Chaotic Scenes at Library Sale

By our crime correspondent Lance Boil

An elderly woman was arrested and a bus shelter left practically disabled as the Grand Wallasey Library Book Sale got underway yesterday.

Amid scenes of chaos, thousands of local elderly stormed past burly security in an attempt to buy the remnants of Earlston Library's literary stock.

Thousands of titles were frenziedly snatched and bundled away by the ancient readers, many of whom were alive when the books themselves were written.

Unemployed librarian, Pippa Hiss, 19, remained resolutely aghast when I spoke with her today. 'Many of our elderly readers were keen to get their hands on sale items', explained Pippa over a limpid cereal this morning.

'The trouble started when two grans, known as local troublemakers, began fighting over one particular Mills and Boon title. Suddenly, all Hell broke loose!'

Police were called when neighbours from as far away as Neswall complained of loud crackling as fights erupted and tons of rare paperbacks were set ablaze.
Despite reports of over 200 stabbings, glassings and renal failures, police were only able to arrest one 89 year-old woman, who attempted to assault constables with a wheelchair before being subdued with a lawful brain injury.

Wirral Police confirmed the incident took place, but said by the time they were called the thugs had dispersed.

'They were just too quick for us', a police spokesperson admitted, eventually.