tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-71078544846721112492024-03-13T15:10:45.993+00:00The Wirral GroanWirral's most trusted online news source. We put the PENIS in Peninsular.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger89125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7107854484672111249.post-8015812860648922702021-05-06T13:31:00.007+01:002021-05-06T14:51:31.192+01:00Cronavirus special: Wallasey's old women have their say<h2 style="text-align: left;"> Wirral's beleaguered pensioners, many of them women, have in recent months contacted our news desk to describe hellish living conditions during the current peninsula-wide restrictions.</h2><h4 style="text-align: left;"><span style="color: red;">By Michelle Suit, Editor-At-Large.</span></h4><div><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LPZW6oLXOQI/YJPagtNJBlI/AAAAAAAAEhg/Fgs3VvI8B4wHE5EBsYutirpo8lkitkhNgCLcBGAsYHQ/s598/OnlyGrans..jpg" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="399" data-original-width="598" height="438" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-LPZW6oLXOQI/YJPagtNJBlI/AAAAAAAAEhg/Fgs3VvI8B4wHE5EBsYutirpo8lkitkhNgCLcBGAsYHQ/w656-h438/OnlyGrans..jpg" title="Vadge Cutlet shortly before her arrest for benefit fraud." width="656" /></a></div><div><br /></div><h3 style="text-align: left;">Even before lockdowns began, many aged female Wirraliens were feeling the pinch with local bed and floorboard taxes slashing precious pounds from already inadequate pensions resulting in many women being forced into the drugs or sex trade in order to survive.</h3><p>One such oldster, 94 year-old Verinal Gutteridge of Knight Terrace, Badington, wrote: ''Since my Arthur died, I spent most of my days sitting by the one-bar electric fire staring at his empty bowl. The neighbours knocked but I just couldn't summon the will to answer the door. Eventually, the stench alerted the authorities and I was airlifted to our Becky's''. Vera was just one of a number of women in the area to complain to our helpline about the lack of food, electricity and other luxury items with several anxious about demands from local government to reduce the size of their TV sets to comply with current poverty guidelines. ''I did try to stay within the rules,'' yelled Vera, her mohair cardigan gaping slightly to reveal the sensuous folds of her apron beneath. ''But I couldn't afford a new hacksaw blade.''</p><p>Vadge Cutlet, 88, was another who felt her world collapse during Covid 19. When council tax demands forced her to sell her vintage Tupperware collection, she decided that enough was enough and took matters into her own hands... with spectacular results. By spending as little as two hours a day on the OnlyGrans network, she has made enough money online to refurbish her home and build another on the allotment behind it. Now, instead of 1950s Tupperware, her £150,000 kitchen bristles with designer white goods while traversed silently by a diamond-encrusted Roomba. ''I woke up to the sound of piss running down the back of me legs and realised I hadn't spoken to another living being since I was doorstepped by a ISIS recruiter last March'', Vadge lamented, nostalgically running her finger along the top of her vibrating Hotpoint. ''Now all I have to do is log on, get me top off and submit myself to 30 mins savage jiggery-pokery with the Black Python and tills are ringin', blud''.</p><p>Other pensioners have regaled us with their tragic tales of misery. This one from Singe Mabuti, 102, of Rock Ferry Bypass, had Groan staff in tears. ''I was just staggering back from the local food bank with seven cans of Doggo Loops™ when I felt a sharp pain in my left buttock from where a pitbull had clamped its jaws. As we hopped about, a group of feral shoppers assembled and jeered as the dog bit through me sack and inhaled me loops. After several years of painful surgery, I returned home to find my house ransacked and the word 'Nazi Nons' sprayed across the door. With help from other pensioners, I managed to find work chopping up mashed potato granules and putting them into small packets for me grandson to sell at nightclubs. Without the aid of Vadge and ANALCLAMP (Amalgamated National And Local Committee for Legal Aid for Merseyside Pensioners), I would have topped meself.''</p><p>Despite being named as the number one destination for first-time homeowners, Wallasey has faced a sharp decline over the last year with many old people falling through the cracks in the road outside New Brighton station. Now that Covid has further reduced Wirral's ageing population, ANALCLAMP and other organisations want the region's elderly to be designated a minority group enabling them to literally reap the benefits before their total removal in 2025.</p><p>The Wirral Groan reached out to ask Merseyside DWP if Cutlet and co. would face benefit cuts due to their illegal labour. A spokesman later informed us that they weren't receiving any.</p><p></p></div>BRUTE!http://www.blogger.com/profile/08660885644991233801noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7107854484672111249.post-13406117219390838292012-09-02T14:50:00.001+01:002012-09-02T15:15:33.163+01:00Mitt Row over 'Chav Tour'<b>Republican candidate and presidential hopeful, Mitt Romney, is to set to jet into Birkenhead next week as part of a whistle-stop tour around some of the UK's most disenfranchised communities.</b><br />
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Local leaders are ecstatic that the GOP nominee will be including the town in his itinerary and have plundered council coffers for Romney's 24-hour protection whilst in the community.<br />
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Extra security staff will be specially trained in the week leading up to his arrival while dangerous dogs are to be rounded up in a bid to cleanse the region of its less attractive elements.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Grange Rd. yesterday.</td></tr>
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Council spokesperson, Brett Exoskeleton, explains. 'While we are pulling out all the stops to make Senator Kerry's stay as comfortable as possible, it's important to remember why the man is here', intoned Exoskeleton from beneath the enveloping warmth of a vintage patchwork eiderdown yesterday. 'He expects to be able to view our scum in order to make his report. How much of that scum we decide to expose Senator McCain to is to be debated over a beer in the Clarence, later'.<br />
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However, there are many in the community that feel that the town's inclusion in the tour further diminishes Birkenhead's reputation, already in tatters after being named UK Murder Capital of the Year in a recent Ross Kemp TV special.<br />
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Vlad Brokes, vice-chairman of Merseyside-based charity, LOSA (Leave Our Scum Alone), is unconvinced that the tour will do much to provide improvements for local unemployed and that Romney's presence will only reinforce negative stereotyping of chavs.<br />
Brokes, 55, a former Atari parts specialist from Little Nedton, spoke of his concerns from his secret headquarters deep within his mother's house in Rorschach Drive, Little Nedton. 'Romney's concern for our smack-addicted teen mothers is admirable' he said. 'However, the tour's effect on the local community will mean, in the long run, nowt. The area cannot shed its 'Beirut by the Mersey' image simply by removing a few corpses from Birkenhead Park.'<br />
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Police are appealing to the local youth to quell anti-social behaviour during the tour and have provided several wheelie bins where they can hand themselves in anonymously. These were later withdrawn after several members of the community complained of 'severed limb'.<br />
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<br />BRUTE!http://www.blogger.com/profile/08660885644991233801noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7107854484672111249.post-4218003766490570552012-05-31T12:19:00.000+01:002012-05-31T12:40:50.560+01:00Wirral welcomes Olympic torch<br />
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Times-Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>By Wayne Bridges</b> - <i>Sportswear corespondent</i></span></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times-Roman, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">Gladys Hurdle gets her spark back</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Times-Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Wirral
is set to go ablaze today with the arrival of the Olympic torch,
en-route its Olympic treck around the UK. The torch bearing bus
rolled into Birkenhead North last night and was met with minimal
reaction and little enthusiasm.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Times-Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Wirral's
sporting legends are braced to carry the torch around the borough in
what is being billed as 'the sporting event of the 21st century'.
Gladys Hurdle, 98 of Achilles Close, New Brighton is set to start the
torch rely today. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Times-Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Times-Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Gladys won bronze competing in the 100 meter air raid
shelter dash at the 1936 Olympics in what was then, Nazi Germany.
"I'm thrilled to be asked to take part in this relay" said
Gladys, as she was being man handled by her NHS home care support
nurse. "Goebbels always liked the way I held his torch, I'm
really pleased the world kept this occultist Nazi invention of the
Olympic flame".</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Times-Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Gladys
will hand the torch to 8 times Mobility Scooter Triathlon champion
Lilly 'go fast' Jones. Lilly will endure a challenging 300 meter dash
along the prom where she will hand over to gold medalist Brian
Damage. Brian won gold in the Sayers Pasty challenge back in 2001, run
by our rival paper the Wirral Globe. “Training has been tough with
all this talk of VAT on pasties, but thanks to Iceland and the
Jubilee, I've got more pies in my freezer than Frey Bentos”
spluttered Mr Damage, as he bit into an alarmingly hot steak and
kidney slice. </span></span></span>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Times-Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">From
there the Olympic torch makes it way to Liscard where it will be
taken into Crack Convertors, where the proceeds of it will be given to
the local charity, the Kings Arms.</span></span></span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7107854484672111249.post-22471067131553721372011-03-25T12:13:00.002+00:002011-03-25T12:19:15.305+00:00Drink yourself fit with your FREE Wirral Groan diet sheet!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-51oq4NBiKLY/TYyHDa3zFzI/AAAAAAAABcc/5fX1WFnD5gs/s1600/5aday_strong-lager-ad-copy.jpg"><img style="text-align: center;float: left; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 0px; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px; " src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-51oq4NBiKLY/TYyHDa3zFzI/AAAAAAAABcc/5fX1WFnD5gs/s320/5aday_strong-lager-ad-copy.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5587989730482657074" /></a> <span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small; "><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small; "><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small; ">(sponsored by Scalcost Lager, Bebington)</span></div>BRUTE!http://www.blogger.com/profile/08660885644991233801noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7107854484672111249.post-82762189246991778692010-09-07T14:28:00.004+01:002010-09-07T16:37:55.878+01:00Tsunami tests to go ahead<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/TIZSRrvscHI/AAAAAAAABVE/6HdCtbX9SJs/s1600/newferry.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/TIZSRrvscHI/AAAAAAAABVE/6HdCtbX9SJs/s320/newferry.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5514185257515774066" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/TIZSRUbc4jI/AAAAAAAABU8/O4muVpO5YIU/s1600/before.JPG"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 230px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/TIZSRUbc4jI/AAAAAAAABU8/O4muVpO5YIU/s320/before.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5514185251256853042" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/TIZSRHkDNNI/AAAAAAAABU0/1tAoWVbxwSw/s1600/after.JPG"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 230px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/TIZSRHkDNNI/AAAAAAAABU0/1tAoWVbxwSw/s320/after.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5514185247803258066" /></a><br /><b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">by our environment correspondent, Val Kano.</span></span></i></b><div><b><br /></b></div><div><b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"></span> </span></i>Tensions amongst river-front communities on Merseyside were high today as news reports revealed that controversial emergency services tests are to be implemented this week-end.</b><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The tests, which are a part of the North West region's commitment to meet the needs of residents during an apocalypse, will include a simulated full-size tsunami which residents, many of them elderly, fear will damage their livelihoods for up to several years. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Romanian salvage engineers, currently working on dis-mantling the Newbodome, also insist that their work/life cycles may be severely imbalanced during the marine disruptions.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The wave, set to break records for water displacement, will be created by igniting a huge explosive device underneath Bootle, sending hundreds of thousands of tons of debris into the Mersey and making way for a new shopping mall due to start construction immediately. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">'Emergency services are confident this exercise will raise awareness of large bodies of water moving at incredible speeds towards local residents', proclaimed </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'times new roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Merseyside Fire and Rescue Service’s</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> spokesperson, Eammon Igga, yesterday. 'We've been out in a boat all day yesterday and we're all systems go, quite frankly'. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Shifting imperceptibly along the outer edge of a nuanced, 19th-century ottoman, Mr. Igga went on to dispel accusations made yesterday in Burst's restaurant, Liscard, that the tests were just an excuse to demolish vast sections of the Newbodome, now deemed unsafe. 'Our crack team of scientists, engineers and diggers ensure us that disruptions to trade and public order will be minimal. However, we do warn that wave simulations may extend the shore line into neighbouring counties and that residents should stay indoors during this time'.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Local conspiracy theorist and ex-humanitarian aid volunteer, Abdul A-Teem, 17, disagrees. 'The local council, aided by the notorious Toxteth Illuminati, plan to create a massive new water park', said Mr. A-Teem from the sumptuous interior of a late '80s Marina. 'They aim to flood the Wirral with the tsunami, thus bringing the Dee Estuary and the Mersey together in one body of water. Anyone caught in the middle is just collateral damage.'</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Mr. A-Teem's friend and fellow conspiracy theorist, Kanye Putt-Butterinson, 44, agreed. 'What he said', he said.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">In preparation for the staged catastrophe this weekend, both ships have been evacuated from their moorings on the river while several Beatle souvenir shops </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small; ">near the Pier Head </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small; ">have been surrounded by sand bags. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Donkey rides along New Brighton beach are postponed until after the deluge and parents are being warned to keep a tight hold of their children while picnicking in Vale Park or Harrison Drive this weekend. Returning day trippers wanting to take advantage of the free life-jackets will find it situated at either New or Seacombe Ferries. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div><div><br /></div><div><b><i>NEWS FLASH:</i></b> Health and safety officials have given the go-ahead to the council-sponsored OAPs vs. JSAs marathon scheduled to take place on New Brighton Dips that day.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div></div>BRUTE!http://www.blogger.com/profile/08660885644991233801noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7107854484672111249.post-2489179438933426832010-06-09T11:15:00.009+01:002010-06-09T11:34:39.255+01:00Kids get new wall for 2010 World Cup<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_3pMVydjMi6w/TA9sffKUthI/AAAAAAAAAxU/L2Kfa9iZR2E/s1600/simontann.1181487600.lads-playing-football.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_3pMVydjMi6w/TA9sffKUthI/AAAAAAAAAxU/L2Kfa9iZR2E/s400/simontann.1181487600.lads-playing-football.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5480718559729726994" /></a><br /><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><i>Form our 201o World Cup correspondent, Ronaldo Snorts.</i></span></div><div><br /></div><b>Wirral Council has forked out £100,000 to build a new mud wall around Liscard playing fields in preparation for the 2010 world cup, which kicks off next week.</b><div><br /></div><div>The new wall, designed to keep children inside the park during the tournament is being hailed as the biggest construction project in Wirral since the start of the £80M NewboDome project.</div><div><br /></div><div>Local children will be displaying their talents and ASBO's at an all star football match this weekend. Celebrities will join in the fun as a multitude of ex-Brookside stars flock to the match in support of the 'Agros Skilz 4 Skals' campaign.</div><div><br /></div><div>"I've been in training for this event for months" said Les Boss, 58 of New Brighton. "It's been ages since I played a full 20 minutes so I hope my knee holds out. If it doesn't then my benefits will go back up a level or two". </div><div><br /></div><div>Les, former Rovers goal keeper and full time chemtrail expert was keen to stress the importance of a THC rich training programme. "We've been feeding these kids Brek for weeks. The performance levels have gone through the roof" said Les, reclining in his hammock to the sound of dub reggae.</div><div><br /></div><div>Not all residents are as thrilled as Les. A campaign group has been set up to ensure rowdy football tots do not bring large scale hooliganism to the Borough during the World Cup festivities. Football United in Controlling Kids (FUiCK) was set up by local activist Rusty Gash and hopes to lobby local councillors to ensure policed patrols are stepped up during the tournament. </div><div><br /></div><div>"What our concerns are is that children may end up enjoying them selves and get involved in a healthy activity" said Rusty from her bunker in Vale Park. "The last thing we need in this area is well behaved and healthy children. It would be a disaster" she added.</div><div><br /></div><div>Tickets go on sale for the event today and are available at all Bargain Boozes. If you buy 6 stella's you get two tickets free.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7107854484672111249.post-71595122949805745422010-06-09T08:52:00.007+01:002010-06-09T09:17:51.649+01:00Methadone spill shuts Vicky road<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_3pMVydjMi6w/TA9LhUDhaII/AAAAAAAAAxM/rdSziUQAlAc/s1600/photo.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_3pMVydjMi6w/TA9LhUDhaII/AAAAAAAAAxM/rdSziUQAlAc/s400/photo.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5480682307224430722" /></a><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, sans-serif;font-size:100%;color:#444444;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="border-collapse: collapse; font-size:13px;"><b><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Victoria Road a few hours after the spill</span></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal; font-size:13px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">Victoria road was brought to a stand still this afternoon when a lorry collided with a mobility scooter and overturned spilling it's contents.</span></b><br /><br />The lorry was carrying 16 million litres of liquid methadone which was en route to Leasowe. Emergency services were quick to respond but local residents had already taken things into their own mouths.<br /><br />"We were in the Railway enjoying happy hour when we heard this almighty crash" Omar Shareef, 14, informed the Groan, whilst enjoying a quadrupole baileys with ice cream. "Our kidda came in looking all monged and the next thing we know, the streets were full of kryptonite" he added very slowly and incoherently.<br /><br />Wallasey fire brigade was first to attend the scene which shocked local residents, many of them elderly.<br /><br />"The incident occurred at 14:56 and we arrived at the scene at 16:09." Said fireman Samuel from inside his helmet. "The area was covered with residents slurping at the tarmac with those bendy straws, and or lying unconscious outside the shop formerly known as the quickie" he added whilst playing with his massive hose.<br /><br />Vladimir Bulivski, 87, a local entrepreneur, was an eye witness to the event. Standing outside his charity shop he said he was "amazed" at how quickly local mefs came to the aid of the emergency services and was "amazed" that no one got hurt in the following stampede. "I was amazed", he added.<br /><br />Victoria road was re-opened to traffic again at 18:45 much to the relief of Stella Artos, who manages the local bargain booze. "Our delivery was held up for over two hours. We'd run totally dry on Superkings, Lambrini Light and Mini Cheddars."<br /><br />A spokesperson for Green Fairy Inc, the company responsible got the distribution of methadone across the Wirral was unavailable for comment but a statement on their website said "404 file not found".<br /><br />Merseyside police's crack road traffic incident unit, MPCRTIU, were quick to blame others.<br /><br /><i>Do you know anyone on methadone? Got a picture of them being sick? Email us now and win a months free giro. </i></span></span></b></span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7107854484672111249.post-54185339104861895292010-05-03T11:52:00.013+01:002010-05-03T13:13:15.432+01:00Sir Bob: Rats to Reform<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.innovationedge08.co.uk/img/speakers/bob-geldof.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 243px; height: 246px;" src="http://www.innovationedge08.co.uk/img/speakers/bob-geldof.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">by our celebrity correspondent Neil Spredham</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Rock star and campaigner Sir Bob Geldof was at the centre of a tornado of controversy when he unleashed some startling news at a local event on Wirral this weekend.<br /><br /></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-size:100%;">For Sir Bob, 73, let it be known that plans are under way to re-record his most famous song, 'I Don't Like Mondays'.</span><br /><br />The singer and father of two revealed that, due to pressures from family and fans, he and his band, The Boomtown Rats, have been in talks to re-boot the 1979 No. 1 sometime next Sunday afternoon.<br /><br />Its release the following day is timed to coincide with Monday itself in the hope that it will raise awareness of the global effects of post-weekend depression (which many Wirraliens suffer from and have claimed benefits for).<br /><br />The political activist and TV producer, in Birkenhead to publicise the event as part of a whistle-stop, world-wide press tour, explained his decision to go back into the studio again.<br /><br />'As a single parent and </span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nobel_Peace_Prize" title="Nobel Peace Prize">Nobel Peace Prize </a>nominee, I feel strongly about how our society has turned our backs on our fellow human beings', he said over an overlooked breakfast in Burst's cafe this afternoon.<br /><br />'Every Monday, all over the world, people are returning to work with little or nothing to look forward to except the following weekend. Some feel the desperation and hopelessness they experience are too much to bear and simply refuse to address their problems, resulting in a massive loss in work-hours to the nation.'<br /></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span>Sir Robert, 68, hopes to re-define current industrial rights legislation by repealing a law that forbids the playing of the record during work hours. The law, enacted in 1982, states that public performances that incite discontent in the workplace be limited only to businesses that operate after 6pm.<br /><br />In 1984, Sham 69 singer, Jimmy Pursey, was fined £250 when irate Czech roofers refused to complete work on the new <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feargal_Sharkey" title="Feargal Sharkey">Feargal Sharkey</a> airport in Dublin after playing the band's 'Hersham Boys' continually during their 56-hour roof-top protest. In the aftermath of the trial, several members of top bands committed suicide and, as a result, the entire UK music industry collapsed.<br /></span><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br />Musicians such as Geldof and fellow human rights campaigner Iggy Pop, claim untold financial hardship due to the ban. Sir Bob aims to highlight what they see as loss of earnings by releasing the new single and a possible follow-up the next day.<br /><br />'If the song takes off, we have plans to record a sequel,' claimed the Live Aid creator and Irish author/actor. 'During our research into global clinical depression, we discovered that hundreds of thousands of people are similarly disaffected after Bank Holiday. So our new song, 'F**k Tuesdays', will be spearheading the campaign to raise awareness of their terrible plight.'<br /><br />The Wirral Groan asked the knight if his celebrity showbiz chums would be recording the song with him but he replied that that was Band Aid.<br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span>BRUTE!http://www.blogger.com/profile/08660885644991233801noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7107854484672111249.post-59365914031732293872010-04-01T11:41:00.005+01:002010-04-01T12:32:18.803+01:00Showbiz World Shocked as Pric Comes Out!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.citygold.me.uk/where-now/images/peter-price.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 151px; height: 170px;" src="http://www.citygold.me.uk/where-now/images/peter-price.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:78%;" >by our celebrity correspondent Neil Spredham</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Wirral showbiz world was brought to its knees this week as celebrity DJ and campaigner Pete Pric revealed that he is gay.</span></span><br /><br />Pric, known for his charitable work throughout the region, leaked the news to stunned reporters on Monday at a gala premiere of his latest panto, Canal Street Memories, at New Brighton's historic Floral Pavilion.<br /><br />Onlookers, some of them pensioners, gasped in incredulity as Pric, 86, dropped the bombshell shortly before taking to the stage. One, a Mrs. Olive-Ann Breathe, of Menstrual Avenue, Egremont, could hardly contain her disappointment at the news. 'Pete has long been a shining beacon of masculinity in a tawdry world of flagrant homosexuality', she cried into a sodden Kleenex. 'Now, I may have to boycott the Floral and his new pantomime altogether'.<br /><br />Diego Vigilante, 109, is another whose preconceptions have been shattered. 'I've been a fan of Pete's since his rendition of Elton John's ''Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me'' went into the charts in 1982,' he grimaced involuntarily. 'I can hardly believe he bats for the other team'.<br /><br />Pric, whose tenure as outspoken DJ for local radio station KYMC came to an end recently, has long been an rigorous campaigner and is known for his charity work for local rollerblading groups, nocturnal hiking associations and 'Save the Bear' wildlife societies.<br /><br />However, in the wake of his recent revelations, many of these groups have turned their backs on the celebrity in order to distance themselves from any fall-out. Even stalwart showbiz pals such as Claire Sweeney and Ken Dodd have refused to support the embattled former DJ, claiming that their fan-base includes many impressionable teenagers who may forswear heterosexual relationships in light of Pric's declaration.<br /><br />'Me ma is dead against any sort of bum-botherage,' insisted Sweeney from her palatial home in Neswall's fashionable footballer ghetto today. 'I feel sorry for Pete but if he thinks the good people of the Wirral will tolerate his gay lifestyle, he's in for a huge come-uppance'.<br /><br />Reports are emerging today that sponsors for the panto are withdrawing their support, with brands such as Man-tuna Tea and refrigeration giants, Kevineater, removing their names from the Floral Pavilion web site.<br /><br />The embattled star was seen today secretly entering his interior designer partner's abode via the rear entrance, looking very down-in-the-mouth.BRUTE!http://www.blogger.com/profile/08660885644991233801noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7107854484672111249.post-28605225176698352032010-03-17T16:18:00.011+00:002010-03-28T11:29:10.155+01:00Residents 'Paranoid' over Strange Sky Trails.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/S6EKxods4fI/AAAAAAAAA6I/4cdGzJFpwZI/s1600-h/chems.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 252px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/S6EKxods4fI/AAAAAAAAA6I/4cdGzJFpwZI/s400/chems.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5449648871886873074" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;"><br /></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-size:78%;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />by our science fiction correspondent <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;"> </span></span></span><span><span style="font-size:78%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Ken Trail</span></span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /><br />Several dozen Wirral residents have voiced concerns about strange smoke trails seen over the peninsula this week, prompting activists in the area to call for an inquiry into what they see as a conspiracy to reduce unemployment in the area.<br /><br /></span><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Monday 15 March:</span><br /><br />Wirral Groan staff were besieged with a few reports of strange 'chem trails' criss-crossing the skies over Liverpool and New Brighton </span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-size:85%;">yesterday</span></span><span style="font-size:100%;"> <span style="font-size:85%;">caused by dozens of unidentified planes flying in regular patterns throughout the day.<br /><br />Angry residents, worried that the chemicals may carry health-threatening properties, today were up in arms over the mysterious flights and blame sinister global societies intent on culling the region's jobless.<br /><br />Chem trails were also spotted in places as far away as Canada and China, giving rise to fears that the flights are part of a fiendish plan to reduce the world's currently rampant unemployment figures. Campaigners plan to link the 'chem trails' with dwindling benefit claims and recent closures of local 'Job' Centres.<br /><br />Vikram Tollemache, of watchdog group RESPECT (Report Extra Suspicious Planes Emitting Chem Trails), told our science fiction correspondent that the aircraft have been flying mystery missions over the area since the early 70s.<br /><br />'Our fears that unknown aircraft spotted spewing unheralded vapours over the Wirral have gone unheeded until now', he confessed over a tepid vindaloo at Magic Spaz this afternoon. 'However, our colleagues at Vancouver's renowned Skywatch facility in Canada have reported seeing an increase in this type of air traffic, leading us to conclude that some sort of illegal contamination of the world's sperm supply is underway, obviously originating from a secret base somewhere in the Aigburth area of Merseyside'.<br /><br />Aigburth has been prominent in reports of secret society activity in recent years after its controversial hosting of the Bilderberg Group's annual lunch and disco, normally held on Wednesdays.<br /><br />However, due to picketing by anarchist groups intent on disrupting the event, global security forces, concerned over the safety of world leaders attending the event, have now moved it to Thursdays.<br /><br />The Wirral Globe contacted several air bases in the area but their spokesman said </span></span><img src="file:///C:/Users/Aidan/AppData/Local/Temp/moz-screenshot.png" alt="" /><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-size:85%;">that their flight paths were 'erratic' and 'up in the air'.<br /><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span> </span><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dyiD2lPuq8bSqhogUJzQsTWa4O4fhnuTDHJceW_j4CxarpMBdeLZ-aGXpmM9J865I9nrU-tTyVeQe49rJYy8A' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe><span style="font-size:78%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">chem trail clip by Andy</span></span>BRUTE!http://www.blogger.com/profile/08660885644991233801noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7107854484672111249.post-56998258190091880422010-03-16T18:23:00.008+00:002010-03-17T16:07:40.819+00:00Vintage Pub Torched by Yob<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.southlondon-today.co.uk/tn/content/newsimages/d2331.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 290px; height: 298px;" src="http://www.southlondon-today.co.uk/tn/content/newsimages/d2331.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">by our crime correspondent</span> <span style="font-style: italic;">Vince-Sendiary de Vice</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Tens of disgruntled alcoholics were today mourning the loss of their favourite drinking hole</span> <span style="font-weight: bold;">as Wirral firemen struggled to extinguish its smouldering remains.</span><br /><br />Emergency services were called out to New Brighton's fashionable Victoria Rd. district early this morning to find its most popular drinking establishment consumed by fire.<br /><br />Reports that the fire was set by a local thug were confirmed by onlookers drinking in the pub at the time.<br /><br />The pub, Peggy O'Fuckery's, owned by one-time Blackwater op and Mersey fisheries specialist, Filmore Loons, of Lower Expectation Rd., Seacombe, claims that the fire was caused by a local man who had been refused alcohol on a number of previous occasions.<br /><br />The man, a former welder on the soon-to-be-demolished NewboDome, had become marginally disenfranchised when his demands for a final pint had been denied. Minutes later, the conflagration occurred, spreading throughout the bar and to the relaxation area outside.<br /><br />'Customers are well aware that we do not allow smoking on the premises', said Loons, 45, from the safety of his blog today. 'So, it was quite a surprise to see large flaming sections of the building's historic roof fall in on the regulars still imbibing at the time'.<br /><br />The police, who rushed to the scene of the crime five hours later, were said to be looking for a man in his early thirties sporting a distinctive red and yellow hair-cut, last seen running screaming down Victoria Rd and into the Mersey.<br /><br />Local cockle pickers were sent to the river to search for the body.<br /><br />Peggy's, whose reputation in the neighborhood has stabilised since the police were called in to quell anti-chem trail riots earlier this year, won the Pub of the Year award in 1922 for its elegantly-distressed interior.<br /><br />However, may local residents have expressed delight at the pub's demise, citing debris left by carousing revellers intent on after-hours mayhem. Others, however, are dismayed to see the landmark hostelry destroyed and mourn the passing of the legendary boozer.<br /><br />'Without Peggy's, there will be very little for pensioners and teenagers in the area to do', complained Margaret 'Flaps' McGuigan, a 55 year-old ex-delicatessen manageress from nearby Waterloo Rd.<br />'To date, one in five of New Brighton residents have been conceived on the premises. It's loss will be a tragic blow to many in the community'.<br /><br />However, a scheme that enables funding from a 'twinned' town has been considered. Unfortunately, New Brighton is twinned with Nosbeki, a town 200 miles from Uganda, that was tragically burned to the ground by rebel forces at the weekend.BRUTE!http://www.blogger.com/profile/08660885644991233801noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7107854484672111249.post-27211183425597120922010-03-16T10:10:00.006+00:002010-03-16T10:25:59.735+00:00Grab a gran at Delaya's LoungeBy our Nightlife correspondent Binge Downs<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3047/3040659449_76fe943af6.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 500px; height: 407px;" src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3047/3040659449_76fe943af6.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">New Brighton is already heating up this spring down at the double glazed delights of Delaya's Lounge as they reveal their new resident DJ to star alongside the Cockmiester.</span><br /><br />DJ Berryl of New Brighton Community Centre luncheon club has signed a six month residency at the all star night spot. Not your average clubber, Berryl, 82 of Hope Street New Brighton, is a relative new comer to the wheels of steel.<br /><br />"My grandson needed some money fast and Crack Convertors wasn't taking any more decks since the closure of Marbars" said Berryl over a plate of watery instant mash potatoes. "So I decided to help my grandson out and buy them off him. He set them up for me at our luncheon club and within hours everyone had stood up and was wiggling their sticks in the air like they just didn't care".<br /><br />Celebrity Grans have become all the rage in the Paris club scene recently and here at the Groan we can't help but feel New Brighton is a bit of its own left bank too.<br /><br />"We're ecstatic to get some fresh DJ blood into this place" said Cocky Snr outside the Lounge as 5 track suited minors were escorted out of the premisses and up into JR's. "Our Jnr cock has been on these decks for pure time. He needs a break and maybe some serious competition will improve his mixing."<br /><br />DJ Berryl is set to debut on Friday 19th March and reservations are recommended as a big turn out from the local homes is expected.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7107854484672111249.post-10070397146928161572010-03-09T12:10:00.010+00:002010-03-16T10:28:52.847+00:00Wirral Author in New Book Shock!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/S5ZZlpYjarI/AAAAAAAAA6A/YZ7DzM_wZFo/s1600-h/booksign_bennett.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 330px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/S5ZZlpYjarI/AAAAAAAAA6A/YZ7DzM_wZFo/s400/booksign_bennett.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5446639302650063538" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;"><br /><span style="font-style: italic;"><br /></span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><i><br /></i></div><div><span style="font-size:78%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">By our literary correspondent Simon le Dole</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;">Wirral-born author and 80's day-time TV celebrity, Maxwell Ferret, returns home this weekend to publicise the launch of his new book. </span><br /><br />Promising 'another fistful of stories featuring cowboys, hooligans, pig farmers, Romans, sailors and squaddies', the collection, entitled <a style="font-style: italic;" href="http://arc.co.uk/ibrute/buy.html">'I, BRUTE!'</a> will be available from his web site some time in the near future, probably.<br /><br />Slumped behind a desolate desk in Conway Street's Books 4 Less, Ferret, 62, now a alcohol-dependency consultant in London's glamorous Elephant & Castle re-development ghetto, claims that, if not for the treachery of everyone concerned, he would have made it by now.<br /><br />He sees 'I, BRUTE!' as his last chance to capitalise on the success of 'his' earlier book and spread awareness of the brand (defunct since 1987).<br /><br />'Back then, we, I mean, I, ruled the world', exclaimed Ferret, his vintage neporene cycling shirt betraying evidence of elderly beer stainage. 'We had several TV shows and books to my credit'.<br /><br />But it was his betrayal by those closest to him that led to his downfall. 'You have to look at it rationally,' he says. 'The lying, the cheating and the theft left me with virtually no-one to turn to but I was up to my ears in debt, guns and drugs at the time, so I'm forgiven'.<br /><br />Ferret waxed nostalgic over the extremes of the 80s: the ad revenues, the free liquid lunches and the knife assaults on elderly TV producers. Did he regret them?<br /><br />'It was the Yuppy Era!' he exclaimed. 'It was normal in those days for thrusting entrepreneurs like me to take credit for work created by others so it's hardly my fault those I worked for felt disenfranchised by my behaviour. But let's not forget - it was all their fault!'.<br /><br />Veteran of such TV triumphs as BRUTE!'s Adventures of Sizzler (since re-mastered into a wheelie bin), Ferret now sees his future through severely rose-tinted spectacles.<br /><br />'While others capitalised on my success and forged themselves viable careers in the media, I sat off and obliterated the cold reality of what my life had become with copious amounts of drugs whilst endlessly re-compiling my past glories into this new book. It's been almost 25 years but now I've completed the work!'<br /><br />Sensing his exasperation, I nervously asked him why he had taken so long to write his slim bookletette. 'I spent my every waking hour outside of prison taking care of my son (except public holidays and pub opening hours). That's why I called my publishing company Good Dad'.<br /><br />Priced at a mere 10 quid (and containing an even merer 25 pages), Ferret hopes to hook younger readers bored with politically-correct super heroes and feminist wizardry.<br /><br />'Harry Potter isn't fit to scrape the saloon piles from my wrinkled scrotal sac,' spat Ferret bitterly into his pint.<br /><br />'He's unrepresentative of modern youth with their guns, drugs and STDs. 'I, Brute!' will put this modern generation into perspective, admittedly from a perspective of a lonely, drink-ravaged pensioner with no job.'<br /><br />Ferret will be touring the UK, reading extracts from his book, in the coming months. A quick tour of his web-site discloses no details but then it's not possible to buy the book from there either.<br /><br />'Those web-site guys have betrayed me!' he raged, dislodging a set of borrowed dentures. 'If it wasn't for them, I'd be raking it in now!'</div>BRUTE!http://www.blogger.com/profile/08660885644991233801noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7107854484672111249.post-57928325463649399462009-03-18T09:03:00.002+00:002009-11-05T13:26:58.917+00:00Jobcentres Report New Jobs Shock<span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Times are hard the world over but Wirral Jobcentres are reporting a huge surge in vacancies in the area.</span></span><br /><br />Workers in Birkenhead's Conwat St. branch revealed yesterday that up to a dozen jobs have become available for the first time in decades and many have expressed surprise that the region's normally depressed vacancy market has swelled to pre-1914 levels.<br /><br />'We've been inundated with companies requiring part- and full-time staff,' said Lil Sambeaux, employment re-enabler for the Birkenhead JC. 'Its staggering considering there is a credit crunch on'.<br /><br />Staff, who normally while away their day perusing the Wirral Groan and shuffling ancient claim forms, have been sifting through piles of CV's in an attempt to match claimants to the new career opportunities.<br /><br />'We haven't seen such a<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/39766000/jpg/_39766567_jobcentreplus_203.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 203px; height: 152px;" src="http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/39766000/jpg/_39766567_jobcentreplus_203.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a> surge in vacancies since Neptune Developments built the airship docking tower after the first world war,' beamed Lil from within the Kevlar enclosure that surrounds the Jobcentre's reception area.<br /><br />'Many elderly folk are coming in just to stare at and fondle the new job cards', she said. 'And school leavers are being teased by their parents for applying'.<br /><br />One job-seeker, who asked that his name be withheld for fear of vengeance enacted upon him by jealous jobless, fears that many of the jobs on offer will remain unclaimed.<br /><br />'Me mates won't do these type of jobs', revealed Kirsten Doomed, 16. 'Instead, they prefer to wait until Cammell Lairds re-opens'.<br /><br />Hundreds of claimants have since applied for the jobs indicating that, despite the stigma, many are still keen to work as bailiffs and counter clerks at employment agencies.<br /><br />'Almost all of the vacancies are for workers at our own branch', smiled Val, ironically. 'One of the positive aspects of the economic downturn is that they will be enabling waves of school leavers in finding careers in rent-retrieval and supermarket trolley re-alignment'.<br /><br />However, others were not so impressed by the Wirral work windfall. Wiilliam Sitov, of the Unworkers Union, declared many of the jobs were part of a statistical fraud designed to fool claimants back into work.<br /><br />'Our members have a right to unemployment benefits and risk having their Guitar Hero scores undermined whilst at work', he spat. 'We seek to uncover these strategies and have them back where they belong, on t'dole'.BRUTE!http://www.blogger.com/profile/08660885644991233801noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7107854484672111249.post-69474472492674807192009-03-04T12:30:00.007+00:002009-03-04T13:30:29.786+00:00Chaotic Scenes at Library Sale<a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/Sa598RG69nI/AAAAAAAAAxE/JfHvlRoayBA/s1600-h/penlib.jpg"><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" ><span style="font-size:100%;">By our crime correspondent <span>Lance Boil</span></span></span></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/Sa598RG69nI/AAAAAAAAAxE/JfHvlRoayBA/s1600-h/penlib.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/Sa598RG69nI/AAAAAAAAAxE/JfHvlRoayBA/s320/penlib.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5309319485054449266" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br />An elderly woman was arrested and a bus shelter left practically disabled as the Grand Wallasey Library Book Sale got underway yesterday.</span><br /><br />Amid scenes of chaos, thousands of local elderly stormed past burly security in an attempt to buy the remnants of Earlston Library's literary stock.<br /><br />Thousands of titles were frenziedly snatched and bundled away by the ancient readers, many of whom were alive when the books themselves were written.<br /><br />Unemployed librarian, Pippa Hiss, 19, remained resolutely aghast when I spoke with her today. 'Many of our elderly readers were keen to get their hands on sale items', explained Pippa over a limpid cereal this morning.<br /><br />'The trouble started when two grans, known as local troublemakers, began fighting over one particular Mills and Boon title. Suddenly, all Hell broke loose!'<br /><br />Police were called when neighbours from as far away as Neswall complained of loud crackling as fights erupted and tons of rare paperbacks were set ablaze.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.enjoyfrance.com/images/stories/france/news/paris_riots.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 309px; height: 213px;" src="http://www.enjoyfrance.com/images/stories/france/news/paris_riots.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>Despite reports of over 200 stabbings, glassings and renal failures, police were only able to arrest one 89 year-old woman, who attempted to assault constables with a wheelchair before being subdued with a lawful brain injury.<br /><br />Wirral Police confirmed the incident took place, but said by the time they were called the thugs had dispersed.<br /><br />'They were just too quick for us', a police spokesperson admitted, eventually.BRUTE!http://www.blogger.com/profile/08660885644991233801noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7107854484672111249.post-49279067148837065642009-02-10T11:04:00.011+00:002009-02-10T14:29:58.377+00:00Nep Dev's Gyrodome Will Reduce Benefit Fraud, says Tax man<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/SZGE0dWSXPI/AAAAAAAAAsk/LDffzIdFpuE/s1600-h/Girodome.jpg"><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:78%;" ><span style="font-style: italic;">by our architectural correspondent Wade Bridge</span></span></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/SZGE0dWSXPI/AAAAAAAAAsk/LDffzIdFpuE/s1600-h/Girodome.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 397px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/SZGE0dWSXPI/AAAAAAAAAsk/LDffzIdFpuE/s400/Girodome.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5301164273157954802" border="0" /></a><a id="publishButton" class="cssButton" href="javascript:void(0)" onclick="if (this.className.indexOf("ubtn-disabled") == -1) {var e = document['stuffform'].publish;(e.length) ? e[0].click() : e.click(); if (window.event) window.event.cancelBubble = true; return false;}" target=""></a><span style="font-size:180%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">T</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;">he latest step in Neptune Developments' continuing goal to cleanse the Wirral went one step further today when plans to build the new extension of Morrisons' Welfare to Work HQ were given the go-ahead by local planning chiefs.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;">A lucrative partnership between global online bank Paypunk, web entrepreneurs Goddle and Illuminartzy, a financial cabal bent on total world domination, have engineered the construction, set to start in nearby 2010.<br /><br />Traditionally aghast residents were predictably skeptical when news about the 365 euro development was leaked to the regulars in the Foil and Zippo pub, Conwat St. yesterday, at a special protest meeting that continued well into the early hours.<br /><br />'Since the proposal to build the new Girodome here in Birkenhead went through, protest groups in the area have gone into overdrive,' said retired undercover benefits fraud strategist, Vaughn Halen, 55, basking in the warmth from a nearby Ginster's this morning.<br /><br />'Some of us have spent our lives, and those of our grandmas, unemployed in the shadow of the Liver Bird. While Euro hand-outs and culture grants have spilled like manna from Heaven into the open hands of scousers, here in Birkenhead all we're good for is a unworkers processing facility!'<br /><br />The new centre is planned to handle the claims of over 450,000 'customers', who will have to travel from all over Britain to receive hourly benefits in a bid to reduce fraud.<br /><br />Once inside, claimants will have five different departments, or levels, to conquer before receiving their hand-out: Housing, Unemployment, Disability, Tagging and Incineration.<br /><br />Inland Revenue report claimant complaints have plummeted 100% since they started the project in Uganda five years ago and hope to do the same in with several thousand of the OSS cemtres being planned for the North of England and the world as a whole.<br /><br />Town planners are expected to demand an extension to the Farmer's Market to help cope with the influx of hungry unworkers.<br /></span>BRUTE!http://www.blogger.com/profile/08660885644991233801noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7107854484672111249.post-8989555262383430152009-01-22T13:01:00.004+00:002009-01-22T14:14:31.321+00:00New Report Urges Reform in Sexual Assault Amenities<span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">An alarming report has uncovered a serious lack of amenities for sexual assault victims on Merseyside and Birkenhead as a whole.</span></span><br /><br />The Wirral Groan's research department, Kelly, has uncovered the stark facts, lain buried for decades, on how the sad and helplessly lonely victims of groping and worse have failed to be supported by local groups on Merseyside.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.abc.net.au/reslib/200711/r200182_765996.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 144px; height: 107px;" src="http://www.abc.net.au/reslib/200711/r200182_765996.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Vadge Witherspoon</span> is a 45 year-old mother of eight who lives within walking distance of the Olde Machete Saloon in Leasowe Rd.<br /><br />When she was just 44, she was made to feel moderately dis-empowered by a middle-aged relative during a impromptu seance.<br /><br />Since then, her fear of sex and the supernatural has resulted in the loss of a husband and the job she loved.<br /><br />'My experience isn't uncommon.' said Vadge, who has since asked that her identity and those of her four children, <span style="font-weight: bold;">Hurt, Hit</span> and <span style="font-weight: bold;">Fed</span>, be disguised.<br /><br />'I found that most of my fellow victims had nowhere to meet and that there were <a href="http://sexassault.meetup.com/cities/gb/birkenhead/">no sexual assault support meetup groups near Birkenhead</a> whatsoever'.<br /><br />That's when Vadge decided to start up a local group, WVONSAMGW (Wirral Victims of No Sexual Assault Support Meetup Groups Whatsoever) to help those who felt that their resource network infrastructure was not being socially enabled.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/SXh6_bKPiqI/AAAAAAAAAqE/8dlVInnCZT8/s1600-h/shankly01.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 137px; height: 121px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/SXh6_bKPiqI/AAAAAAAAAqE/8dlVInnCZT8/s320/shankly01.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5294116592015084194" border="0" /></a><br />Wirral MP, Shankly Hacker, who initiated the report, agrees. 'Its been difficult for victims of lack of sexual assault support groups to come forward for fear of derision by the public after the inevitable exposure when the media limelight explodes in their faces!' spat Hacker, still vulnerable after pictures of his recent public spat with Girls Akimbo singer, Mareeeesha, were sold to the Sunday Sponk for 300 quid.<br /><br /><br />The Wirral Groan contacted over 160 groups and asked if they had any special events planned for victims of lack of sexual assault support facilities but most of them were on tour or in bed.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Do you know of any Sexual Assault workshops in your area?<br />Would you like to meet others interested in Sexual Assault?<br />Are you currently on the Sex Offenders Register?</span> <span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />Write to our lively Wirral Groan letters page!</span></span>BRUTE!http://www.blogger.com/profile/08660885644991233801noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7107854484672111249.post-88607402160549275062009-01-22T12:12:00.007+00:002009-01-22T12:40:46.177+00:00Wirral Food Shortage Thwarted!<span style="font-size:78%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">by our welfare correspondent Sid Ovsky</span></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/SXhooYf0EmI/AAAAAAAAAp8/68SdykH2U3E/s1600-h/MASSIVE+EEL+copy.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 225px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/SXhooYf0EmI/AAAAAAAAAp8/68SdykH2U3E/s400/MASSIVE+EEL+copy.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5294096404953961058" /></a><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">A potentially devastating peninsula-wide food shortage was narrowly averted this morning when a monstrous eel was discovered stranded on the banks of the River Mersey.</span></span><br /><br />Pensioners, many who have had grave problems staying alive during this winter's credit crunch, were jubilant at the find.<br /><br />'Most of us have never seen so much food before', marveled elderly ex-librarian and swimming instructor Chuck Dickinson, 76. 'Not since the spectacular giant squid find of 1947 which the Wirral dined on for three years'.<br /><br />Stunned onlookers looked on stunned as local Chinese swarmed over the giant eel carcass, (rumoured to be three football pitches long and almost as wide as Kerry Katona), cutting the meat into strips for sale in the Farmer's Market later on today.<br /><br />The Wirral Groan asked our resident culinary expert to come up with a suitable menu.<br /><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Take seven hundredweight of eel and add to boiling water</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Strain off the scum and put it into a plastic bin liner.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Allow to congeal.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Add hair and human excrement.</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Send to Wallasey Town Hall.</span></span>BRUTE!http://www.blogger.com/profile/08660885644991233801noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7107854484672111249.post-23335899382528424132009-01-21T15:15:00.000+00:002009-01-21T17:32:40.380+00:00Global Unworkers Union Chooses Wirral for Conference Venue.<span style="font-style: italic;font-size:78%;" >by our welfare correspondent Sid Ovski</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/SXbpWt0fvSI/AAAAAAAAApY/rojj8cW1hkU/s1600-h/dGafu.JPG"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/SXbpWt0fvSI/AAAAAAAAApY/rojj8cW1hkU/s320/dGafu.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5293674988486769954" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:78%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Last year's Montreal conference broke attendance records</span></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">The DGAFU, the international unworkers union, is to choose the Wirral for its annual conference in 2010. </span><span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /><br />The event, which barely attracts more than a handful of its global 240 million membership, is in its 90th year and is set to draw crowds from as far away as Wales.</span></span></span><br /><br />The DGAFU, who were formed not long after the stock market crash of the 1920's, have endured world wars and recessions and have survived despite almost continual lack of support from its own members.<br /><br />Lloyd Winston, Head of the Institute of Advanced Inactivity, spoke to the Groan about the need for a conference no one bothers to attend. 'We feel that, as the credit crunch deepens, many people no longer take us seriously as a union, ' explained the esteemed academician from the rich mahogany of a supporting mantelpiece yesterday.<br /><br />'Here, in the Wirral, there are a steadfast nation of fellow unworkers who, we hope, will swell the ranks of this year's conference'.<br /><br />He emphasised the importance of maintaining the traditions of the union and its devotion to its core beliefs. 'The DGAFU have been giving slackers a bad name since 1929 and we hope to be able to be bothered to do so in future'.<br /><br />Despite the set-backs, the DGAFU have been unable to attend several political demonstrations this year. They were absent from most major unemployment rallies and only managed to complete one engagement, the Sunbathing for Darfur charity marathon which they later revealed they entered by mistake.<br /><br />Several of their original members are from Merseyside. Roy Lake, 77, of Lower Expectation Rd. Seacombe, used to be a full-time unworker until he slipped and broke both of his benefits in a fall. He now suffers from a full-time job working as a leisure consultant for Slactivities Incorporated, a branch of the Bonidal group.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:cVIb55_TvvlKnM:http://www.imjoe.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/couch-potato.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 123px; height: 123px;" src="http://tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:cVIb55_TvvlKnM:http://www.imjoe.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/couch-potato.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Roy Lake yesterday (Guitar Hero score 420000)</span></span><br />'I'd not worked a proper job since I retired from me paper round in 1942,' murmured Roy, splaying idly across the cushioned upholstery of a late 19th-century embroidered ottoman. 'Without the grants, benefits, loans, workshops and courses I very much doubt people like me could have lasted as long as we have'.<br /><br />Roy explained how, over the years, he'd aided both Tory and Labour governments during his years as an unworker. 'Without my continual presence on courses such as Wirral DJ Initiative and New Ferry Scrapheap Challenge, the powers-that-be would have had to own up to the true unemployment figures and stop burying our fellow unworkers in the stats!'<br /><br />Despite vast numbers of unworkers failing to show up for last year's conference in Montreal, DGAFU chairman, Bob Nodofalot, has high hopes for the Wirral meet. 'We're sponsored by Nintendo, Pizza Lab and several growers' organisations,' he murmured, eventually.'Lenny Henry, one of our most well-known members, has agreed to give out the Golden Giro awards too!'<br /><br />But word on the streets wasn't confirming his positive outlook. Jobless, ex-soft furnishings consultant Rocky Burns, reckons it will all be a waste of time. 'I never went to last year's and this year will be no different', he shrugged noncommittally over an abandoned breakfast last night.<br /><br />Mr. Burns, 56, who recently moved back to his mother's house after a chip pan set his sofa on fire, claims he is not affiliated to any unworkers' union and prefers to remain independent, adding, 'I just can't be arsed'.<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.freewebs.com/ffm_05/Kane%20n%20Tone%20off%20Scally%20Central.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 150px; height: 97px;" src="http://www.freewebs.com/ffm_05/Kane%20n%20Tone%20off%20Scally%20Central.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;"><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">Unworkers riot in a storm of violent protest at recent benefit cuts</span></span><br /><br />Tickets will be available for the DGAFU Conference from Conway St. Jobcentre or any branch of Netherspoons.BRUTE!http://www.blogger.com/profile/08660885644991233801noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7107854484672111249.post-81285778114851290482009-01-16T15:22:00.004+00:002009-01-16T15:46:06.789+00:00Council leader ‘hit by bus’<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_3pMVydjMi6w/SXCmh8ozK3I/AAAAAAAAAtk/Ij5OmUb5AG0/s1600-h/arsog_buscrash.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 257px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_3pMVydjMi6w/SXCmh8ozK3I/AAAAAAAAAtk/Ij5OmUb5AG0/s400/arsog_buscrash.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5291912664303479666" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br />Labour council leader, Cllr Fuckups, was in a stable but serious condition last night, after being hit by a bus full of protestors at one of the Wirral’s many lollipop lady-free road crossings.</span><br /><br />Cllr Fuckups was leaving Wallasey Town hall after a heated public meeting in which he delivered a fatal stroke to swimming and reading fans across the borough.<br /><br />Onlookers spoke of the total carnage caused to the Stagemaster single decker bus as it tried to dodge the unpopular councilor. Fortunately for Fuckups, the bus clipped his left rear pocket, hitting only his wallet and causing the bus to flip violently into a nearby lamppost.<br /><br />Six elderly protestors were also taken to Arrow Park hospital suffering from mild burns caused by falling hashish rocks.<br /><br />The accident was embarrassing for Cllr Fuckups, who had only recently scrapped all funding for Wirral’s persecuted lollipop ladies.<br /><br />Only minutes before, Cllr Fuckups had made a passionate plea in support of leisure cuts claiming, “If I was to be hit by a bus tomorrow, there would still be the budget issues and problems for this council”. He was run down by the packed 433 bus (4pm every second Thursday).<br /><br />Merseyside police say they are investigating the incident, while Labour Councilor’s are claiming the incident was provoked by a <a href="http://www.facebook.com/groups.php?ref=sb#/group.php?gid=36938458013">Conservative Councilors Facebook page</a>.<br /><br />Cllr Fuckups wasn’t available for comment but a spokesperson for Labour said he was recovering at a secret location in the Bahamas with Neptune Developments physician, Dr Strangelove.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7107854484672111249.post-83458272258934291462009-01-13T12:52:00.007+00:002009-01-16T15:42:38.529+00:00Readers' Newbodome pics<span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><br />Since the <a href="http://wirralgroan.blogspot.com/2008/12/newbodome-construction-steams-ahead.html">Newbodome</a> began construction way back in November of last year, dozens of Wirraliens have sent in their photographs to the Groan. Here's a selection.</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.strangeharvest.com/mt/archive/n-village2.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="http://www.strangeharvest.com/mt/archive/n-village2.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" >Wirraliens relax in the newly-refurbished Playas Lounge, New Brighton</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/SWygpFdoLmI/AAAAAAAAAmI/1T7tByW6Fb0/s1600-h/chavdome.JPG"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 268px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/SWygpFdoLmI/AAAAAAAAAmI/1T7tByW6Fb0/s400/chavdome.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5290780289955016290" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" >Thanks to Kev Larr for this lovely pic of his brother Craig, shortly before his brain scan.</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/SWygpKVp9pI/AAAAAAAAAmA/ELgZ1K1WCnQ/s1600-h/morrisonHQ.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 270px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/SWygpKVp9pI/AAAAAAAAAmA/ELgZ1K1WCnQ/s400/morrisonHQ.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5290780291263755922" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Holidaymakers enjoy a day by the new Morrisons InStyle HQ</span></span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/SWygo2Uj8pI/AAAAAAAAAl4/TgDhUXwU4Fw/s1600-h/hoylakedome+copy+copy.JPG"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 396px; height: 220px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/SWygo2Uj8pI/AAAAAAAAAl4/TgDhUXwU4Fw/s400/hoylakedome+copy+copy.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5290780285890458258" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" >Thanks to Bebbington Balloonies for this aerial pic of West Kirby</span>BRUTE!http://www.blogger.com/profile/08660885644991233801noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7107854484672111249.post-80932389179427067942009-01-12T11:43:00.001+00:002009-01-12T12:17:21.608+00:00Wirral Doctor claims ‘miracle weight loss’ cure<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_3pMVydjMi6w/SWss_UvuZtI/AAAAAAAAAsc/fYt26KN_LGs/s1600-h/Dr_EnEmHah+.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_3pMVydjMi6w/SWss_UvuZtI/AAAAAAAAAsc/fYt26KN_LGs/s400/Dr_EnEmHah+.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5290371653689042642" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:85%;" >Dr En Em Hah and his staff</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >With the looming cuts in recreation and sports centers, a new dieting craze has hit the Wirral, guaranteeing a 100% success rate. The Wirral Groan’s celebrity weight gain correspondent, Lippa Sucktions, spoke to ‘Dr Diet’ about his miracle cure.</span><br /><br />I arrived at the luxurious new office complex of the The Wirral Weigh-In Centre around midday. Located in <a href="http://wirralgroan.blogspot.com/2008/12/newbodome-construction-steams-ahead.html">Newbodome's</a> newly-completed <a href="http://wirralgroan.blogspot.com/2009/01/newbodome-construction-nears-final.html">health and incapacity benefit processing quarter</a>, or ‘Section B-FAT’, as it is known to developers and police.<br /><br />After over-indulging on Lambrini dips and Turkey swirls over Christmas, I was keen to meet up with the Wirral’s new weight loss guru.<br /><br />Hailing from Noctorum, but originally from North Korea, Dr En Em Hah, or ‘Dr Diet’ as he is known to locals, claims he has found the ultimate dieting solution. For a one-off consultation fee of £285+VAT., Dr Diet guarantees drastic weight loss, or your money back.<br /><br />The waiting room is packed with love-handled WAGS and <a href="http://wirralgroan.blogspot.com/search/label/Celebrity">Wirral celebrities</a>, who were first in line to take advantage of Dr Diet’s one-step-diet-for-life solution.<br /><br />As I scan the double chins I spot none other than <a href="http://wirralgroan.blogspot.com/search/label/Claire%20Sweeney">Claire Sweeny</a> of local TV fame, shock radio jock <a href="http://wirralgroan.blogspot.com/search/label/Pete%20Pric">Pete Pric</a> perusing a copy of ‘On Heat’ magazine and twelve months pregnant <a href="http://wirralgroan.blogspot.com/search/label/Girls%20Akimbo">Girls Akimbo</a> star, Prentonella.<br /><br />A nurse calls out my name and I am escorted through the glass-floored atrium, with great white sharks and other endangered marine life underfoot, into a spacious glass-walled office overlooking West Wirral’s wet marshlands.<br /><br />From behind the desk (£99 from Arsog office department), a swivel chair (free with Arsog desk) turns slowly and a diminutive. tanned figure, holding a white cat, silhouettes into view. The nurse offers me a protein steak and kidney smoothie and seats me on a piece of expensive Swedish furniture before hastily leaving the room via a glass elevator.<br /><br />“'More thinner than thin', that’s our motto here at The Wirral Weigh-In Centre”, explains Dr En Em Hah.<br /><br />Dr En Em Hah and his team arrived in Wirral hailing from the successful weight loss schemes he had been overseeing in Pyongyang. With up to 98% of the North Korean population drastically underweight, Dr En Em Hah’s radical program was picked up by Wirral delegates on a fact-finding mission to North Korea early last year.<br /><br />Council chiefs were quick to sign a 6-figure contract to secure Hah’s medical knowledge to help tackle Wirral’s alarming obesity problem.<br /><br />Our interview is suddenly cut short as a red phone on the doctors desk starts to ring, alarmingly. Dr En Em Hah explains that an emergency ‘gut bust’ has just taken place on the Four Bridges UN food aid dock terminal complex and we must leave immediately.<br /><br />A team of nurses in tight-fitting spandex outfits grab various tubing and silver brief cases, as we lunge head-first into a Perspex tube which hurtles us to an awaiting helicopter on the 98th floor.<br /><br />As we fly beneath the cloud systems of the Newbodome, dodging Police Helicopters and unmanned drones, Dr En Em Hah continues to explain the success of his 'Waist not Weight' program.<br /><br />“The problem with Wirraliens is that have been feasting on a diet of battered confectionery and imported alcopops for far too long. Our aim is to reduce the levels of fat people to a central planning figure of zero. If you have more than 2mm of fat index your benefits will be scrapped, thus insuring more rapid weight loss is achieved”.<br /><br />The helicopter abruptly lands at the site of the emergency. Police in bio hazard suits have sealed off the area and we are refused entry to the site with Dr En Em Hah and his rapid response team.<br /><br />After several minutes inspecting the scene, the team quickly scoop up all displaced glycerol and hastily embark back into the chopper, flying through Newbodome's higher atmosphere in the direction of Arrow Park.<br /><br />The claims of Dr En Em Hah and his team are yet to be tested but many celebrities have spoken out at the success rate of his program, leaving many Wirraliens considering the pinch as they try to tighten their belts during the predicted 10-year credit crunch ahead of us.<br /><br />I for one have signed up to the program and will report back soon on how many pounds it has cost me.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7107854484672111249.post-3884489318872266912009-01-09T17:23:00.000+00:002009-01-09T17:48:10.919+00:00Newbodome Construction Nears Final Phase<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/SWeJM-Be3uI/AAAAAAAAAlw/BRmaXb1ajtc/s1600-h/newbodome_final.JPG"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 264px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/SWeJM-Be3uI/AAAAAAAAAlw/BRmaXb1ajtc/s400/newbodome_final.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5289347143270588130" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" ><span style="font-size:78%;"><br /><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(102, 204, 204);">click to enlarge</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">By our architectural correspondent Wade Bridge</span></span><br />Documents leaked to the Wirral Groan today reveal the extent of Neptune Developments continuing re-civilization of the peninsula.</span><br /><br />The top secret document graphically shows how the Wirral will be shared out among one stop shop services, benefits conglomerates, large supermarket chains and incorporated leisure amenities.<br /><br />The Dome, currently 75 years ahead of building schedules, reached Rock Ferry an hour ago and can be seen steadily approaching Bromborough and Raby Mear.<br /><br />Over 450,000 workers are currently working double 18-hour shifts, many of them elderly.<br /><br />The map, stolen by a concerned employee worried that his heritage, and that of humanity as a whole, might be endangered should the company's final solution be put into plan was later destroyed by police in an uncontrolled explosion.BRUTE!http://www.blogger.com/profile/08660885644991233801noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7107854484672111249.post-37115700351656523882009-01-08T15:33:00.001+00:002009-01-16T15:42:01.304+00:00Angry scenes greet council leader<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_3pMVydjMi6w/SWYdPp9J42I/AAAAAAAAAsU/5GOHTmnIiAc/s1600-h/newbodome_consuktations.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_3pMVydjMi6w/SWYdPp9J42I/AAAAAAAAAsU/5GOHTmnIiAc/s400/newbodome_consuktations.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5288946967190823778" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Scenes turned ugly last night as Wirral Council met face-to-face with its obese and illiterate electorate. </span><br /><br />Tempers boiled over at the first of a series of planned forum consultations where members of the public were finally given their chance to speak up about the looming <a href="http://wirralgroan.blogspot.com/2008/11/council-closes-wirral.html">closure of Wirral</a>.<br /><br />Council leader, Gary Fuckups, was greeted to boos and shouts of ‘he’s behind you’ from megaphone-faced changing room attendents as he entered the complex, flanked by armed members of the elite <a href="http://wirralgroan.blogspot.com/2008/12/police-cut-out-scheme-to-be-extended.html">cardboard cop unit</a>.<br /><br />The event was held at the soon-to-be-axed Morton Heights Community Centre. Many members of the public were left out in the cold and had to watch the fracas on large plasma screens (Home Style department, Arsog) installed especially for the event while residents were piled twelve deep inside.<br /><br />For the first time, council leaders acknowledged plans for the almost-completed ‘<a href="http://wirralgroan.blogspot.com/2008/12/newbodome-construction-steams-ahead.html">Newbodome</a>’ construction, but donned Masonic insignia when questioned who was funding it.<br /><br />Many residents, angry; elderly; some of them foreign, waited outside for any news they were unable to download from their ifones.<br /><br />“I waited hours in line to get in” exclaimed frustrated freelance culinary toxicologist and former Liscard resident, Vlodick Havalotova, 19. “In my country, when we see a line, we join it. We thought we’d get bread, vodka and free needles,” he exhaled into the minus 28 degree night air.<br /><br />Merseyside police are anticipating more ugly scenes at the next forum event, <a href="http://wirralgroan.blogspot.com/2009/01/cllrs-weather-storm-of-protest.html">due to take place tonight</a>, at New Brighton's newly-constructed welfare-to-party quarter.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7107854484672111249.post-27642694852936068252009-01-08T12:50:00.000+00:002009-01-08T13:31:53.220+00:00Cllrs. Weather Storm of Protest<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/SWX23tdvUqI/AAAAAAAAAlo/iA8mb9vau4s/s1600-h/Floral_cops.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 268px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_JyEL2zzN6JE/SWX23tdvUqI/AAAAAAAAAlo/iA8mb9vau4s/s400/Floral_cops.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5288904774374085282" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:78%;"><span style="font-style: italic;">by our political correspondent Peregrine Falcone</span></span><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Wirral council have called in special riot police to protect councillors from angry residents at tonight's public meeting at the Floral Pavilion, New Brighton</span></span>.<br /><br />After last night's violent demonstrations outside West Kirby Concourse (in which 500 people were injured), security officers recommended that a private firm be brought in to deter protestors and encourage silence amongst the elderly and/or deranged during the debates.<br />Ken Dodd, 127, has also appealed for calm.<br /><br />The debate, which Wirral council have kindly opened to the public, is due to start this evening at 7pm and will allow the councillors to explain exactly which public amenities are to be sold or managed by local gangsters/volunteers.<br /><br />The council wants to be as inclusive as possible,' said cllr. Steve Fukups from the safety of a Kevlar Portakabin. 'That's why we're having this open debate to find out exactly what the public really wants before the hammer comes down.'<br /><br />The police are asking members of the general public to leave automatic weapons at the cloakroom.BRUTE!http://www.blogger.com/profile/08660885644991233801noreply@blogger.com0