by our welfare correspondent Sid Ovsky
A potentially devastating peninsula-wide food shortage was narrowly averted this morning when a monstrous eel was discovered stranded on the banks of the River Mersey.
Pensioners, many who have had grave problems staying alive during this winter's credit crunch, were jubilant at the find.
'Most of us have never seen so much food before', marveled elderly ex-librarian and swimming instructor Chuck Dickinson, 76. 'Not since the spectacular giant squid find of 1947 which the Wirral dined on for three years'.
Stunned onlookers looked on stunned as local Chinese swarmed over the giant eel carcass, (rumoured to be three football pitches long and almost as wide as Kerry Katona), cutting the meat into strips for sale in the Farmer's Market later on today.
The Wirral Groan asked our resident culinary expert to come up with a suitable menu.
Take seven hundredweight of eel and add to boiling water
Strain off the scum and put it into a plastic bin liner.
Allow to congeal.
Add hair and human excrement.
Send to Wallasey Town Hall.