarding was still in its infancy in the UK.

Despite several well-orchestrated publicity stunts and petitions, ASBO failed to secure agreements from either local businesses or the council, forcing generations of skaters to take to the streets. Since then, over 5000 have been horribly disfigured or killed on Wirral's roads.

However, due to the re-emergence of the sport in the late 80's, and with top skaters like Tony Alva (66) earning millions of dollars, forward-thinking MP Shankly Hacker thought it was high-time they reconsidered the plans.

'I see this skate park not merely as a sports amenity but as a symbol of HOPE and CHANGE!' he said via megaphone from the sun roof of his Kevlar-coated Humvee before jetting off with his girl band for a short golfing cruise yesterday.

The project, slated for preliminary construction in late December 2044, will boast the latest state-of-the-art amenities including high-tech ramps constructed in the latest bio-degradable materials (wood).

Movie review

2008-12-22T08:21:00.001Z

Click for full image

Evil librarians look out! Hitting cinema's December 24th is the book busting adventure of Captain Forks and the Underwater Library.

Captain Forks and the Underwater Library thrusts several "name" actors into the specialised world of Fat Packet. Packet, who has been writing science fiction ever since he teamed up with Rob Taxpaper, of Neptune Industries, directs this acclaimed sequel. Six Somalian shipwreck victims are rescued by a modernistic submarine containing strange 'W' markings.

The skipper is Captain Forks (Cllr Gary Forks), who had not died at the end of ‘20,000 Protestors at the end of the street’ as viewers had been led to believe. Instead, he has installed a fantastic underwater library, with swimming facilities, using this subterranean metropolis as a base of operations for his war against mankind.

Premier screening at Warner Village, Birkenhead or download it from our Wayne's torrent server, now.

Newbodome Construction reaches Seacombe Ferry

2008-12-19T13:35:00.000Z

by out architectural correspondent Wade Bridge

Wirral's huge Newbodome, the biggest underglass peninsula in the world, has surpassed previous expectations by covering most of the area from New Brighton to Seacombe Ferry.

Neptune Developments are impatient to keep ahead of schedule and plan to have all of their 240,000 construction crew working 24/7 over the holidays. Rob Taxpayer, ND spokesman, exhaled with sanctimony as he excitedly relished his company's success to date. 'Neptune have exceeded its wildest expectations,' he gushed . 'We're already 50 years ahead of schedule but we don't want to become complacent. We aim to reach Rock Ferry by Tuesday lunch!'

Residents living along the Employment Corridor have been told to buy their own hard hats since over 20,000 Romanian double-glazing and loft insulation specialists have fallen to their deaths from the gigantic dome recently.

22 year-old Lloyd Bridge suffered severe cranial discomfort when a plummeting solar panel engineer fell on him when his harness (£12.99 Arsog DIY department) broke. Lloyd is recovering well at home and will leave intensive care on Friday.

Wirral Delegation arrives in Zimbabwe

2008-12-19T10:45:00.000Z

by out political correspondent Peregrine Falcone

Wirral's beleaguered council leaders arrived in Harare last night for a series of private meetings with African dictator, Robert Mugabe.

Cllr. Gary Forks, Labour council leader, hopes the meetings will guide him through the tough decisions ahead, tackling Wirral’s failing economy and dealing with protesters and opposition groups .

Cllr. Forks presented President Mugabe with a one stop shop library as a token of Wirralien gratitude before heading off for 7-hour tour of the locals. “If it wasn’t for Robert, we’d be the worst serving administration, globally,” said Cllr. Forks today, from his suite in the presidential palace.

Wirral is poised to sign massive loan deals with Zimbabwe, which could see as much as 134 zillion Zimbabwean dollars (£68.90) flood into the local economy through deposits in Wirral's betting shops and tanning salons.

Cllr Forks and his aides will return to Wirral sometime in mid-2009 after an extensive, five-star safari tour of Somalia.

Bond 23 to be Filmed on Wirral!

2008-12-18T14:52:00.000Z

by our celebrity correspondent Neil Spredham

Scallies watch out! Because secret agent 007 is coming to Wirral and this time he's a local!

That's right, the Wirral Groan can exclusively reveal definitive proof, leaked to us by secret sources sworn to secrecy, that the next James Bond movie will be filmed right here on Merseyside.

It's no secret, however, that current 007 actor, Craig David, is from the peninsula and it has been suggested by moles lurking deep within Pinewood Studios that the success of his previous outings as the agent has given him carte blanche when it comes to choosing locations for the next film.

Craig, pictured here pouting and jogging in New Brighton yesterday, was definitely keeping schtum about it but he did pause briefly to comment to reporters before sprinting off.

'The producers originally wanted to go to New Mexico for the new Bond film but I held them back', said ex-bouncer and DJ Craig, tremulously fingering the logo on his product-placement Speedos. 'I reminded them that it would be as twice as cheap to shoot in Birkenhead - and just as dangerous.'

Craig is confident that he can make it happen and added that Wirral Council had already offered their help to get the ball rolling. 'They've offered to sell the production company several listed buildings,' beamed Craig. 'So expect some fireworks!!'

The new Bond movie, provisionally titled Bond 23 (although sources close to my source tell me that The Kop is Not Enough is no longer being considered) could provide up to 5 seasonally-adjusted jobs for local youths with the best jobs in special effects and set construction going to lucky professionals from outside the area.

Also, rumours of Jennifer Ellison playing Bond girl Felicia Gripwood have been scotched as she is currently appearing as a contestant on Channel 5's Celebrity Come Gargling.

MPs Deliver Fatal Blow

2008-12-18T14:45:00.000Z

by our political correspondent Peregrine Falcone

Wirral MP Frank Soil and Labour Council leader Gary Forks delivered a fatal blow to anti-cultural cuts protesters last night, as moves to deny public debate passed swiftly through the chamber.

In angry scenes which parallel those seen throughout Greece this month, Soil, 123, took action into his own hands.

“I came to the extraordinary meeting of the council's cultural cuts and cod fishery funds re-alignment meeting tonight to show my support for the proposals,” said Frank, on the steps of Wallasey town hall.

“These protesters are just ignorant scum and locals. We know conservative groups are behind the protests, but what do they offer as a solution? Gary and I came out here tonight to sort them out, just as we did New Labour”.

Soil, who is no stranger to anti-social behavior, grappled with grans, minors and fit swimming instructors as he tried to leave the meeting.

Union leaders and protest groups were disgusted at the scenes. Grans against Government (GAG) spokesperson, and serial arrestee, Joan Payments, 89, was, as normal, outraged. “Argggggghhhhh, my arm, yor gonna break it” she screamed, as police used non-confrontational restraining tactics banned by the Geneva Convention.

Merseyside police said they had arrested a number of protesters under the new Prevention of Freedom Act. “In the post 9/11 environment, legitimate protest and civil liberty cannot be tolerated”, laughed Detective Constable Paul Pott.

Top cop in bravery award

2008-12-18T13:38:00.001Z

Wirral’s elite paper police received a ream of praise last night, as serving Merseyside officer, Flatt Packt, 180g, received the forces highest award for bravery.

PC Packt, who was honored alongside two of his three dimensional colleagues from Manchester’s crack Canalstreet-Unit, is the first Merseyside officer to receive the prestigious ‘Charles Manson award for outstanding bravery’.

Home secretary, Tessa Bowels, awarded the awards in a plush reception at the Home Office, London. Bowels made special mention of PC Packt, whose heroic actions have gripped the nation since that fateful day last October.

PC Packt was honored for the high profile arrests of several well known Anti Social Behavioral Orderlies in the notorious Birkenhead district, ‘North End Quarter’. Packt, who received several almost fatal puncture wounds during the arrest, spoke of his ordeal to a pensive audience of media folk and political aids.

“Im happy in the knowledge that my action has removed several banned hole punches from the streets of Birkenhead.” Said proud Packt yesterday. “I didn’t think my life was in danger. It wasn’t until paramedics pointed out that I had been punched over 60 times. That’s when I thought I had been written off,” he added.

“We are very proud of Constable Packt,” said Will Spray, Merseyside police public relationships development support manager. “At first many of our brave officers were unsure of cardboard policing. However, the amount of paper work done has been slashed and police can go back to what they do best. Ordering take-away,” he chortled whilst downing a glass of 1996 Don Perion Champaign.

PC Packt is set to return to Wirral’s mean streets in late 2009, when his sickness benefits will be denied alongside 300,000 other Wirraliens.

What causes facial injury?

2008-12-17T17:23:00.000Z

Public awareness of, and concern for, facial safety has increased dramatically in the last few years. Official records indicate that one person in 500 suffers from a punch in the head each year, although the true figure is thought to be much, much higher.

Letts, Fleecem and Spenditt acts for a number of victims, including those who have suffered headbutts and kicks to the facial region.

What causes facial injury?

The presence of dangerous alcohol such as Lambrini, Hooch or White Lightning is thought to be responsible for most of the cases of facial injury. Also, your proximity to Wirral’s night clubs may exacerbate this condition.

Facial disfigurement can occur for a variety of reasons including unfaithfulness to a member of a violent family, semi-digested food being deposited on an unsuspecting member of the public, disinformation regarding pint ownership and poor hygiene standards in a public lavatory.

What do I do if I find myself the victim of facial injury?

If you suspect you have suffered from facial injury, it is important that you seek medical attention. This will usually mean going to see your GP. This will also assist in any subsequent legal claim, especially if he is a mate.

The Environmental Health Department of your local council has a responsibility to ensure that your head remain safe within their jurisdiction. If your head has suffered from a battering, it is important to contact them as soon as possible so that they can investigate the matter. In some cases, they may even prosecute the person responsible for kicking or punching your head, but don’t bank on it. Again, the results of any investigation by the Council may be helpful in any claim for compensation that you subsequently bring, especially if you are a mason.

Can I claim compensation for facial injury?

One of the difficulties with facial injury cases is proving that a particular source of drunken yobbo caused the health problems. Clearly, if a number of people have all suffered similar health problems and the only connection is that they all wound up a particular scally, this makes a claim much easier. Alternatively, if a sample of the scally (i.e. a trainer lace or kebab DNA) has been retained and can be tested later, this can be important evidence in a case.

The financial compensation awarded for facial injury is usually relatively modest. Remember that in addition to being compensated for the general pain and suffering, you are also likely to be able to claim for time off work or the cost of medical treatment and medicines.

If you are unable to find yourself in a position to blag compensation for facial injury, our crack team of ‘pre litigation injury facilitators’ will stop you outside your favourite hostelry and fuck you up, big time.

So, don’t delay. Mop up the blood (not too much) and get over to

Letts’ Fleecem and Spenditt!

Infographic: How your tax is spent

2008-12-17T10:33:00.000Z

Click for full image

With the current furore over council spending cuts reaching dizzying heights, the Wirral Groan set its graphics team the task to illustrate just how your money is being spent.

FEATURE: YOBS IN SPACE!

2008-12-16T23:52:00.000Z

MP Frank Soil has made headlines again for his fearless and controversial plans for anti-social families.

And he should know. For Frank, 103, is none other than MP for Brekinhead, the notorious Merseyside ward where scum rule and the elderly are prey to attacks from rock-lobbing tots.

His plans, which were revealed last year to almost universal praise from Merseyside folk, were to re-house misbehaving families in bunkers under local motorways.

However, experts poured scorn on the proposal, claiming that the yobs would breed in captivity thereby unleashing a new genetic strain of hybrid super-scal on nearby communities.

However, the Groan can exclusively reveal that a team of scientists has been working on a proposal that could see Frank’s dreams come true – only in orbit.

Our scientific correspondent, Sheena Kidd, went to Crim Jet Systems Inc, Bromborough, to see how work is progressing on a space platform that is literally out of this world.

“We read Frank’s article in Ha! magazine,” explained Jet Clintwood, founder of ‘Crim Jet Systems’. “We believe any decent society should try and prevent dysfunctional families from being a menace. But when all other methods fail, punishments should be applied - in our case by re-housing them in orbit”.

Crim Jet Systems is a Wirral-based space agency working under license with Wirral Space Port.

The plan met with approval from local MPs. “Cut their benefits and stick them under the motorway - we first thought that was a great idea", enthused MP for Egremont, Lyndsey Doyle, speaking from the One Stop Shop at Wallasey Town Hall (now Sandraz Kutz). "Now, with the Crim Lift Proposal, if they continue to misbehave, we can not only cut their benefits but reduce their oxygen at the same time!”

Originally designed by Crimlift Industries of Bromborough, the Space platform concept was intended for the delivery of cargo into orbit without the use of costly rockets.

However, the idea was shelved for a decade until a consortium, headed by MP Frank Soil and a cabal of politicians and footballers, came on board to rescue the plan for their Homes for Hooligans Initiative, currently under debate in Parliament.

The consortium, Space Homes for Incessant Troublemakers (S.H.I.T.), plan to use the platform to transport anti-social families into orbit as fears that earth-bound facilities would lead to inter-breeding and hooligan solidarity.

However many local angry residents and elderly have conveyed dismay at yet more talk and no action.

“Wirral Council are a complete failure when it comes to tackling ASBO’s," spat Doug Coldplay, leader of local moaners' committee, No to Brekinhead's Anti-Social Space Station (NOBASSS). "Blasting errant youth into space won't solve the problem. It just creates fear amongst a people already divided by the evil forces that control the puppetmasters lurking deep within Merseyside's satanic elite". He punctuated his statement by tapping both index and middle finger of his right hand against the right side of his substantial nose.

>Wirral Groan Extra - How it works

A forum on Crimlift’s website debated whether the proposal was legal, infringing as it does the inalienable civil rights of human beings.

One message, from an enraged ASBOY from the North End, promised retaliation if his family were forced to move from their steel-shuttered semi. “You can tell Frank Soil that if him and his mob want to ship us off to space we will enlist inter-planetary mercenaries from all over the galaxy to remove him and his cabal from Earth, thereby upsetting the delicate balance of power used by the Labour council to keep the masses enslaved on Merseyside.”

Another message was in favour of the scheme. “For years now, scum from Rock Ferry have been destroying the neighbourhood with their savage dogs, minging slags and unwanted syringes but now we can rid ourselves of them for ever or at least until their oxygen gives out.”

We rang Frank Soil at his office in the House of Commons yesterday to ask him for a comment but his secretary said his craft was on the far side of the moon and would not be in radio communication until after Coronation St.

SOCCER WIVES RUSH TO SIGN TOTS FOR POSH REHAB

2008-12-16T23:37:00.000Z

FIT FOOTBALLER WIVES TALKING ABOUT DRUGS

A new, Priory-style rehabilitation clinic is to be built on the site of the old Scout buildings in lower Neswall due to a petition signed by the wealthy parents.

The petition, plus the publication of a recent survey, have led local councillors to re-evaluate the proposal in favor of the scheme which will provide first class treatment to clients addicted to drugs and alcohol.

One parent, who declined to be named because of her marriage to a footballer, said she had signed the petition because the nearest rehab was over 5 miles away in Bromborough. “Although my son is only three, I still believe they’re never too young to give them the best,” smiled Mrs. Court-Swallowing from the palatial extension of her beautiful 14-bedroom mansion in Neswall’s exclusive Footie Fortress. “That’s why my husband and I have signed him up for the clinic now so as to prevent any delays in admission when he’s a teenager.”

Many others feel that the clinic’s presence in the area may also be beneficial to the local economy. Njërd Assfatgrabber, who played a blinder in last month’s semi-final against Bromborough Galaxico, welcomes the notoriety the clinic’s celebrity clientele brings with it.

“We already have enough people to create our own Rich Republic here in Lower Neswall,” he said from the bucket seat of his lovingly-preserved 1925 Hispano-Suiza. “With a few rock stars drying out about the place we can start raking in the tourist cash with guided tours.”

However, opinion was divided between other residents who fear their children will not be able to afford the expensive treatment afforded by the clinic. Mrs Comdot, of Yertew Close, Neswall, wept yesterday as the builders moved onto the site. “My son, Verbal, has been addicted to crystal brek for three years.” she moaned. “The clinic is charging £3000 a week with designer medicines, such as Versace’s Methadonatella range, at £500 a litre!”

Wirral Groan have obtained exclusive blueprints of the new building. They look great.

GLOBE DENIES LINK TO FAECIST GROUP

2008-12-16T23:10:00.000Z

"I had written a number of letters for them in the past, mostly concerning the local Grifter-Chopper wars but when they asked me to write for them regularly, I was shocked.'" 'H'

The Wirral Groan reveals today the sordid truth surrounding the false letters scandal that is set to rock Merseyside, with local newspaper editors denying their part in the crisis.

The Wirral Globe today dismissed claims of 'mail-rigging' and refuted rumours of a so-called 'mole' who blew the whistle on them and their rivals, the Wirral News, this week. However, the crusading journalists at the Wirral Groan have uncovered the facts and are ready to back them up with the documents the paper believed to be secret.

During an ongoing investigation thought to have been inspired by the proliferation of 'dog dirt' letters in the local press, journalist Pierce Acetate discovered the whereabouts of a man known simply as 'Henry III', who told him that he had been writing outraged 'poo' letters for the Wirral Globe and Wallasey News since 1973. He showed our reporter hundreds of letters, many of them outrageously similar, to back up his claim.

"At that time, there was never enough letters to fill a page," said 'H' through a voice distortion beak last week. "So they contacted me. I had written a number of letters for them in the past, mostly concerning the local Grifter-Chopper wars but when they asked me to write for them regularly, I was shocked."

'H' continued to write for them for another three decades and has only broken his silence now because of other allegations that have been made and also because they have sacked him.

"They get their letters from an online 'dog dirtabase', where dog faecist organisations meet to chat about their experiences with 'street bagels''', he blurted indiscreetly across the bar of the Fudge Muppet in Seacombe's exclusive Aquarium district where he works as a part-time bar bender. 'They've no use for me now."

Others in the Wirral have come forward to share their own views in the light of the recent revelations. Mrs. C. Cum, of Bell End Terrace, Rock Ferry, also spotted something suspicious several months ago.

"I kept writing them a number of letters regarding a series of Hannibal Lecter-style killings in our neighbourhood," said the deflated mum of twelve from the comforting warmth of the local launderette. "But no matter how many people were slaughtered, the paper just ran months of dog dirt letters, many of them exactly the same, over and over again."

As if to prove her point, she brandished a copy of this week's Globe, indicating the letters page. "Three 'doggy dollop' letters! And wasn't this a record week for the number of pensioners flattened on Rowson St.? It all seems a little suspicious to me." Yami Qaju, also a regular contributor to the paper, believes sinister organisations who control world events from behind the scenes since the birth of civilisation are to blame.

"Dem a ras an' ting, bredder, d'ya get me?" said Qaju, 45 from his flat window overlooking Bargain Booze yesterday. "Me reckon poo fetishists have taken over Wirral News via the internet with a view to massaging the job figures on Merseyside. Top Job Nazis have merged with secret poo-loving cults to create a new wave of 'pooper scoopers', thereby reducing benefit claims by up to a third and bringing about a New World Order, based in Bebington."

We phoned up the Globe and asked them wether they'd like to respond to the allegations put forward by readers and contributors but they were all at a 'long lunch'.

Holy Grail found on Wirral?

2008-12-16T22:00:00.000Z

Archeology buffs have been flocking to the Wirral as rumors of the location of the Holy Grail flood internet chat rooms and blogs.

Images surfaced Monday night on the popular social networking site Fistbook which claims to show the first signs of what could be the find of the millennium. Local Masons descended on the secret location located in Nebbington’s fashionable golfing quarter, in order to verify the find.

“This find could mean the security of Wirral development proposals for the next three millennia,” said Flogg Harshly, Grand Master of the Nebbington Lodge, from the window of his chauffeur-driven X-type Jaguar.

World leaders demanded restraint last night, calling on Wirral council to take drastic measures in order to secure the find for global religious and elderly groups.

“If this is the Grail, then it will ensure future employment for up to 7 people”, said Gary Forks, Wirral council leader. “I’d like to see these protestors faces when I open the Grail box from the balcony of the town hall next Wednesday” he added in a German accent.

Groan staff tried to contact veteran Welsh archeologist, Prestatyn Jones, who originally posted the image on his Fistbook profile. Mr. Jones was unavailable for comment and has not been seen online or at his local tanning salon since the discovery was first made public.

A spokesperson for Wirral’s cardboard police unit said they were taking measures to secure the site, but crumpled when questioned about shadowy new world order links to the disappearance of Mr Jones.

Have you seen the Holy Grail? Have your local elderly suddenly gained a new lease of ever-lasting life? Contact the Wirral Groan today.

New Shitharg Movie out this week!

2008-12-16T16:58:00.001Z

(click on pic to enlarge)

After being nominated in practically every category in last week's Lower Nebbington Action, Horror and Sc-Fi mini-festival and winning the 'Best Use of Nunchakus in a Love Scene' award, Captain Shitharg's EU-funded action thriller 'Tug Hard' finally hits the multiplexes this week. Be sure to order your DVD or download it from our site with a virus of your inadvertent choice.

Mega Council Sale Starts Boxing Day!

2008-12-16T15:00:00.000Z

Click for bigger image

Police cut-out scheme to be extended

2008-12-16T11:01:00.001Z

By our crime correspondent Lance Boil

Controversial plans to replace Wirral’s police force with cardboard cut-outs have been deemed a massive success by local moaners and police today.

Crime rates across the borough have been slashed by up to 0.12% as over 600 life-sized cut-outs were placed at strategic locations across Wirral.

However, the increased presence of cardboard police have seen many criminals fold in their quest for control of Wirral’s roughest streets.

“Our community cardboard liaison officers have made several high-profile arrests,” exclaimed Sergeant Will Spray of Merseyside Police. “We’ve taken eight box cutters and two staplers off the streets since this operation started, something we can all say will make Wirral a safer place” he added.

Local human rights groups are not impressed. “Police brutality has increased since the operation started with one elderly lady receiving several deep paper cuts as one officer fell on her” said Shaka Khant, of the New Brighton-based human rights watchdogs, ‘Residents Against Police Enforcement Directives’ (RAPED).

Council leaders were so impressed by ‘Operation Roach’ that they have decided to extend the scheme to all chamber members.

“Due to the current animosity of locals towards their elected leaders, we have decided to install a series of life-sized cut-outs who will represent the council at the forthcoming forum meetings,” said Gary Forks, Labour council leader.

Cardboard police officers will be installed at all Wirral police stations from March 2009 with cardboard patrol cars stepping up activities around Deeside’s Shotton Paper mill.

Catholic kids blow for success

2008-12-16T10:17:00.000Z

Child stars from ‘Gone with the Wind farm’

By our crime correspondent Lance Boil

Pupils from St Peter and St Paul’s catholic school were recovering last night after being ambushed by anti-wind farm protestors, amidst what Merseyside police described as 'turbulent scenes'.

Angry protest group, Grans Against Polluted Environments (GAPE), disrupted the opening night of ‘Gone with the Wind Farm’, an environmentally-concerned play written and performed by New Brighton schoolchildren to heighten awareness of wind farm technology and global environmental armeggedons.

Up to 17 protestors were arrested at the scene for public order offences and one for public indecency as the protest group, armed with hairdryers and Chinese fans, destroyed costumes and hair styling with massive outbursts of wind.

“Our actions highlights the dangers of wind,” said GAPE regional organizer Gale Miller. “It is sick that the Catholic Church is exploiting our school children to propagate government lies regarding wind farm technology. Our digital espionage team has uncovered plans to turn Wirral into the biggest wind farm on Earth. The council plans to sell the energy created to Herberts' to power his proposed open-air steam baths development.”

“I was totally caught with my tunic up” says Father Don Brasco. “I was just backstage with one of the boys when the commotion started. All hell broke loose” he preached.

As shocked parents grappled with protestors one mother, who refused to be named, said that she wasn’t surprised at the action.

“We’ve heard rumors that the council wants to turn St Peter and St Paul’s into a central processing center for wind farm scientists. This area has had enough scientist. We don’t need outsiders coming in stealing our research grants” she bellowed.

GAPE members stormed into trouble earlier this year when six of their members scaled the 200 foot tall windmill, located on top of the old Bargain Tans Salon in Foilake village.

Merseyside police refused to comment on the action last night only saying that an investigation into the event may start as soon as January 2010.

Embed with Claire Sweeney

2008-12-16T09:36:00.000Z

by our war correspondent Pat Riotact

The Wirral Groan scooped all of its rivals this week when it dispatched its latest embedded journalist to cover the war in Afghanistan.

Nonplussed squaddies gasped in practically-controlled arousal when celebrity Claire Sweeney rode into their midst on Tuesday. For Claire, 53, it was like a homecoming. She was embed with the Cheshires in Iraq in 2002 and again repeatedly during the Kosovo war.

This time though, Claire will not be singing for the men of the regiment. Instead, she will be writing a weekly column for the Wirral Groan, detailing the daily lives of Wirral soldiers.

Claire, who has just returned from a singing tour of Guantanamo Bay, is delighted to be back in the thick of it. 'Am buzzen', she claimed from the safety of a security zone today. 'The lads have welcomed me back with open arms'.

Claire, 23, is due to go on maneuvers with the Cheshires and hopes to see some action while she's with the regiment once she's finished recording her new single, 'Nips on Fire', with fellow ex-Brookside superstar Jennifer Ellison. 'Its a follow-up to me last single, Hips of Steel, which was about me mum's operation. It didn't sell many copies but the lads in Guantanamo seemed to love it. They played it 437 times a day!'

Claire, 15, is currently appearing in Tits in Boots at the Floral Pavilion.

Angry mob confront protestor

2008-12-11T16:15:00.000Z

A protestor was arrested last night amid angry scenes at Seacombe Town Hall, as councilors discussed the forthcoming leisure cuts in an emergency meeting.

Merseyside police deployed its 200-strong ‘mop-up’ squad to deal with the 1-strong riot, which broke out last night, and continued for at least 3 minutes. “Last night took valuable resources away from Birkenhead’s fashionable Latin quarter. “ Said community development Sergeant, Will Spray.

The angry protestor, Dave Krust, was arrested for a public disorder offence, when he refused to remove his dreadlocks when asked.

Angry Hurst shouted “no more cuts” as he was led away by police to an awaiting ice cream van.

Council leaders refused to comment on the incident as they left the council meeting via private helicopter, supplied by Neptune Developments Inc.

Local area forums are due to start in the new year, when residents will be asked their opinions of the closures, after the land has already been sold.

Newbodome Construction Steams Ahead.

2008-12-11T13:52:00.000Z

Newbodome's expansion reaches Birkenhead docks this weekend.

by our architectural correspondent Wade Bridge

Residents of Wirral's Unemployment Corridor awoke this morning without the sunlight they're accustomed to pouring through their windows.

For, in just three days, Neptune developments Newbodome has reached the Egremont border with up to 150sq. miles now completed.

The staggering achievement has been made possible with radical, bleeding-edge nano-technology leading the way forward. Architect, Keith Czegwind, of Neptune Developments, explained to the Groan exactly how the dome has broken records for building construction.

'With massive investment from a generous but sinister force lurking deep within the dark societies at the heart of the New World Order, we've been able to employ methods previously thought financially untenable,' said Keith from NP's luxurious riverside offices in Seacombe. 'By using tiny nanobots to knit the web-like surface of the dome's unique roofing fabric, we should be on schedule to completely cover Rock Ferry by next Wednesday.'

The Wirral Groan attempted to interview a member of the team of nanobots currently working on the dome, but they were too small.

Are you affected by the Newbodome? Have your say in the Wirral Groan's lively letters page.

Wirral hosts NEET summit

2008-12-11T13:38:00.001Z

Wirral NEET’s arriving at Floral Pavilion for two day seminar

NEET’s (not in education, employment or training) have been flocking to the Floral Pavilion this week, as Wirral hosts the very first national NEET summit, in a desperate bid to massage unemployment figures.

Hosted by famed American hypnotherapist, Dr. Ormond McGill, the two day seminar will see many of Wirral’s out-of-control young unemployed ‘hypnotized’ back into work.

The tab for the two day event is being picked up by Wirral councils flagship Department for Behavioral Educational Correction, at the estimated cost of 28 million Zimbabwean dollars.

New Brighton locals are slightly annoyed at not being consulted about the event, which has seen over 20,000 NEET’s bused in from as far away as Nebbington and Foilake. “It’s been a bloody nightmare” said one angry local, who requested not to be named, over a stewed brew at the Sea Side café. “You can’t walk the prom for yokkers or brek ends” he added.

“This is just another example of One Stop Wirral” said Betty Fords, 98, New Brighton youth liaison officer. “We thought the Floral Pavilion would be for entertainment, but the council’s real aims are to turn it into an underwater library and migrant worker processing centre. We’ve seen plans to create an ‘Xfactor’ style show using NEET’s to remove jobless from the unemployment figures”.

As the event winds up to a close, Dr McGill is promising drastic results. “Our seminars have proved very successful with US Homeland security in convincing illegal aliens they should return to their countries of origin”. I’m sure two days of my seminar will ensure these NEET’s promptly sign off from JSA or your money back”.

A police spokesperson added that during the seminar incidents of anti-social behavior was drastically reduced by 0.5% across the borough.

Newbodome Project is given Thumbs Up

2008-12-10T13:01:00.000Z

by our architectural correspondent Wade Bridge

Neptune Developments have finally been given the go-ahead to develop their flagship project today.

One-Stop Wirral, the name given to ND's grand scheme, was greeted with enthusiasm by both Masons and Wirraliens alike. Local residents are hopeful that the new project will attract skilled builders and labourers from outside the area and provide up to 12 jobs during peak summer periods.

The plan is to turn the Wirral into a gigantic one-stop shop, where the nations' unemployed can go to claim tax, housing and unemployment benefits, all under one enormous dome.

Work has begun on the £386 billion project with the infrastructure already beginning to take shape along the shore front at Harrison Drive. Earlier in the week, pensioners and the local unemployed were given a screening of a film which showed how the dome would cover the peninsula from the Dee estuary to the Mersey and from New Brighton to Ellesmere Port.

Rob Taxpayer, spokesperson for Neptune, attempted to preemptively assure moaners' associations that the cost would be justified. 'The project isn't due to start until Neptune turn the Wirral into a republic in 2013', projected Rob, indicating his secretary's PowerPoint spreadsheet.'By the time it's finished in 2130, a cup of tea will cost £256,000 so the savings will be enormous!'

Features of the Dome will include a giant Morrison's which will house the 40,000-seat Housing Benefit Office, an underwater library and a over-60's skate park with wheelchair access.

Critics of the Newbodome project have pointed out certain environmental disasters that may occur due to flaws in the planning stages. Hildred Shed, 87, of protest group Grans Against Greenhouse Gases In Nature's Garden (GAGGING) say her group's members are worried about the impact the dome may have on the delicate ecological balance of Wirral's natural beauty spots. 'Many of our elderly activists grow plants', said Hildred. 'With sunlight reduced to practically zero throughout the year, many of their plants will die and pensioners will have to survive solely on their benefits'.

Sources close to Neptune Development informed the Groan that a agreement had been reached with a secret cabal of global industrialists and bankers and that a staggering 50 square miles covering most of Wallasey Village and New Brighton had already been completed (see picture).

Police reports that Claire Sweeney is due to open the first stage of Newbodome have proved false.

Wirral Girl Group to Launch World Tour

2008-12-08T12:57:00.000Z

By out showbiz correspondent Neil Spredham

Girls Akimbo, the latest girl group to come out of the Wirral, announced plans to launch their world tour this week.

Band members, Little Joy, Hope, Mareeeshah and Prentonella spoke to the Wirral Groan, shortly after winding up rehearsals at their plush riverside studios in Neswall.

WG: You must be very excited about your tour?

Joy: Yeah, we're buzzen.

Mareeeshah: It's all gone mental since they saw me spread in the Wirral Groan last month.

Prentonella: Me ma's made up for us. I told me dad about the tour and he's going to try and get parole so he can see us!

WG: What about the critics who say you're music is just contrived and superficial?

Hope: That's wicked! I thought they didn't like us!

WG: Didn't the sudden death of all four members of your stablemates' group, 2Chix/2Dix, enable you to take their place on the tour?

Joy: Its' a wide-open opportunity for us.

Hope: Yeah, we're gagging for a chance to show off what we've got down south.

Mareeeshah: And lots of our male fans want to see us down under, too.

WG: You have fans in Australia?

Girls Akimbo: Yer wha?

Tour dates:
Jan 09, Floral Pavilion.
February 10, Elderlies, Liscard.
February 29, Deeside Leisure Centre (if still open)

Further dates to be announced.

2008-12-08T11:15:00.000Z

(click on image for larger version)

B'head Library Sold

2008-12-05T15:36:00.000Z

by our architectural correspondent Wade Bridge

Birkenhead was top of the league in the architectural style charts when a bold and colourful addition to Wirral's proud historical heritage was unveiled this afternoon.

Behind closed doors, one of the North West's most secretive entrepreneurs has turned the soon-to-be-closed library into a tanning and beauty salon. Angry staff are threatening to prosecute Wirral Council unless towels and other tanning equipment have been removed from the historic premises.

'It's impossible to work here, now,' droned unmarried librarian, Sue Drear, from behind the crack in her deliberately unattractive eye wear today. 'The steam from the sauna is ruining the pages of the book and there's a gushing sound coming from the Romance section'.

Dark forces at the head of the shadowy elite lurking within the secret cabals that control the New World Order have threatened retribution unless Wirral councillors come up with a strategic plan to cut services by 150%.

In desperation, MPs, despite recent current protests by groups such as Grans Against Government (GAG), have cleared the way for profit-hungry foreign businessmen such as Vladimir Sitovsky, a Belorussian billionaire who owns a string of clubs, football clubs and tanning salons, of which Bargain Tans is one.

We attempted to contact Mr. Sitovsky but he is at present scuba-diving in the Maldives at levels where water pressure can interfere with incoming email, even Bill Gates'.

Bargain Tans offer a unique £12.99 Lifetime Tan Special. For less than the cost of a night out at Peggy's, you can be tanned for life!

Gimme Shelter: Friday's Neptune Proposal

2008-12-05T15:07:00.000Z

by our architectural correspondent Wade Bridge

Next in line for Neptune Developments' continuing proposals for the re-gentrification of New Brighton's historic sea-front is this radical new design for the old shelters which form part of the ailing resorts' amenities.

Neptune spokesperson, Rob Taxpayer, announced the proposals at a sumptuous secret ceremony of the town's Masonic Lodge at the weekend during which teenage boys were flogged along with several of Birkenhead's heritage sites.

'This is yet another prong in our multi-forked strategy to civilise the puritanical and backward society Wirral has become,' said Rob over a quail. 'With our new utilitarian architecture, we aim to achieve a conceptual continuity between the resort and other out-of-town facilities, such as Argos or Iceland.'

Christmas plunged into chaos as Santas strike

2008-12-05T14:18:00.001Z

By our crime correspondent Lance Boil

Angry Santa Unions today held protest across the Wirral, closing down the A45 fly over intersection for almost 20 minutes, in their latest stunt to safeguard pending job losses.

Wirral’s Santa Unions are up in arms over recent claims that the group Santas Against Deductions (SAD) were discriminating against the floods of Eastern European Saint Nicolas’, who have flocked to the borough in recent months in search of work.

Merseyside police escorted the protest, requiring 100 police officers, two helicopters, 28 tasers and 50 litres of CS spray, to contain the 17 strong crowd.

“I’ve never seen anything like it” screamed one angry commuter from his twin-spark red Alfa Romeo. “I’m never going to get this Kidney to Arrow Park in time now” he yelled.

Eastern European actors and performing midgets are currently being held at an undisclosed location, near Burton woods. SAD are demanding the closure of this holding camp, in what is being dubbed as ‘little Prague’ by locals. In a statement issued by SAD they claim “many people will think [the camp] is a big ‘Grotto Land’. This puts British jobs at risk at a time when holding onto your career is as hard as emptying your sack in a oner”.

Police made two arrests during the protest for minor offences and have added the names to their naughty list

VD Sports in staff award

2008-12-05T13:21:00.000Z

Winning Zachary (right) with VDSports chairman Nick Tings (left)

Wirral based VD Sports today announced it is honoring its longest serving staff member.

Zachary Lacosty first started working at the very first branch of VD Sports back in 1952. Back then, the business started by selling imported leisure wear, confiscated from the Third Reich by allied forces, out of the back of a cart on Discard road. Today VD Sports are one of the biggest suppliers of genetically modified leisure wear in the Wirral and maybe the world.

Mr. Lacosty, a junior sales assistant, says he has never taken a day off in almost 60 years of service. “The staff discount is great, I’ve got every color variation of Addidas there is. Me mates hate me” said Mr Lacosty from the flashy Liscard showcase store. “I’m honored to get this award and hope it means I can now get above the minimum wage. But I understand times are hard right now, what with the economic downturn, locals are back to wearing only one tracksuit a fortnight.”

However, VD Sports chairman and founder, Nick Tings, remains optimistic. “With the credit crunch comes the need for comfortable and relaxing clothing. We are very proud of all of Zachary’s achievements and we are pleased to honor him with this limited edition gold threaded one piece suit”.

Wirral MP Arrested in Dawn Raid

2008-12-05T11:49:00.000Z

>by our political correspondent Peregrine Falcone
Wirral Vice Squad detectives uncovered more than they bargained for when they raided one of the region's most notorious sex clubs last night.

Of the 23 men arrested for lewd behaviour, one is believed to be West Brighton MP, Shankly Hacker. Hacker, 36, whose upcoming trial for alleged mis-realignment of public funds starts next Friday, will appear at Wirral Magistrates Court tomorrow morning, charged with lascivious conduct with a miner.

Detectives from the Vice Squad were jubilant yesterday but warned the public that successful police operations like this were a thing of the past. 'We do our best with limited resources', said Det. Saddam Chernobyl after Hacker's arrest. 'But a result like this is becoming less and less commonplace and we, as a police, become frustrated that we can't do more to protect the public'.

4am Thursday 4th December.
Detectives wielding battering rams burst through the doors of a house in a quiet part of Nebbington, Wirral, to find 37 men and one woman committing bukkake while, in several rooms around the five-bedroom, detached property, officers arrested couples engaging in acts too gynecological to mention in a family newspaper. A number of the men escaped and, despite a police search lasting nine hours, none were found on the premises.

Shankly Hacker was a schoolboy soccer star whose signing with the Queens Arms Dynamo jettisoned the squad into the 1st Division of the West Liscard Sunday League in 1996.

After a trial with the Royal Oak went disastrously tragic, he was offered a post as a trainee sound engineer at Neptunes, Liscard's top music store, before trying his hand at politics three years ago.

He joined Wirral Council shortly afterward and, in 2006, Hacker became Mason of the Year, one week after joining the Grand Imperial Lodge of New Ferry.

However, six months later, his acquisition of 200 acres of Unemployment Corridor left him almost bankrupt. He bounced back briefly when, in 2007, he was awarded Special Proposals Officer for Neptune Developments and became engaged to girlfriend Mareeeshah out of Girls Akimbo but Hacker has since been named in the recent scandals involving missing tax payers' money and off-shore cod fishery investment.

Hacker's tireless campaigning for needle exchanges in all his constituency's dogging parks brought him to the political forefront and made him many enemies, some of whom will be tonight enjoying a quiet chuckle at the thought of this arrest and his current problems as a whole.

Girls Akimbo turn Birkenhead on

2008-12-05T10:59:00.000Z

Wirral dignitary and celebrities gathered in Birkenhead’s luxury shopping street to celebrate the switching on of the Christmas lights.

Locals, many of them elderly, took on the arctic temperatures for a glimpse of Merseyside’s girl band sensation, Girls Akimbo. The crowd rejoiced as the girl band members flicked the big red switch, and turned the town on.

Due to budget cut backs at Wirral council this season a deal was done with local food stores, QuickTake, who have sponsored the festive carbon emission bonanza.

“We couldn’t let Birkenhead go dull this Christmas” said ecstatic Vladimir Crackovski, QuickTake marketing and eastern European business development manager. “Girls Akimbo are very wide spread in my country, I’m so happy we could facilitate them” he added.

Ten’s of locals endured freezing rain and wind, many of them joining the crowds from as far afield as Neston. “We’ve driven down from Little Neston tonight to see the Girls. We love Girls Akimbo and this way it doesn’t affect my ASBO conditions” said one happy middle aged fan that declined to give his name.

The switch flicking was followed by performances from Girls Akimbo supported by dancers from Wirral Grammar girl’s school.

Merseyside police said the event went off without arrest but were seeking the where-a-bouts of a 6 foot inflatable mule, taken from the bouncy castle nativity scene.

Birkenhead MP sails into choppy waters

2008-12-04T13:54:00.000Z

Guinea Gap regulars forced to swim at Marine lake as council cut backs set in

Veteran Birkenhead MP, Frank Soil, has told angry pensioners to go ‘swim in the Mersey’ in the latest row over Wirral Council leisure funding cuts.

Angry Frank, 103, said in a letter to the Wirral Groan today that “budget cuts were necessary to ensure council leaders can make repayments to shadowy new world order types.”

“I’ve been representing this area since 1867. Back then we didn’t have books and communal bath houses. If we fancied a dip we’d have to hike 50 miles to an abandoned quarry in Deeside” said Speedo Classic-clad Soil from the steps of the Marine Lake. “Merseymud is an excellent defoliant also. Rich people would pay good money for this! We’ve been giving it away free for decades and this is the thanks we get” added Frank, as he plunged into the murky depths.

Protest groups have gathered pace, with members of the social networking website Fistbook leading the way. Over 1000 members of the site have signed an online petition to see Mr Soil and his colleagues at Wirral council get a good ducking in the deep end.

“Frank can flipper off” raged one irate poster. “No bombing!” spat another in what is proving to be a lively online debate.

Fistbook members have organized a protest due to take place as Mr Soil is giving a key note speech to developers on Anti-Social Containment architecture next Wednesday.

Jobless to face Voight-Kampf tests

2008-12-04T12:25:00.001Z

By our social affairs correspondent Myra Hingly

A new Job Seekers allowance application in process

Wirral’s jobless are to face new stringent Voight-Kampf tests, developed by US Homeland Security, in a desperate bid to reduce unemployment figures.

The new system, which analyses fluctuation of the pupil and involuntary dilation of the iris, can detect benefit cheats within a matter of hours.

Controversy surrounds the new technology with unions fearing possible redundancies among job-realignment officers in the region and the planet as a whole.

Birkenhead MP, Frank Soil, feels differently. “These new machines will ensure we keep unemployment figures to a minimum and slash the amount of benefit payments. If people are working more than 20 minutes a week, including household chores and cooking, then they are obviously fit for work”.

Lazy jobless face a ‘one strike and you’re out’ policy, which many fear will affect their high scores on Guitar Hero.

New, New Neptune Developments Development Set to Go-Ahead

2008-12-03T15:16:00.000Z

by our architectural correspondent Wade Bridge

Massive gasps of awed admiration were involuntarily drawn from impressed onlookers last Tuesday when Neptune Developments unveiled their latest proposals for New Brighton, the thirteenth so far this week.

Neptune, whose Lisa Tarbuck AIDS clinic was forced into liquidation last month, say that their new project plans to dwarf those of the clinic and would put the ailing seaside resort back on the map.

Rob Taxpayer, Neptune's head honcho and spokeperson for the group, was hopeful of a timely go-ahead for the project. 'The clever lad in the computer room has come up with a model that will stun tetchy residents into silence this time', said a confident Rob at a press conference at the New Brighton Community centre today. 'The new Ken Dodd off-coast development will put even the most elderly and hesitant of minds at rest.'

The project, a network of man-made islands constructed in the shape of the ancient comedian's head, will spread out over the Mersey estuary and almost meet Liverpool's coastline on the other side. On each of the islands, living accommodation for over 2000 homeless Muslims will be built along with outreach facilities for travellers and disadvantaged Afro-Caribbean youths. The project is hoped to be completed within 30 years at a cost of up to £365 million.

However, many New Brighton residents were skeptical of the new developments, citing major flaws in the proposals. Jean-Claude van Seagal (real name withheld), 91, ranted that: 'I remember back in 1922 when Neptune first proposed an airship docking tower on Seabank Rd. Nothing has changed.'

Another concerned resident, Mrs. Felicity Upshorts, 103, moaned that many of her age group would be marginalised by the project. 'The construction jobs will go to building companies outside of the area. People my age will be left out in the cold.'

'Its a con,' dribbled ex-combine harvester replacement spares consultant, Hurt Witherspoon as he perused the model peninsula. 'They plan to make the central island from parts left over from their Doddyworld proposal of 1944!'

Ken Dodd, 123, was pleased with the computer mock-up and promised to declare the islands open, if still alive.

Rumours that the government, driven to extreme measures by shadowy forces within the global elite, will destroy the islands once populated, have been proven false by Merseyside police.

Radio DJ Plumbs the Depths

2008-12-03T12:40:00.000Z

Merseyside celebrity and Radio CMN disc jockey, Pete Pric (pictured) grabbing a couple of lengths at soon-to-be-closed Guinea Gap Baths.

Pete, 87, said: 'I fully support the residents of Seacombe and the Unemployment Corridor in their fight to protect services in the Wirral. I've spent many years of my life paddling in the shallow end and I enjoy swimming, too.'

Pete Pric is currently appearing alongside Ken Dodd and Capt. Steve Shitharg in Prats of the Caribbean, at the Floral Pavilion. Half price for the elderly and/or deranged.

Police launch festive drinking binge

2008-12-03T09:45:00.001Z

By our crime correspondent Lance Boil

Merseyside Police have been bingeing on drink drivers in their latest publicity stunt to promote awareness of police activity this Christmas.

Concerns amongst cash-strapped publicans that the police are using heavy methods have gone unheeded by local authorities and anti-binge, drink-driving campaigners.

“We take a zero tolerance approach to binge drink-driving. Anyone caught will be placed inside an over-sized pint glass and made to stay there till boxing day” said Merseyside Chief Inspector, Jawn Diss, from the back room of Peggy Gadfly’s.

Merseyside police have secured 60 over-sized pint glasses with the help of European funding which they hope to keep filled with hungover motorists until January 5th.

Wirral 'brick artist' wins Art Prize

2008-12-03T09:03:00.000Z

By culture correspondent Phil Istine

Birkenhead artist, Rob Meter, has become the first Wirralien to win the Turner Prize with his life-size installations of OAP’s made from LEGO.

Barmy Rob, a controversial figure on the Birkenhead cultural scene, was in London to accept the £20,000 prize. “It’s buzzin, like, but I hope me work placement integration officer isn’t watching this. I can’t imagine job Nazi’s watching Channel 4? Corries on right now.”

Rob Meter shocked the art world with a series of life-sized figures, made out of abandoned LEGO he found washed up alongside the Wirral coastline. “It took me three years to find the last piece. That 2 by 8 yellow brick was a crusade, but it was well worth it.”

His winning piece, entitled, ‘Amy Winehouse enjoys a day at the beach’, impressed the judges as a piece of ‘neo-popism’.

“Rob Meter is the black sheep of the art world. There is nothing better than awarding the prize to these unemployed, untalented and, more importantly, obnoxious young artists. It really pisses the Stuckists off!”, said Damien Burst, one of this year's Turner Prize jurors.

Meter’s creation will stay on exhibition at the Tate Modern in London until next year when he plans to take them on a massive tour of Wirral.

A police spokesman said an investigation into a series of ram raids at Toys-R-Us has revealed no connection.

Ping-Poong Raises a Stink at Liscard Sports Day

2008-12-01T12:03:00.000Z

by our sports correspondent Lee Purdles

A local moaners association caused mayhem at the weekend when they gatecrashed a local school's sports day.

Grans Against Excrement or GAE, have claimed responsibility for the attack and barricaded themselves into the sports hall, refusing to surrender until their demands have been met.

The chaos began shortly after the second heat of the under-12 inter-Wirral Table Tennis tournament when members of the group managed to substitute the ball for a large dollop of dog excrement. The two boys managed to rally the turd a startling 200 times before the crowd and the ball evaporated completely.

Elderly members of GAE then rushed onto the court in bio-hazard suits and burned an effigy of Gordon Brown's dog, Formby, before arming themselves with cricket stumps and warding off police.

GAE are a group dedicated to the removal of all canine species from the Wirral. They have been accused of several acts of sabotage, once cementing up the anuses of several winners at Crufts two years ago and disembowelling Paddy Ashdown's dog, Rambles, on Hampstead Heath last March in retaliation for the repeal of dog fouling fines for the under 60's.

Organisers are keen to launch an enquiry, possibly as soon as late 2014.

Wirral Cops Get Lethal Tasers

2008-11-30T15:29:00.000Z

by our ordnance reporter Lance Boil

The government has vowed to have all Wirral police armed with tasers by 2010, it was revealed yesterday.

Wirral Met met with ministers last week to discuss the training schedule for the new weapons. Their use in the USA has been a resounding success with only 300 deaths since they were first used in the US and Canada.

The move was welcomed by the Association of Chief Police Officers (Acpo), which said trials showed that, in the majority of cases, tasers helped police resolve incidents without resorting to diplomacy. 'Most of the time, tasers work well in bringing street justice to troublesome individuals,' spoke CPO spokesman, Rhys Tater, from the tinted window of his £4000-a-year luxury Jaguar convertible last Sunday. 'The rest of the time a small minority, mostly asthmatics, people with heart problems or innocent passers-by, tend to get cut in half by the weapon. We're issuing the slightly smaller version which should reduce the death rate to a more PR-friendly 20%'.

Opponents of the weapon voiced their concerns that friendly fire was to be expected, especially when the lasers are in the hands of Wirral's notoriously ill-trained, under-paid, fun-loving, teenaged police officers. 'There are fears in the community that the police won't just use their tasers on scallies and no-marks', said veteran moaner, Rory Lions. 'Pensioners are especially worried that being tased might interfere with their pacemakers and, more problematically, their benefits'.

When asked, Wirral Met's spokesman revealed that he was planning to 'set mine to stun'.
Tasers supplied by Jedi Solutions, Runcorn.

Ken Dodd Artist Revealed!

2008-11-30T11:10:00.000Z

by our culture correspondent, Jess Tickulate

Art fans and humanitarian agencies remain resolutely stunned today as news broke this weekend of the true identity of the artist behind the notorious 'Doddy' portrait.

Our secret sources within Wirral's close-knit art community leaked the shocking facts on Saturday, just weeks after the portrait was exhibited at the Floral Pavilion, rumoured to be the painting's permanent home.

Ex-tungsten carbide drill-bit engineer, Fosworth Fingerfuvk, 19, told the Groan last Friday to expect a huge uproar some time this week. 'There's been rumours for weeks,' he told me over a tuna. 'The Wirral art community and humanity as a whole has been duped. The painting was done by a foreigner.' Indeed, as news broke on Tuesday, it seems our secret source was correct.

Rueters published shocking pictures of a child in nearby Indonesia who was painting reproductions of the ancient comedian at the alarming rate of 400 an hour. Along with 200 of his fellow artists, Sum Yung Kid, 8, is part of a huge child-labour ring specialising in Liverpudlian acts from yesteryear. 'He's very prolific', said his father and employer, Fe Fy Fophum, 18, from the parapet of his luxury home in Neston yesterday. 'He's knocked out over 2000 Stan Boardmans and a quarter of a million Doddies. Hopefully, we are adding a Tom O'Connor triptych next year!'

But Save The Children have other ideas. They see the young artist as part of a huge trade in gifted Third World toddlers, a trade that must be stopped before its too late. Todd Loftlurker, 22, a trained child abuse consultant for the group, fears for the safety of youngsters like Sum. 'They are being exploited,', he fumed from behind a steaming frapaccino at Elderlies in Liscard yesterday. 'And irresponsible entities like Wirral Council are culpable in child deaths caused by Repetitive Stress Injury and other made-up Western 'diseases'', He emphasised his final word by holding up both the index and middle fingers of both hands and bending them, twice.

The Floral Pavilion refused to comment, except to say that they do not condone child labour and would remove any illustrative reproductions created under inappropriate conditions. Job losses are expected to be announced shortly.

Obamania Hits Wirral!

2008-11-28T12:46:00.000Z

By our current affairs correspondent, Ewan M. Bargough

Lunch-time shoppers and jobless men rejoiced when President elect, Barack Obama, visited Merseyside yesterday. In his address to his many supporters at the West Birkenhead African Women's Centre, he thanked them for their tireless campaigning on his behalf in the Prenton and Tranmere districts before collecting donations left since his last visit in 2006.

Wirral Groan journalist and part-time drug rehabilitationist, Falik Lunj, was there to hand over the sum of £400 in Monopoly money and two confiscated credit cards. 'It's a great day,' said Lunj, 77. 'Not only for Africa but for the region as a whole.'

Police say further donations, which have been previously invested in foreign fisheries, have yet to be discovered.

Celebs flock to Wirral film festival

2008-11-27T12:54:00.000Z

By our cultural correspondent Phil Istine

Celebrity stalkers can rejoice as Wirral’s very own Film Festival kicked off this week to much acclaim. Celebrities flocked to the Hotel Swan to strut their stuff on the red carpet, in what is being billed as Merseyside’s rival to the Cannes film festival.

“We’ve got a beach, boats and a lorra prostitution, I can’t see what makes this film festival any different to Cannes” said festival director Lucas George from his 11 foot sail boat moored at Birkenhead’s Woodside.

The film festival will showcase the very best from Wirral film makers, old and new, including the internet film sensation ‘No leccy no worry’ by Neston based director Stefan Peelberg. “It was a shock to get nominated for such an event. It was only through the tens of thousands in funding the drama bites programme from North West Vision spent for me, it made this dream come true”.

Peelbergs drama is a short film which follows the tragic tale of two eastern European chicken giblet workers who find them self in rented accommodation in Deeside.

Other highlights include a short animated film by children from Leasowe primary school and a feature length action thriller based on the memoirs of Ex ferry captain Steven Shitharg.

Council closes Wirral

2008-11-27T10:46:00.001Z

Wirral Borough Council last night announced they are closing the borough due to budget cut backs.

Bankrupt Wirral Council admitted last night that there are plans being drawn up to sell the Wirral to a Chinese state development company. BingBong Investments Inc, the holding company at the centre of this proposal, say demolishing the Wirral will create 12 jobs and ensure ‘Wirrals heritage is safe guarded for future Chinese tourism’.

A statement from the council said “Due to major budget deficits we are proposing to sell the Wirral and all its residents to the highest bidder.”

Shocked Wirral residents are unsure of what this news will mean.

“Agh, Bejesus, these cut backs are a disgrace, Wirraliens will have to go to Liverpool to find work, homes and drug dealers” commented ex New Brighton Labour councilor, Fat Packett, from the upstairs window of his mothers terraced home.

Local community leaders and elderly are in shock over the announcements. Betty Scalhard of Liscard Road is fuming, and its not just her credit crunch busting superkings from Boozebuster which are up in smoke. “We were all worried about cut backs when we heard the news Wirral Council had lost all the council tax money on an Icelandic cod farm investment. We never thought it would come to this though.”

Wirral Council chief executive, Steve Rimming, refused to comment on the cut backs last night. Speeding away from the town hall in his chauffeured gold platted humvie towards his penthouse flat above the new Floral Pavilion.

Panto Mega-stars Back Care Home

2008-11-27T09:25:00.000Z

by our Showbiz correspondent, Neil Spredham

Celebrities were out in force last weekend when top panto stars bequeathed a stunning gift to a local nursing home.

Fans of pantomime stood back in awe at the weekend as stage legends, Ken Dodd, Pete Pric and Cpt. Steve Shitharg, fresh from their yuletide victory at the Floral Pavilion, came backstage to wish well-wishers well.

The three stars, currently appearing in the sell-out panto, Prats of the Caribbean, were dressed to impress when they stepped into the glare of press flashbulbs to donate $50,000 to their favourite Merseyside care facility (Grandry Homes for the Incontinent and Elderly) with Doddy elegant in a blue Armani, Shitharg deadly in a nehru-collared leather jump-suit and Pric, homely in a crimplene two-piece bequeathed to him by the Queen Mother.

Grandry have been in the forefront of care for the elderly since their creation in 1919 and have recently won several awards for their ultra-fast cleaning and feeding machines. Their high profile has led to several celebrity endorsements with Pete Pric just one of many who have signed up with Grandry for their retirement needs.

Ken Dodd is also a fan of the home and claims Ricky Tomlinson now spends most of his time between supermarket opening engagements at the home on the Wirral. 'It's the isolation from the bullshit and hullabaloo of the Merseyside celebrity scene that appeals to me', said Doddy over a pipe backstage on Saturday. 'Ricky Tommo turned me onto the place and now I go there to relax whenever the paparazzi are onto me'.

The cheque, presented here by Wirral Groan editor-in-chief, Michelle Suit, is made up from donations from fans and tax-payers and is to be invested in a profitable cod fisherie in Reykyavik.

Pric, Doddy, Shitharg in Piratical Panto

2008-11-20T20:17:00.000Z

The plaintive wail of an ocean-bound gull screeched overhead as a trio of elderly women made their way out of the restaurant and gamely dodged the splashing waves breeching the gunwhale of the cruise ship.

Mildred Everton, her 5' 4" frame carrying a bulky fleshload, sprinted forward with her Lumix to take a hasty snap before thrusting the camera towards her friend. 'Go 'ead, Myrtle', she bellowed over the sea-roar. 'Take a pic of me with me teeth in!' As Myrtle struggled to comprehend the miniature device, Olive Tranmere screamed and pointed leeward. 'By Jemini,' she yelped, clutching a small iPod, starboard. 'Pirates!'

Sure enough, the mist that had plagued the ship since leaving Liverpool docks had parted and the shadowy shape of a aggressive-looking motor launch populated by leering, sweaty buccaneers hove into view. One, a menacing-looking Somalian bandit with a dislocated eye and several crooked teeth on a necklace, smeared back his eyebrows with a bruised and bloodied paw. 'Avast, me lovelies!' he roared. 'Avast, or I'll board thee!' The women, cowed and awed by the Somalian's brazen and unprovoked attack were just about to divest themselves of garments and belongings when a melancholy harmonica theme drifted sadly through the mist. The pirates paused and attempted to verify the location of the music, squinting ineffectually through the gloomy fog that swelled and eddied around them with little success.

Suddenly, a low growl rose from the deck where the pirates had initially landed and, as one, they turned to face the source of the sound. Gradually, through the drifting clouds, a mesmerising personality belying extreme maritime dissatisfaction emerged, carrying a cut-down AK pistol in one hand and dangling a pirate's head on a hook where the other had been some time previously. The white of his captain's uniform gleamed, underscoring the extreme trepidation experienced by pensioners and pirates both. His nostrils knotted, his pony tail fluttering heroically in the morning breeze, the captain instantly lunged through the air, decapitating three pirates with a sweep of his hook and blowing great holes in Myrtle with his AK, unecessarily.

'Great shivering albatross!' screamed the Somalian pirate and hostaged a weeping Olive. Captain Shitharg (for it was he), swivelled in the gore to face him, his weapon spent and steaming. 'Put down that gran...'

The pirate had only one second to scream before his body hit the water, followed shortly by his head. Anxious for their future job prospects, the remaining pirates threw themselves onto the deck of their ship, scrabbling for the controls. With a roar of venom, Shitharg, a veteran of close-combat seafaring for more than two decades, mined three of the surviving pensioners with Semtex and hurled them bodily through the cabin of the escaping craft, destroying it completely.

After the explosions and flames had died down, Shitharg heard the putter of a motor launch over the screams and groans of the dying crew and passengers. He looked stoically westwards as it docked and spewed a cluster of customs officers onto the deck. 'Help is on the way, Captain Shitharg', saluted a young officer. 'Mersey River Police have been alerted!'

Shitharg wearily tossed the smoking gun at the man's feet and wiped the bloody hook on his sou'wester. He sighed, a mournful sound that rose from the bowels of his entrails in the south and exited through his knotted eyebrows to the north. He bent and scooped a handful of hair from the deck, clutching it feverishly in the crimson slime of his grip. 'Help?' he muttered into the rising wind. 'Help?! When have I, Captain Shitharg, ever needed help?!' And with that, he dived over the rail and into the sea from whence he came.

EPILOGUE: Pete Price swivelled and groaned as the boy in the pink leather jacket roughly fondled his membership card. 'You won't get in 'ere with that', snapped the fag, tearing the card in two. 'Private party only'.

The elderly DJ thought fast. 'But I'm a mate of the Captain's', he begged. 'Yer gorra gorra let me in! Honest, I'm a mate!!'

It was too late. Through the mob of guests waiting to get in, a stormy-countenanced Shitharg, accompanied by Sheryl from Girls Akimbo, lumbered ominously to a halt inches from the clueless Price.

'He's behind you!' growled, Shitharg, seasonally.

New Neptune Proposal Stuns Critics.

2008-11-16T12:56:00.000Z

by our architectural correspondent Wade Bridge

FRESH new images have been released revealing how New Brighton's new luxury drug rehabilitation centre will look once it's completed later this year.

The Lisa Tarbuck Centre for Seriously Ill People Who Inject Themselves is part of the first phase of the regeneration of New Brighton and local firm Neptune Developments have already started work on the £970m development.

As well as the construction of the centre, phase one will also see a block of AIDS treatment clinics and refugee accommodations being built alongside.

Detailed plans for this part of the scheme are to be submitted to local moaners' associations and groups next week.

Rob Taxpayer, development director at Neptune Developments, said: "Neptune Developments is delivering the regeneration of New Brighton in two phases.
"The first relates to the construction of the rehab clinic and the development of a residential and illegal immigrant facility on the adjoining site.

"The second phase will see a huge party we're throwing for fellow councillors and Masons on the island of Mustique, courtesy of Wirral tax-payers, who we have consulted throughout this proposal without interference'.

Rob, whose company recently returned from a nine-week fact-finding tour of Bolivia, intend to eventually turn Wirral into a unique futurist village with the new Derby baths reconstruction planned to reach heights dwarfing the Shanghai Towers. However, due to a series of mishaps, including most of its partners and fellow Masons going into administration earlier this year, Neptune have decided to look elsewhere for their next project.

'Dubai looks good,' says Rob. 'Despite the lack of drugs, alcohol and public nudity, I'm sure Neptune can match international architects with our new range of pre-formed sheds of which the new Floral Pavilion is a shining example.' Rob went onto explain how the constant carping of pensioners and the unemployed had scuppered his plans for world domination of the Wirral. 'They are a shiftless idle lot who like nothng more than to rot away in their disgusting little sea-side shit hole. That said, I've enjoyed many a free pint or expenses-paid holiday with local councilpersons over the years and I'm not one to look a gift horse or tax-payer in the mouth'.

Update: Police have warned that a spate of break-ins to the building site have resulted in delays in attending domestic violence calls. They urge Wirral men to curtail or postpone wife-beating activities until next year when a clean-up squad have finished at the site.

Inside Camp X-Box

2008-11-16T10:43:00.000Z

Wirral Borough Council has released several official photographs of inmates in the prison camp at Hilbre Island, where they are holding 110 suspected members of the new breed of hybrid ‘superscals’ that are plaguing the region.

The pictures, which initial reports suggested were taken as the prisoners tried to eat the security fencing, sparked admiration amongst locals. Some human rights groups deemed the pictures were reminiscent of scenes of torture during the Cold War. Wirral Borough Council argues that the captives are being treated far more severely, stressing that they are extremely dangerous.

The prisoners are being detained in temporary open-sided wire cells until a permanent facility has been constructed. Sized 1.8m by 2.4m, these have been described as 'kennels' and 'cages' by Human Rights Groups but were dubbed ' 5 star accommodation’ by supporters.

Unfortunately the prisoners are not shackled when they are inside their cells and are allowed to roam around free range. But when they are moved around the camp, for delousing or beatings, they are restrained at a 'level appropriate for the person' - which may include hand and leg shackles.

Images of rabid hybrid ‘superscals’ have ignited international jubilation in the fight against international scallydum.

Regime

Breakfast followed by 'morning beating and time to think about what they've done’
Doctor visits to apply salt to wounds
Lunch followed by ‘afternoon beating’
Exercise period (includes some beating)
Mail call – crayons and plasticine are provided, letters may be written under exceptional circumstances, beatings are administered afterwards.
Evening meal followed by ‘goodnight beating’

REFLECTIONS - YOUR GATEWAY TO GLAMOUR

2008-11-16T09:22:00.000Z

Yes! Now Wirraliens can get a real taste of the French Riviera at the launch of Reflections niteclub, bar and restaurant on the site of the old Grande Hotel, New Brighton.

Situated along the seafront, Reflections boasts breathtaking views of the Wirral coastline and L'pool's giant scrapyard.

At Reflections, we cater for a wide-range of customer. From under-age drinkers and pillheads to the mob who pile out of New Brighton's other late night stay-behinds, all are welcome. So come along to one of our Drink-your-own-weight nites or why not piss your giro away in our members only bar.

Reflections also boast a specialised cuisine for our celebrity clientele. Try our two-for-the-price-of-one Watercress Pot Noodle or 2am girls favourite, Bitter Pork in Cider. And afterwards, experience our sumptuous unisex toilets, awarded Best Bogs 2008 by Buz magazine.

Showbusiness World Aghast at Sweeney Retirement Threat

2008-11-15T09:16:00.000Z

Claire Sweeney has revealed plans to bow out of acting to concentrate on raising her family.

The 44-year-old star no children and is single but intends to devote more time to her 23 nephews and nieces now that her panto, Tit in Boots, is winding up rehearsals before opening at the Floral pavilion next month.

She was interviewed by the Wirral Groan while promoting her new fragrance, Mersey, by Lethargique.

Asked in the interview whether she thought the possibility of her looks fading could affect a lengthy career, Sweeney said: "I don't think about it much because I don't plan to keep acting very long."

Laughing, she continued: "I'm ready to do a few things now and fade away and get ready to be a grandma one day. So I'm not so worried that I want to keep this pace up and try to be something and be a celebrity and be a successful actress forever.

"I think it's boss, I've had a time to tell stories and be able to be successful enough to tell the ones I want to tell, and (to) earn some dollar at the same time is great. But everything comes in seasons and, you know, I hopefully won't be needing to do that later in my life in any way."

But Claire would not rule out returning to work for interesting projects. She even blacked up for an audition for the part of Ma Waters in the movie bio-pic of blues legend Muddy Waters, the Muddy Waters Story.

Asked if she had given herself a cut-off point when she no longer wanted to be an actress, Sweeney said: "I don't think I'll ever say I'm never ever going to work because maybe there's that interesting project where I feel creative - but certainly I think now I haven't worked for a year. There are plans to re-make Le Cage Aux Folles with Pete Price but enough funding hasn't been stolen from the tax-payers yet.

"I'll work for a few months in February when I'm appearing in Celebrity Makeover on Ice. I won't work again probably for another 12 years. So maybe I'll do another televised Rear of the Year on cable - I like being home a lot these days."

The actress, 35, is known for her interest in humanitarian issues, working as a Goodwill Ambassador for the local deranged.

NEW DOGGING CRAZE SET TO SWEEP WIRRAL

2008-11-14T17:21:00.001Z

Wirral Police warned today that sex-crazed motorists, called ‘doggers', are to unleash a new and lethal version of the craze upon local beauty spots.

Officers, alerted to the phenomenon by a rash of complaints from a resident incensed by the perverts' antics, investigated and found several cars semi-submerged in the Dee estuary at high tide.

At first, the constables thought that the cars belonged to cockle-collectors sheltering from wintry coastal conditions but on further investigation several couples were found masturbating each other inside the vehicles. A number of arrests were made and a late model Seat Viagra was confiscated, along with a gross of ‘Motor Mutt' condoms and a copy of the ‘Wirral Woof'.

Chief Inspector Wade Nobbing revealed the results of his enquiry, claiming that ‘aqua-dogging', having sex in a submerged automobiles, is set to become the next trend in al fresco how's-your-father. ‘Doggers are a menace,' he opined from behind a hastily assembled trestle table at a press conference today. ‘The dangers of water-borne venereal disease is uppermost in the minds of local residents to say nothing of the environmental damage done to fish stocks.'

Groan staff were today recovering after a 400-metre doggy-paddle up the estuary after their van sprung a leak.

Council unveils DogBog designs

2008-11-14T13:10:00.000Z

Computer generated vision of winning design

Wirral Council today unveiled the winning design for their ‘DogBog’ challenge 2008.

School children across the Wirral were invited to submit designs for a portable canine toilet. The winning design was created by 9 year old Wayne Asboid, a student at Grove Road school.

Wayne's award winning sketch

Wayne’s design was then transformed into a computer generated model by Neptune Developments, Wirral councils preferred developer for all things New Brighton.

“We’ve consulted the people of New Brighton many times on what they want to see with the new developments. Over riding all other requests was a public facility which would accommodate the extrodinary amounts of brown cod we find washed up on the beach” said Ian Drainport, head of concept design at Neptune.

Lucky Wayne wins a years pass to the New Brighton Laser Quest and his weight in two pence pieces to be used at Wilkies Penny Slot arcade.

Community rallies round Keith

2008-11-14T09:19:00.000Z

Rock Ferry residents have rallied round in support of Keith Graham, the Wirral youth whose appeal in last week’s paper brought home the plight of others facing a lifetime of misery.

Keith, who has been diagnosed with terminal Pisstaker’s Syndrome, was due to undertake a miracle cure but the overall cost of flying him to America, the only place in the world that treats PS, proved to be prohibitive. PS, which renders sufferers incapable of the slightest movement, has had little press, leading some medical experts to doubt its validity.

Betty Graham, Mark’s mum, spoke yesterday in an impassioned plea to the medical fraternity. ‘Our Mark is practically a vegetable,’ wept Betty at the door of their modern semi overlooking Laird’s yesterday. ‘Most days, he is only capable of moving his thumbs so it’s a 24-7 job looking after him.’ Mark’s illness also means that he has to have a special diet. ‘He can’t eat solids so we have to make a mush of pizza and cider. It’s the only thing he can get down.’ Betty also blamed Arrowe Park Hospital for their negligence in diagnosing the illness.

‘He just wasn’t getting the right treatment. They confiscated his Playstation and his crack pipe was allowed to go out.’ A specialist in the States was found and agreed to operate on Mark. Originally, Wirral Special Needs Initiative was to foot the bill but when 300 people realised that they too had PS the WSNI withdrew the funding. However, due to the fund-raising efforts of the Rock Ferry Residents Association, Mark may be flying to Florida after all. ‘Only in America do they have the facilities to treat Mark properly,’ said the Graham’s GP. ‘There they have the latest Lazy-Boy recliners, games consoles and burgers. I’ve a feeling this disease could reach epidemic proportions in the coming months.’

Kung-Fu Gran in Argos Fury

2008-11-13T10:27:00.000Z

An elderly Seacombe woman has been awarded £200 in damages after cruel treatment by shop staff left her practically uncomfortable yesterday.

Miriam Crackhough, 77, of St. Paul's Rd, was awarded the damages at Wirral Magistrate's Court after judges found that Argos staff had deliberately ejected her from their shop in Birkenhead causing her distress and unecessary discontentment.

Mrs. Crackhough had gone into the store in January last year to return a faulty modem cable she'd bought for her husband for Xmas. She had only been in the store for a few minutes when Rhys Zpekt, 16, a security officer from Sparebear Inc., had approached her and warned her to either leave her nunchakus outside or leave. During the pitched battle that followed, several staff and three by-standers were injured, one having his arm severed completely and another whose wounds were so horrific gender can not be determined.

Mrs. Crackhough herself has been unable to speak since the incident except to appeal to the jury for compensation during her trial. 'It was awful', she recalled from the terrace of her terraced accommodation in Seacombe today. 'I'd only gone into the shop to return a cable and I was set upon by this huge hulk who wrestled me outside the shop, exposing a breast and breaking a set of antique rice flails I had with me'.

The rice flails in question played a major role in Argos' case for the defence but the judges found in Mrs. Crackhough's favour when she revealed to them that they were for medicinal use only. 'I've got terminal arthritis and I use nunchucks to crunch up me tablets'. Argos apologised, paying Mrs. Crackhough £200 and providing internet access for over 60 pensioner friends of the plaintiff.

The police apologised for any incompetence experienced during the investigation and promised their forensics guy would be back in time for the Xmas period.

Pete Pric to sue internet

2008-11-10T13:09:00.000Z

Wirral talk show DJ and friend to the C list stars is taking legal action against a blogger who has ‘hijacked’ his jokes.

The secret diary of Pete Pric caused the veteran talk show host to cancel his latest book tour because of terror threats from angry celebs.

“How can this low life scum get away with this? It’s taken me years to build my professional reputation up to what it is.

This saddo is insulting my friends and needs to get a life before I knock him out.” Pete said from his New Brighton riverside penthouse above the new Floral Pavilion. He added “I can’t even work a phone box let alone a blog. On my radio show all I do is fiddle with knobs, but I don’t know what the hell they do!”

The blog, which is causing outrage among Liverpool’s celebrity ligga’s, caused controversy when many members of Liverpool’s elite believed it to be true.

Pete Pric has enlisted the help of celebrity law firm Letts, Fleecem & Spendit who are no strangers to satirical web logs.

“Pete has notified us of this libelous site and we are taking action in the county courts to sue the internet. At this stage we can’t say anything more other than Peter is really upset and wants’ to be left alone.” Said Mr Lets.

Do you know who the secret blogger is? Contact the Wirral Groan michelle_suit@hotmail.com

Berlusconi in New Race Row.

2008-11-10T12:13:00.000Z

Dapper, uncivilsed Italian dictator, Silvio Berlusconi, has once again created controversy with his inappropriate statements, this time whilst on a tour of Birkenhead's notorious Market district.

Feathers were ruffled as Berlusconi,33, part of an EU fact-finding group on Poverty and Disease in the North of England, spoke to reporters after the climax of the tour, a guided run around the North End. When asked what he thought about the area, Berlosconi spoke with an aide before replying that he'd been treated well and would remember the trip with fondness. 'I have been treated well by the people of Borkenhead, ' he said, fingering the lapel of his 100% silk Armani blazer and running his manicured fingers (300 euros) through his hair (500 euros). 'But I have found that there are many here who are lazy, shiftless criminals types with little thought for the community or the regional respect that is destroyed by their behaviour. They are welcome to come to Italy anytime'.

Senor Berlusconi then went onto praise the local fish market before receiving a special unemployment edition of the Wirral Groan from editor-in-chief, Michelle Suit. 'We're very proud of Silvio', said our leader. 'He's originally from Prenton but keeps it quiet'.

Update: Police said they were unable to locate the limousine used by Berlosconi's entourage but were confident they would eventually do something about it soon.

Employment Corridor Beseiged by Credit Crunchies.

2008-11-07T12:57:00.000Z

Residents on Wirral's Employment Corridor (pictured) are up in arms at recent news of a world-wide credit crunch. While global economies tumble, millions of recently-unemployed immigrants from as far away as Haiti are flocking to the area in search of employment.

'We look like complete twats', says Egremont MP, Hermione Kite. 'The last administration have saddled us with this ridiculous moniker which gives the impression there is work here. In the last three decades, we've had several new shacks put up along King St. but that won't do much to house the millions expected to arrive in Egremont in the next three weeks'.

The first leaking boat arrived in Seacombe Ferry on Thursday morning, laden with dispossessed from as far away as the Galapagos Islands. 'If this goes on, additional strain will be put on local services' said elderly resident, Britney Larr, yesterday. 'At present, I share my job as a kebab tester with three other homeless men. What is to become of me?'

Large sandbanks are being constructed along the peninsula to repel the refugees and dogging has been suspended until work is completed in 2206.

Residents horror at seaside hotdog

2008-11-07T10:24:00.000Z

Local residents are furious over a new line of snacks being served at a New Brighton Café. The ‘bitch butties’ are being served to day trippers and have become very popular with visitors from North Wales.

Wirral’s Ukulele festival is now on

2008-11-07T10:23:00.001Z

Wirral's 47th international Ukulele festival of Great Britain is underway.

Staged this year at Stairways in Birkenhead, it was opened by former fairground announcer Eddi Tokens, with performances from Twangy Twang, The Window Cleaners and local hit sensation Arthur Stout and the pork scratchings.

Also appearing this year are The Les Bos, Charlie Lineswhite and local DJ and ukulele enthusiast Pete Pric, to name a few.

The festival starts tonight at 8pm and continues all week. Tickets are available from the Sue Ryder shop, Liscard.

Iceland burns and takes council budget with it

2008-10-16T14:39:00.001+01:00

By staff reporter & agencies

The Liscard branch of Iceland frozen food stores burnt to the ground Wednesday night, in what police are describing as ‘suspicious circumstances’. Police and fire services were called to the discount frozen food store after a call from local resident Wlodek Bankyskov.

“Wszystkiego Najlepszego z okazji Dnia Mamy” said Bankyskov, a migrant worker from Poland. Mr Bankysov was on his way to complete his night shift at ASDA when he saw the blazing deep frozen goods.

Officers from Birkenhead fire station battled hard to extinguish the blaze which took over 2 hours to control. “It was a serious fire” said Long Drainage of Merseyside fire brigade. “By the time we’d put the fire out all the chicken nuggets were burnt badly. Luckily the Kernal had some BBQ sauce in the truck” he added.

Merseyside police refused to comment on potential motives or suspects. Sergent Mike Taser spoke at a short press conference outside of Wilikies, just a few yards from the devastated Iceland.

“We cannot at this stage rule out arson or accidental causes. Fire experts are still investigating if any accelerants were used to create the devastating fire. The source of the fire is thought to have been an ignited case of curly turkey fries. We've also been informed by the Mayor that Wirral Council had been storing their entire budget for 2009 inside one of the freezers at the back of the store”.

No members of Wirral Borough council were available for comment last night saying “that’s why mums gone to Iceland”.

MUTANT CRABS LINK TO ALCO-POPS

2003-03-11T11:00:00.000Z

Local residents in New Brighton have been warned to stay away from popular tourist attraction, Marine Lake, after mutant crabs were reported attacking Albanian workers enjoying a day out. Top government scientists have been drafted into the area to investigate sightings of huge crustaceans on the peninsula.

Dr. Greg Aftermath, professor of Toxiclakeology at Liverpool Polytechnic burst into the lab in a hurry. His team, professionals to a man and woman, herded back to give the great man room to speak.

“Men!” he yelled. “And women! The local yokels are driving me mad with their incessant cries of ‘Crab!’ Anything to report?”

A small nervous fellow with a clipboard pondered and went: “Four more sightings of giant crab in and around New Brighton, professor,” he mewed. “The local fishermen are concerned it may affect Seacombe’s delicate eco-system.”

Another scientist stepped forward, her provocative white lab coat parting to reveal the luscious thrust of her pouting young knitwear. “Sir,” she breathed naughtily. “A team was despatched to isolate a portion of the lake for analysis but we were unable to get near enough due to the high rate of airborne pollution coming from the site.” She swiftly uncrossed the silky expanse of her thighs and exhaled. “You’ll have to send in a probe.”

Dr. Aftermath grunted and then swung his chair around to stare out of the window. “Well, General?”

General Forshking crossed to the room to stand behind the professor. “It doesn’t look good, doctor,” he barked. “We’ve tried bazookas, napalm, the lot! Everything we throw at them just seems to make them stronger! It’s like a nightmare. Only we’re awake…wide awake.”

Someone rapped loudly on the laboratory door. The team parted to make way for Dr. Aftermath’s voluptuous redheaded secretary. “Sir,” she heaved, awesomely. “There’s seaman…. seaman…”

“Well, spit it out, girl!”

“…a seaman outside to sea you!”

“Well, what in Tar Nation does he want to see me for?”

With an audible rush of wind, the door flew open to reveal a tall dark man, with the knitted brow and crossed eyes of a warrior.

“Shitharg!” exclaimed the professor, first. “We didn’t realise it had become so serious!”

A visible shudder surfed the room. Captain Steve Shitharg pursed his lips and looked at the weapon in his hand.

“How many rounds do I have left in my gun, shithead?” He pointed at Dr. Aftermath.

“Wh-what on earth do you mean, captain?” yelled the prof.

Shitharg ground the gun into his forehead. “How many?”

“Er, ten?”

Steve Shitharg stepped back and his weapon sprayed a hundred slugs of lead into every other person in the room – twice.

Captain Steve Shitharg swivelled slowly, taking in the smell of cordite and the sight of a dozen twitching corpses ripped apart in their ghastly redness.

“You’re wrong,” he whispered softly. “Dead wrong.”

EPILOGUE

The door security stiffened as the long white limo cruised elegantly to a halt outside Mauve, Liverpool’s top nightspot. The line of clubbers on the pavement surged forward as the limo’s door opened to reveal a woman’s long, shapely orange legs gaping slightly as she disembarked, followed by her male companion.

Despite the woman’s obvious attractions, it was her companion that held the crowd’s attention. For it was none other than sea-faring martial arts legend, Captain Steven Shitharg, here at another after-awards ceremony bash thrown in his honour.

“Ah, Captain Shitharg,” called Bobby Davro from the bar. “Congratulations on saving the Wirral from all those giant crabs. It’s a shame that so many innocent people had to die and all those policemen, too.”

Shitharg turned and slowly squinted his eyes until the corners of his mouth reached his ears. A deep rumble built in his chest. Davro turned white, his legs turned to flared jelly.

“I told them at the enquiry and now I’ll tell you all!” Shitharg growled.

The music ceased and all heads turned his way.

“It was a case of contaminated Red Bat. A group of girls from Prenton got smashed on it in Reflections and pissed it all out in the lake afterwards. That’s how the crabs got so huge.”

“But why didn’t the government’s crack science team spot the contamination, Steve?” said Bobby.

“Because they were covering up an important fact. Red Bat is actually Marine Lake water plus a few colourings. The Albanians, top toxicologists in their own country, knew this and reported it to the authorities that, in turn, phoned Red Bat and let them know someone was onto them. Via the lodge, they managed to get the Government to send out a bunch of stooges to act as scientists to keep the scandal under wraps. Their big mistake was killing the Albanians and blaming it on the crabs. You see, Marine Lake crabs only eat swans.”

With a hard smirk, Shitharg grabbed his bird and swung away into the VIP area.

“You’re a marvel,” screamed the bird from Jemini. “A fucken marvel!”

ROUGH JUSTICE

2003-03-10T11:09:00.000Z

Tourists, many of them elderly, were in for a treat today as the world famous Tall ships glided gracefully up the River Mersey.

The ships, which are world-renowned for their height, were sailing into the Capital of Culture as part of the city’s River Festival when a dozen speeding motorboats tore through the surf towards them. Alarmed tourists fled as groups of masked men, armed with the latest high-tech weaponry, swarmed up the gangplanks of the ships, preventing them from docking. Short bursts of automatic gunfire were heard as the men herded the crew beneath decks and took control of the vessels.

Then, just as the ships were about to be plundered, the plaintive wail of a ship’s horn sounded from across the river. The men paused, turning to each other with questioning frowns, when suddenly the ancient ship was crushed by the massive impact of the Stennalink Norse ferry as it plowed into its stern. Dozens of terrorists were hurled into the sea and dozens more were sucked down into the icy depths as the precious ships went under.

“Avast, motherfuckers!” roared Captain Shitharg, his grip fast upon the main brace. “The Mersey’s mine and I’ll kill to keep it!” And with that he leapt upon the leader of the terrorists and ran him through.

His men, a desperate and motley crew, starved of rations and earning a paltry £4.30 an hour, leapt at the chance of plunder and rent the ships apart in their frenzied quest for loot. Seconds later, small fires erupted on the remainder of the fleet, scuttled beyond even the most generous European funding.

“ Well done, Captain Shitharg,” beamed Frank Field MP later in the bar of the Ringo Lounge. “You’ve saved the day once more. How can the city of people of Merseyside ever thank you?”

Shitharg’s massive brow knotted together with a cre

FIRST BUS CRACKDOWN ON TRANSPORT CRIME

2003-03-09T09:38:00.000Z

First Bus, Wirral’s newest transport executive, is pushing forward a revolutionary new way to combat anti-social behaviour and bus crime in the New Ferry region.

This month sees the first in a series of new initiatives to stem the increasing tide of attacks, graffiti and lawlessness on the transport company’s vehicles by suspending a number of routes between Bromborough, New Ferry and Heswall. Residents are jubilant about the results.

Mrs. Angina Hertz, 78, a retired accordionist from New Ferry, welcomes the changes. “Crime has been cut by 100%,” yelled the pensioner from between the barred windows of her ground floor maisonette in Upper Thyroid Close. “Despite the chaos it causes for elderly folk on the peninsula, I feel it will be necessary to make us feel safer.”

The cancellation of the 117, 125, 133, 121, 118, 119, 342, 745, 998, and 2 routes will enable the company to put into effect other safety measures, such as bullet-proof bus shelters on the 117, 125, 133, 121, 118, 119, 342, 745, 998, and 2 buses.