ARIES (March 21- April 20) Due to the aggressive nature of the Aries human we will not, this week, be giving any psychic guidance due to the fact that most of them are complete bastards.
TAURUS (April 21- May 21) Those born under this sign should have a frontal lobotomy as you’ll never have the balls to put your imagination into practice this week.
GEMINI (May22- June 21) Geminis this week will be consulting their shrinks because they can’t agree with themselves (or anyone else) and their split personalities are taking over (both of them).
CANCER (June 22- July 23) Cancerians will be buying ‘Cry Me a River’ by Justin Spears (?) and will be retreating into their shells to sensitively assess their love life and courage.
LEO (July 24th- Nov 22) Creative, bright ideas this week will be the solution to all your problems. Alternatively, stick a traffic cone on your head and try to remove it with your heels. It won’t improve your career but it will add humour to your sex life.
VIRGO (Aug 24- Sept 23) Life this week is going to be shit. Stay in bed all week with anti-depressants and large bottle of White Lightning.
LIBRA (Sept 24- Oct 23) You are always doing a balancing act between work and home life. When it gets too much, hit the wine and then spend the next week drying out at your favourite clinic.
SCORPIO (Oct 24- Nov 22) Stop cheating, lying and thinking that the planet owes you a living because it doesn’t, OK? Still, go and see your GP anyway because you might not be from this planet to begin with.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23- Dec 21) This week you will win the lottery, marry a pregnant Welsh woman and save the planet (not the real planet but the Dog and Planet public house in Neswall).
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 – Jan 20) Always kept in the dark? Feeling left out? Self-esteem lower than a snake’s bra? It’s because the rest of the world are a bunch of opinionated, self-centred shit stirrers!!!
AQUARIUS (Jan 21 – Feb19) You’ll never walk alone because you owe so many people money. And with friend like these, who needs bailiffs?
PISCES (Feb 20- March 20) Your new dream scheme is about to take off, Naomi Cambell’s lying on your face stroking a strange animal and the boss has given you the day off. Wake up, asshole! You’ve swallowed our Mark’s head tablets.
NEXT WEEK: Guest astrologer Damn Sad Hussein, Iraq’s greatest illusionist, gives his predictions for the Zodiac and the upcoming Grand National at Aintree.
The Wirral Groan was born in 2001. A group of local journalists, incensed by a lack of real news in the local press, set out to create a web-based alternative that tackled subjects deemed taboo by their hard copy peers, namely dogging, needle disposal and pensioner crime.
With readership in the thousands and with monthly hits reaching the half million mark, Wirral Groan Mk. 1 died when editor-in-chief, Michelle Suit, was arrested for aggravated sarin gas attacks throughout Birkenhead's clubland in retaliation for her husband, Wayne's, incarceration for amphetamine production in 1999.
Disclaimer - The Wirral Groan is News Satire. Any resemblance to the truth is a pure coincidence, you agree. Click here.