12 Jan 2009
Dr En Em Hah and his staff
With the looming cuts in recreation and sports centers, a new dieting craze has hit the Wirral, guaranteeing a 100% success rate. The Wirral Groan’s celebrity weight gain correspondent, Lippa Sucktions, spoke to ‘Dr Diet’ about his miracle cure.
I arrived at the luxurious new office complex of the The Wirral Weigh-In Centre around midday. Located in Newbodome's newly-completed health and incapacity benefit processing quarter, or ‘Section B-FAT’, as it is known to developers and police.
After over-indulging on Lambrini dips and Turkey swirls over Christmas, I was keen to meet up with the Wirral’s new weight loss guru.
Hailing from Noctorum, but originally from North Korea, Dr En Em Hah, or ‘Dr Diet’ as he is known to locals, claims he has found the ultimate dieting solution. For a one-off consultation fee of £285+VAT., Dr Diet guarantees drastic weight loss, or your money back.
The waiting room is packed with love-handled WAGS and Wirral celebrities, who were first in line to take advantage of Dr Diet’s one-step-diet-for-life solution.
As I scan the double chins I spot none other than Claire Sweeny of local TV fame, shock radio jock Pete Pric perusing a copy of ‘On Heat’ magazine and twelve months pregnant Girls Akimbo star, Prentonella.
A nurse calls out my name and I am escorted through the glass-floored atrium, with great white sharks and other endangered marine life underfoot, into a spacious glass-walled office overlooking West Wirral’s wet marshlands.
From behind the desk (£99 from Arsog office department), a swivel chair (free with Arsog desk) turns slowly and a diminutive. tanned figure, holding a white cat, silhouettes into view. The nurse offers me a protein steak and kidney smoothie and seats me on a piece of expensive Swedish furniture before hastily leaving the room via a glass elevator.
“'More thinner than thin', that’s our motto here at The Wirral Weigh-In Centre”, explains Dr En Em Hah.
Dr En Em Hah and his team arrived in Wirral hailing from the successful weight loss schemes he had been overseeing in Pyongyang. With up to 98% of the North Korean population drastically underweight, Dr En Em Hah’s radical program was picked up by Wirral delegates on a fact-finding mission to North Korea early last year.
Council chiefs were quick to sign a 6-figure contract to secure Hah’s medical knowledge to help tackle Wirral’s alarming obesity problem.
Our interview is suddenly cut short as a red phone on the doctors desk starts to ring, alarmingly. Dr En Em Hah explains that an emergency ‘gut bust’ has just taken place on the Four Bridges UN food aid dock terminal complex and we must leave immediately.
A team of nurses in tight-fitting spandex outfits grab various tubing and silver brief cases, as we lunge head-first into a Perspex tube which hurtles us to an awaiting helicopter on the 98th floor.
As we fly beneath the cloud systems of the Newbodome, dodging Police Helicopters and unmanned drones, Dr En Em Hah continues to explain the success of his 'Waist not Weight' program.
“The problem with Wirraliens is that have been feasting on a diet of battered confectionery and imported alcopops for far too long. Our aim is to reduce the levels of fat people to a central planning figure of zero. If you have more than 2mm of fat index your benefits will be scrapped, thus insuring more rapid weight loss is achieved”.
The helicopter abruptly lands at the site of the emergency. Police in bio hazard suits have sealed off the area and we are refused entry to the site with Dr En Em Hah and his rapid response team.
After several minutes inspecting the scene, the team quickly scoop up all displaced glycerol and hastily embark back into the chopper, flying through Newbodome's higher atmosphere in the direction of Arrow Park.
The claims of Dr En Em Hah and his team are yet to be tested but many celebrities have spoken out at the success rate of his program, leaving many Wirraliens considering the pinch as they try to tighten their belts during the predicted 10-year credit crunch ahead of us.
I for one have signed up to the program and will report back soon on how many pounds it has cost me.