Jobcentres Report New Jobs Shock

Times are hard the world over but Wirral Jobcentres are reporting a huge surge in vacancies in the area.

Workers in Birkenhead's Conwat St. branch revealed yesterday that up to a dozen jobs have become available for the first time in decades and many have expressed surprise that the region's normally depressed vacancy market has swelled to pre-1914 levels.

'We've been inundated with companies requiring part- and full-time staff,' said Lil Sambeaux, employment re-enabler for the Birkenhead JC. 'Its staggering considering there is a credit crunch on'.

Staff, who normally while away their day perusing the Wirral Groan and shuffling ancient claim forms, have been sifting through piles of CV's in an attempt to match claimants to the new career opportunities.

'We haven't seen such a surge in vacancies since Neptune Developments built the airship docking tower after the first world war,' beamed Lil from within the Kevlar enclosure that surrounds the Jobcentre's reception area.

'Many elderly folk are coming in just to stare at and fondle the new job cards', she said. 'And school leavers are being teased by their parents for applying'.

One job-seeker, who asked that his name be withheld for fear of vengeance enacted upon him by jealous jobless, fears that many of the jobs on offer will remain unclaimed.

'Me mates won't do these type of jobs', revealed Kirsten Doomed, 16. 'Instead, they prefer to wait until Cammell Lairds re-opens'.

Hundreds of claimants have since applied for the jobs indicating that, despite the stigma, many are still keen to work as bailiffs and counter clerks at employment agencies.

'Almost all of the vacancies are for workers at our own branch', smiled Val, ironically. 'One of the positive aspects of the economic downturn is that they will be enabling waves of school leavers in finding careers in rent-retrieval and supermarket trolley re-alignment'.

However, others were not so impressed by the Wirral work windfall. Wiilliam Sitov, of the Unworkers Union, declared many of the jobs were part of a statistical fraud designed to fool claimants back into work.

'Our members have a right to unemployment benefits and risk having their Guitar Hero scores undermined whilst at work', he spat. 'We seek to uncover these strategies and have them back where they belong, on t'dole'.

Chaotic Scenes at Library Sale

By our crime correspondent Lance Boil

An elderly woman was arrested and a bus shelter left practically disabled as the Grand Wallasey Library Book Sale got underway yesterday.

Amid scenes of chaos, thousands of local elderly stormed past burly security in an attempt to buy the remnants of Earlston Library's literary stock.

Thousands of titles were frenziedly snatched and bundled away by the ancient readers, many of whom were alive when the books themselves were written.

Unemployed librarian, Pippa Hiss, 19, remained resolutely aghast when I spoke with her today. 'Many of our elderly readers were keen to get their hands on sale items', explained Pippa over a limpid cereal this morning.

'The trouble started when two grans, known as local troublemakers, began fighting over one particular Mills and Boon title. Suddenly, all Hell broke loose!'

Police were called when neighbours from as far away as Neswall complained of loud crackling as fights erupted and tons of rare paperbacks were set ablaze.
Despite reports of over 200 stabbings, glassings and renal failures, police were only able to arrest one 89 year-old woman, who attempted to assault constables with a wheelchair before being subdued with a lawful brain injury.

Wirral Police confirmed the incident took place, but said by the time they were called the thugs had dispersed.

'They were just too quick for us', a police spokesperson admitted, eventually.