Methadone spill shuts Vicky road


Victoria Road a few hours after the spill

Victoria road was brought to a stand still this afternoon when a lorry collided with a mobility scooter and overturned spilling it's contents.

The lorry was carrying 16 million litres of liquid methadone which was en route to Leasowe. Emergency services were quick to respond but local residents had already taken things into their own mouths.

"We were in the Railway enjoying happy hour when we heard this almighty crash" Omar Shareef, 14, informed the Groan, whilst enjoying a quadrupole baileys with ice cream. "Our kidda came in looking all monged and the next thing we know, the streets were full of kryptonite" he added very slowly and incoherently.

Wallasey fire brigade was first to attend the scene which shocked local residents, many of them elderly.

"The incident occurred at 14:56 and we arrived at the scene at 16:09." Said fireman Samuel from inside his helmet. "The area was covered with residents slurping at the tarmac with those bendy straws, and or lying unconscious outside the shop formerly known as the quickie" he added whilst playing with his massive hose.

Vladimir Bulivski, 87, a local entrepreneur, was an eye witness to the event. Standing outside his charity shop he said he was "amazed" at how quickly local mefs came to the aid of the emergency services and was "amazed" that no one got hurt in the following stampede. "I was amazed", he added.

Victoria road was re-opened to traffic again at 18:45 much to the relief of Stella Artos, who manages the local bargain booze. "Our delivery was held up for over two hours. We'd run totally dry on Superkings, Lambrini Light and Mini Cheddars."

A spokesperson for Green Fairy Inc, the company responsible got the distribution of methadone across the Wirral was unavailable for comment but a statement on their website said "404 file not found".

Merseyside police's crack road traffic incident unit, MPCRTIU, were quick to blame others.

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