Residents 'Paranoid' over Strange Sky Trails.

by our science fiction correspondent
Ken Trail

Several dozen Wirral residents have voiced concerns about strange smoke trails seen over the peninsula this week, prompting activists in the area to call for an inquiry into what they see as a conspiracy to reduce unemployment in the area.

Monday 15 March:

Wirral Groan staff were besieged with a few reports of strange 'chem trails' criss-crossing the skies over Liverpool and New Brighton
yesterday caused by dozens of unidentified planes flying in regular patterns throughout the day.

Angry residents, worried that the chemicals may carry health-threatening properties, today were up in arms over the mysterious flights and blame sinister global societies intent on culling the region's jobless.

Chem trails were also spotted in places as far away as Canada and China, giving rise to fears that the flights are part of a fiendish plan to reduce the world's currently rampant unemployment figures. Campaigners plan to link the 'chem trails' with dwindling benefit claims and recent closures of local 'Job' Centres.

Vikram Tollemache, of watchdog group RESPECT (Report Extra Suspicious Planes Emitting Chem Trails), told our science fiction correspondent that the aircraft have been flying mystery missions over the area since the early 70s.

'Our fears that unknown aircraft spotted spewing unheralded vapours over the Wirral have gone unheeded until now', he confessed over a tepid vindaloo at Magic Spaz this afternoon. 'However, our colleagues at Vancouver's renowned Skywatch facility in Canada have reported seeing an increase in this type of air traffic, leading us to conclude that some sort of illegal contamination of the world's sperm supply is underway, obviously originating from a secret base somewhere in the Aigburth area of Merseyside'.

Aigburth has been prominent in reports of secret society activity in recent years after its controversial hosting of the Bilderberg Group's annual lunch and disco, normally held on Wednesdays.

However, due to picketing by anarchist groups intent on disrupting the event, global security forces, concerned over the safety of world leaders attending the event, have now moved it to Thursdays.

The Wirral Globe contacted several air bases in the area but their spokesman said
that their flight paths were 'erratic' and 'up in the air'.

chem trail clip by Andy

Vintage Pub Torched by Yob

by our crime correspondent Vince-Sendiary de Vice

Tens of disgruntled alcoholics were today mourning the loss of their favourite drinking hole as Wirral firemen struggled to extinguish its smouldering remains.

Emergency services were called out to New Brighton's fashionable Victoria Rd. district early this morning to find its most popular drinking establishment consumed by fire.

Reports that the fire was set by a local thug were confirmed by onlookers drinking in the pub at the time.

The pub, Peggy O'Fuckery's, owned by one-time Blackwater op and Mersey fisheries specialist, Filmore Loons, of Lower Expectation Rd., Seacombe, claims that the fire was caused by a local man who had been refused alcohol on a number of previous occasions.

The man, a former welder on the soon-to-be-demolished NewboDome, had become marginally disenfranchised when his demands for a final pint had been denied. Minutes later, the conflagration occurred, spreading throughout the bar and to the relaxation area outside.

'Customers are well aware that we do not allow smoking on the premises', said Loons, 45, from the safety of his blog today. 'So, it was quite a surprise to see large flaming sections of the building's historic roof fall in on the regulars still imbibing at the time'.

The police, who rushed to the scene of the crime five hours later, were said to be looking for a man in his early thirties sporting a distinctive red and yellow hair-cut, last seen running screaming down Victoria Rd and into the Mersey.

Local cockle pickers were sent to the river to search for the body.

Peggy's, whose reputation in the neighborhood has stabilised since the police were called in to quell anti-chem trail riots earlier this year, won the Pub of the Year award in 1922 for its elegantly-distressed interior.

However, may local residents have expressed delight at the pub's demise, citing debris left by carousing revellers intent on after-hours mayhem. Others, however, are dismayed to see the landmark hostelry destroyed and mourn the passing of the legendary boozer.

'Without Peggy's, there will be very little for pensioners and teenagers in the area to do', complained Margaret 'Flaps' McGuigan, a 55 year-old ex-delicatessen manageress from nearby Waterloo Rd.
'To date, one in five of New Brighton residents have been conceived on the premises. It's loss will be a tragic blow to many in the community'.

However, a scheme that enables funding from a 'twinned' town has been considered. Unfortunately, New Brighton is twinned with Nosbeki, a town 200 miles from Uganda, that was tragically burned to the ground by rebel forces at the weekend.

Grab a gran at Delaya's Lounge

By our Nightlife correspondent Binge Downs

New Brighton is already heating up this spring down at the double glazed delights of Delaya's Lounge as they reveal their new resident DJ to star alongside the Cockmiester.

DJ Berryl of New Brighton Community Centre luncheon club has signed a six month residency at the all star night spot. Not your average clubber, Berryl, 82 of Hope Street New Brighton, is a relative new comer to the wheels of steel.

"My grandson needed some money fast and Crack Convertors wasn't taking any more decks since the closure of Marbars" said Berryl over a plate of watery instant mash potatoes. "So I decided to help my grandson out and buy them off him. He set them up for me at our luncheon club and within hours everyone had stood up and was wiggling their sticks in the air like they just didn't care".

Celebrity Grans have become all the rage in the Paris club scene recently and here at the Groan we can't help but feel New Brighton is a bit of its own left bank too.

"We're ecstatic to get some fresh DJ blood into this place" said Cocky Snr outside the Lounge as 5 track suited minors were escorted out of the premisses and up into JR's. "Our Jnr cock has been on these decks for pure time. He needs a break and maybe some serious competition will improve his mixing."

DJ Berryl is set to debut on Friday 19th March and reservations are recommended as a big turn out from the local homes is expected.

Wirral Author in New Book Shock!

By our literary correspondent Simon le Dole

Wirral-born author and 80's day-time TV celebrity, Maxwell Ferret, returns home this weekend to publicise the launch of his new book.

Promising 'another fistful of stories featuring cowboys, hooligans, pig farmers, Romans, sailors and squaddies', the collection, entitled 'I, BRUTE!' will be available from his web site some time in the near future, probably.

Slumped behind a desolate desk in Conway Street's Books 4 Less, Ferret, 62, now a alcohol-dependency consultant in London's glamorous Elephant & Castle re-development ghetto, claims that, if not for the treachery of everyone concerned, he would have made it by now.

He sees 'I, BRUTE!' as his last chance to capitalise on the success of 'his' earlier book and spread awareness of the brand (defunct since 1987).

'Back then, we, I mean, I, ruled the world', exclaimed Ferret, his vintage neporene cycling shirt betraying evidence of elderly beer stainage. 'We had several TV shows and books to my credit'.

But it was his betrayal by those closest to him that led to his downfall. 'You have to look at it rationally,' he says. 'The lying, the cheating and the theft left me with virtually no-one to turn to but I was up to my ears in debt, guns and drugs at the time, so I'm forgiven'.

Ferret waxed nostalgic over the extremes of the 80s: the ad revenues, the free liquid lunches and the knife assaults on elderly TV producers. Did he regret them?

'It was the Yuppy Era!' he exclaimed. 'It was normal in those days for thrusting entrepreneurs like me to take credit for work created by others so it's hardly my fault those I worked for felt disenfranchised by my behaviour. But let's not forget - it was all their fault!'.

Veteran of such TV triumphs as BRUTE!'s Adventures of Sizzler (since re-mastered into a wheelie bin), Ferret now sees his future through severely rose-tinted spectacles.

'While others capitalised on my success and forged themselves viable careers in the media, I sat off and obliterated the cold reality of what my life had become with copious amounts of drugs whilst endlessly re-compiling my past glories into this new book. It's been almost 25 years but now I've completed the work!'

Sensing his exasperation, I nervously asked him why he had taken so long to write his slim bookletette. 'I spent my every waking hour outside of prison taking care of my son (except public holidays and pub opening hours). That's why I called my publishing company Good Dad'.

Priced at a mere 10 quid (and containing an even merer 25 pages), Ferret hopes to hook younger readers bored with politically-correct super heroes and feminist wizardry.

'Harry Potter isn't fit to scrape the saloon piles from my wrinkled scrotal sac,' spat Ferret bitterly into his pint.

'He's unrepresentative of modern youth with their guns, drugs and STDs. 'I, Brute!' will put this modern generation into perspective, admittedly from a perspective of a lonely, drink-ravaged pensioner with no job.'

Ferret will be touring the UK, reading extracts from his book, in the coming months. A quick tour of his web-site discloses no details but then it's not possible to buy the book from there either.

'Those web-site guys have betrayed me!' he raged, dislodging a set of borrowed dentures. 'If it wasn't for them, I'd be raking it in now!'