Mitt Row over 'Chav Tour'

Republican candidate and presidential hopeful, Mitt Romney, is to set to jet into Birkenhead next week as part of a whistle-stop tour around some of the UK's most disenfranchised communities.

Local leaders are ecstatic that the GOP nominee will be including the town in his itinerary and have plundered council coffers for Romney's 24-hour protection whilst in the community.

Extra security staff will be specially trained in the week leading up to his arrival while dangerous dogs are to be rounded up in a bid to cleanse the region of its less attractive elements.

Grange Rd. yesterday.
Council spokesperson, Brett Exoskeleton, explains. 'While we are pulling out all the stops to make Senator Kerry's stay as comfortable as possible, it's important to remember why the man is here', intoned Exoskeleton from beneath the enveloping warmth of a vintage patchwork eiderdown yesterday. 'He expects to be able to view our scum in order to make his report. How much of that scum we decide to expose Senator McCain to is to be debated over a beer in the Clarence, later'.

However, there are many in the community that feel that the town's inclusion in the tour further diminishes Birkenhead's reputation, already in tatters after being named UK Murder Capital of the Year in a recent Ross Kemp TV special.

Vlad Brokes, vice-chairman of Merseyside-based charity, LOSA (Leave Our Scum Alone), is unconvinced that the tour will do much to provide improvements for local unemployed and that Romney's presence will only reinforce negative stereotyping of chavs.
Brokes, 55, a former Atari parts specialist from Little Nedton, spoke of his concerns from his secret headquarters deep within his mother's house in Rorschach Drive, Little Nedton. 'Romney's concern for our smack-addicted teen mothers is admirable' he said. 'However, the tour's effect on the local community will mean, in the long run, nowt. The area cannot shed its 'Beirut by the Mersey' image simply by removing a few corpses from Birkenhead Park.'

Police are appealing to the local youth to quell anti-social behaviour during the tour and have provided several wheelie bins where they can hand themselves in anonymously. These were later withdrawn after several members of the community complained of 'severed limb'.

Wirral welcomes Olympic torch

By Wayne Bridges - Sportswear corespondent

Gladys Hurdle gets her spark back

Wirral is set to go ablaze today with the arrival of the Olympic torch, en-route its Olympic treck around the UK. The torch bearing bus rolled into Birkenhead North last night and was met with minimal reaction and little enthusiasm.

Wirral's sporting legends are braced to carry the torch around the borough in what is being billed as 'the sporting event of the 21st century'. Gladys Hurdle, 98 of Achilles Close, New Brighton is set to start the torch rely today. 

Gladys won bronze competing in the 100 meter air raid shelter dash at the 1936 Olympics in what was then, Nazi Germany. "I'm thrilled to be asked to take part in this relay" said Gladys, as she was being man handled by her NHS home care support nurse. "Goebbels always liked the way I held his torch, I'm really pleased the world kept this occultist Nazi invention of the Olympic flame".

Gladys will hand the torch to 8 times Mobility Scooter Triathlon champion Lilly 'go fast' Jones. Lilly will endure a challenging 300 meter dash along the prom where she will hand over to gold medalist Brian Damage. Brian won gold in the Sayers Pasty challenge back in 2001, run by our rival paper the Wirral Globe. “Training has been tough with all this talk of VAT on pasties, but thanks to Iceland and the Jubilee, I've got more pies in my freezer than Frey Bentos” spluttered Mr Damage, as he bit into an alarmingly hot steak and kidney slice.

From there the Olympic torch makes it way to Liscard where it will be taken into Crack Convertors, where the proceeds of it will be given to the local charity, the Kings Arms.