Mitt Row over 'Chav Tour'

Republican candidate and presidential hopeful, Mitt Romney, is to set to jet into Birkenhead next week as part of a whistle-stop tour around some of the UK's most disenfranchised communities.

Local leaders are ecstatic that the GOP nominee will be including the town in his itinerary and have plundered council coffers for Romney's 24-hour protection whilst in the community.

Extra security staff will be specially trained in the week leading up to his arrival while dangerous dogs are to be rounded up in a bid to cleanse the region of its less attractive elements.

Grange Rd. yesterday.
Council spokesperson, Brett Exoskeleton, explains. 'While we are pulling out all the stops to make Senator Kerry's stay as comfortable as possible, it's important to remember why the man is here', intoned Exoskeleton from beneath the enveloping warmth of a vintage patchwork eiderdown yesterday. 'He expects to be able to view our scum in order to make his report. How much of that scum we decide to expose Senator McCain to is to be debated over a beer in the Clarence, later'.

However, there are many in the community that feel that the town's inclusion in the tour further diminishes Birkenhead's reputation, already in tatters after being named UK Murder Capital of the Year in a recent Ross Kemp TV special.

Vlad Brokes, vice-chairman of Merseyside-based charity, LOSA (Leave Our Scum Alone), is unconvinced that the tour will do much to provide improvements for local unemployed and that Romney's presence will only reinforce negative stereotyping of chavs.
Brokes, 55, a former Atari parts specialist from Little Nedton, spoke of his concerns from his secret headquarters deep within his mother's house in Rorschach Drive, Little Nedton. 'Romney's concern for our smack-addicted teen mothers is admirable' he said. 'However, the tour's effect on the local community will mean, in the long run, nowt. The area cannot shed its 'Beirut by the Mersey' image simply by removing a few corpses from Birkenhead Park.'

Police are appealing to the local youth to quell anti-social behaviour during the tour and have provided several wheelie bins where they can hand themselves in anonymously. These were later withdrawn after several members of the community complained of 'severed limb'.