Wirral Author in New Book Shock!

By our literary correspondent Simon le Dole

Wirral-born author and 80's day-time TV celebrity, Maxwell Ferret, returns home this weekend to publicise the launch of his new book.

Promising 'another fistful of stories featuring cowboys, hooligans, pig farmers, Romans, sailors and squaddies', the collection, entitled 'I, BRUTE!' will be available from his web site some time in the near future, probably.

Slumped behind a desolate desk in Conway Street's Books 4 Less, Ferret, 62, now a alcohol-dependency consultant in London's glamorous Elephant & Castle re-development ghetto, claims that, if not for the treachery of everyone concerned, he would have made it by now.

He sees 'I, BRUTE!' as his last chance to capitalise on the success of 'his' earlier book and spread awareness of the brand (defunct since 1987).

'Back then, we, I mean, I, ruled the world', exclaimed Ferret, his vintage neporene cycling shirt betraying evidence of elderly beer stainage. 'We had several TV shows and books to my credit'.

But it was his betrayal by those closest to him that led to his downfall. 'You have to look at it rationally,' he says. 'The lying, the cheating and the theft left me with virtually no-one to turn to but I was up to my ears in debt, guns and drugs at the time, so I'm forgiven'.

Ferret waxed nostalgic over the extremes of the 80s: the ad revenues, the free liquid lunches and the knife assaults on elderly TV producers. Did he regret them?

'It was the Yuppy Era!' he exclaimed. 'It was normal in those days for thrusting entrepreneurs like me to take credit for work created by others so it's hardly my fault those I worked for felt disenfranchised by my behaviour. But let's not forget - it was all their fault!'.

Veteran of such TV triumphs as BRUTE!'s Adventures of Sizzler (since re-mastered into a wheelie bin), Ferret now sees his future through severely rose-tinted spectacles.

'While others capitalised on my success and forged themselves viable careers in the media, I sat off and obliterated the cold reality of what my life had become with copious amounts of drugs whilst endlessly re-compiling my past glories into this new book. It's been almost 25 years but now I've completed the work!'

Sensing his exasperation, I nervously asked him why he had taken so long to write his slim bookletette. 'I spent my every waking hour outside of prison taking care of my son (except public holidays and pub opening hours). That's why I called my publishing company Good Dad'.

Priced at a mere 10 quid (and containing an even merer 25 pages), Ferret hopes to hook younger readers bored with politically-correct super heroes and feminist wizardry.

'Harry Potter isn't fit to scrape the saloon piles from my wrinkled scrotal sac,' spat Ferret bitterly into his pint.

'He's unrepresentative of modern youth with their guns, drugs and STDs. 'I, Brute!' will put this modern generation into perspective, admittedly from a perspective of a lonely, drink-ravaged pensioner with no job.'

Ferret will be touring the UK, reading extracts from his book, in the coming months. A quick tour of his web-site discloses no details but then it's not possible to buy the book from there either.

'Those web-site guys have betrayed me!' he raged, dislodging a set of borrowed dentures. 'If it wasn't for them, I'd be raking it in now!'


9 March 2010 at 14:57 Anonymous said...

I don't understand this article. If this is a new book, how come its full of old stories?

16 March 2010 at 10:32 Anonymous said...

And not one mention of Artist Aidan Hughes on the I,BRUTE website...