by our political correspondent Peregrine Falcone
Wirral Groan staff returning to work after the holidays had more than a hangover to endure when they turned up at the office today. For, in their absence, secretive deals between the newspapers owners and a mysterious Belorussian oligarch may have made them early victims of the economic recession.
First to find themselves locked out was pert, 21 year-old Lyndsay Doyle, who turned up for work at the Groan's Neswall offices as usual at 11am. 'The gates were locked,' said Ms. Doyle from the warmth of a nearby sweater. 'No-one knew what was happening until the police arrived and told us that the Groan was sacking 50 of its top journalists.'
Alarmed scribblers contacted their union who alerted the press who then watched as two van loads of riot squad offices dispersed their fellow members with extreme prejudice in a bizarre media cycle of post-modern irony.
Michelle Suit, editor-in-chief of the Wirral Groan, promised readers that there would be no relaxing of deadlines and that the news would continue to be invented as usual. 'Due to the credit crunch many of our former employees have become superfluous,' spoke our leader during a sumptuous power brunch at Bobby's Bar today. 'However, we have made an arrangment with the new owners who will absorb most of the redundancies within the Morrisons' warehouse complex, due to be relocated throughout Neswall and Boylake next year'.
Investigations into the theft of a mousepad from the Wirral Groan offices have resulted in multiple arrests of illegal immigrants, a police spokesman complained.