New Report Urges Reform in Sexual Assault Amenities

An alarming report has uncovered a serious lack of amenities for sexual assault victims on Merseyside and Birkenhead as a whole.

The Wirral Groan's research department, Kelly, has uncovered the stark facts, lain buried for decades, on how the sad and helplessly lonely victims of groping and worse have failed to be supported by local groups on Merseyside.

Vadge Witherspoon is a 45 year-old mother of eight who lives within walking distance of the Olde Machete Saloon in Leasowe Rd.

When she was just 44, she was made to feel moderately dis-empowered by a middle-aged relative during a impromptu seance.

Since then, her fear of sex and the supernatural has resulted in the loss of a husband and the job she loved.

'My experience isn't uncommon.' said Vadge, who has since asked that her identity and those of her four children, Hurt, Hit and Fed, be disguised.

'I found that most of my fellow victims had nowhere to meet and that there were no sexual assault support meetup groups near Birkenhead whatsoever'.

That's when Vadge decided to start up a local group, WVONSAMGW (Wirral Victims of No Sexual Assault Support Meetup Groups Whatsoever) to help those who felt that their resource network infrastructure was not being socially enabled.

Wirral MP, Shankly Hacker, who initiated the report, agrees. 'Its been difficult for victims of lack of sexual assault support groups to come forward for fear of derision by the public after the inevitable exposure when the media limelight explodes in their faces!' spat Hacker, still vulnerable after pictures of his recent public spat with Girls Akimbo singer, Mareeeesha, were sold to the Sunday Sponk for 300 quid.

The Wirral Groan contacted over 160 groups and asked if they had any special events planned for victims of lack of sexual assault support facilities but most of them were on tour or in bed.

Do you know of any Sexual Assault workshops in your area?
Would you like to meet others interested in Sexual Assault?
Are you currently on the Sex Offenders Register?

Write to our lively Wirral Groan letters page!

Wirral Food Shortage Thwarted!

by our welfare correspondent Sid Ovsky

A potentially devastating peninsula-wide food shortage was narrowly averted this morning when a monstrous eel was discovered stranded on the banks of the River Mersey.

Pensioners, many who have had grave problems staying alive during this winter's credit crunch, were jubilant at the find.

'Most of us have never seen so much food before', marveled elderly ex-librarian and swimming instructor Chuck Dickinson, 76. 'Not since the spectacular giant squid find of 1947 which the Wirral dined on for three years'.

Stunned onlookers looked on stunned as local Chinese swarmed over the giant eel carcass, (rumoured to be three football pitches long and almost as wide as Kerry Katona), cutting the meat into strips for sale in the Farmer's Market later on today.

The Wirral Groan asked our resident culinary expert to come up with a suitable menu.

Take seven hundredweight of eel and add to boiling water
Strain off the scum and put it into a plastic bin liner.
Allow to congeal.
Add hair and human excrement.
Send to Wallasey Town Hall.

Global Unworkers Union Chooses Wirral for Conference Venue.

by our welfare correspondent Sid Ovski

Last year's Montreal conference broke attendance records
The DGAFU, the international unworkers union, is to choose the Wirral for its annual conference in 2010.

The event, which barely attracts more than a handful of its global 240 million membership, is in its 90th year and is set to draw crowds from as far away as Wales.

The DGAFU, who were formed not long after the stock market crash of the 1920's, have endured world wars and recessions and have survived despite almost continual lack of support from its own members.

Lloyd Winston, Head of the Institute of Advanced Inactivity, spoke to the Groan about the need for a conference no one bothers to attend. 'We feel that, as the credit crunch deepens, many people no longer take us seriously as a union, ' explained the esteemed academician from the rich mahogany of a supporting mantelpiece yesterday.

'Here, in the Wirral, there are a steadfast nation of fellow unworkers who, we hope, will swell the ranks of this year's conference'.

He emphasised the importance of maintaining the traditions of the union and its devotion to its core beliefs. 'The DGAFU have been giving slackers a bad name since 1929 and we hope to be able to be bothered to do so in future'.

Despite the set-backs, the DGAFU have been unable to attend several political demonstrations this year. They were absent from most major unemployment rallies and only managed to complete one engagement, the Sunbathing for Darfur charity marathon which they later revealed they entered by mistake.

Several of their original members are from Merseyside. Roy Lake, 77, of Lower Expectation Rd. Seacombe, used to be a full-time unworker until he slipped and broke both of his benefits in a fall. He now suffers from a full-time job working as a leisure consultant for Slactivities Incorporated, a branch of the Bonidal group.
Roy Lake yesterday (Guitar Hero score 420000)
'I'd not worked a proper job since I retired from me paper round in 1942,' murmured Roy, splaying idly across the cushioned upholstery of a late 19th-century embroidered ottoman. 'Without the grants, benefits, loans, workshops and courses I very much doubt people like me could have lasted as long as we have'.

Roy explained how, over the years, he'd aided both Tory and Labour governments during his years as an unworker. 'Without my continual presence on courses such as Wirral DJ Initiative and New Ferry Scrapheap Challenge, the powers-that-be would have had to own up to the true unemployment figures and stop burying our fellow unworkers in the stats!'

Despite vast numbers of unworkers failing to show up for last year's conference in Montreal, DGAFU chairman, Bob Nodofalot, has high hopes for the Wirral meet. 'We're sponsored by Nintendo, Pizza Lab and several growers' organisations,' he murmured, eventually.'Lenny Henry, one of our most well-known members, has agreed to give out the Golden Giro awards too!'

But word on the streets wasn't confirming his positive outlook. Jobless, ex-soft furnishings consultant Rocky Burns, reckons it will all be a waste of time. 'I never went to last year's and this year will be no different', he shrugged noncommittally over an abandoned breakfast last night.

Mr. Burns, 56, who recently moved back to his mother's house after a chip pan set his sofa on fire, claims he is not affiliated to any unworkers' union and prefers to remain independent, adding, 'I just can't be arsed'.
Unworkers riot in a storm of violent protest at recent benefit cuts

Tickets will be available for the DGAFU Conference from Conway St. Jobcentre or any branch of Netherspoons.

Council leader ‘hit by bus’

Labour council leader, Cllr Fuckups, was in a stable but serious condition last night, after being hit by a bus full of protestors at one of the Wirral’s many lollipop lady-free road crossings.

Cllr Fuckups was leaving Wallasey Town hall after a heated public meeting in which he delivered a fatal stroke to swimming and reading fans across the borough.

Onlookers spoke of the total carnage caused to the Stagemaster single decker bus as it tried to dodge the unpopular councilor. Fortunately for Fuckups, the bus clipped his left rear pocket, hitting only his wallet and causing the bus to flip violently into a nearby lamppost.

Six elderly protestors were also taken to Arrow Park hospital suffering from mild burns caused by falling hashish rocks.

The accident was embarrassing for Cllr Fuckups, who had only recently scrapped all funding for Wirral’s persecuted lollipop ladies.

Only minutes before, Cllr Fuckups had made a passionate plea in support of leisure cuts claiming, “If I was to be hit by a bus tomorrow, there would still be the budget issues and problems for this council”. He was run down by the packed 433 bus (4pm every second Thursday).

Merseyside police say they are investigating the incident, while Labour Councilor’s are claiming the incident was provoked by a Conservative Councilors Facebook page.

Cllr Fuckups wasn’t available for comment but a spokesperson for Labour said he was recovering at a secret location in the Bahamas with Neptune Developments physician, Dr Strangelove.

Readers' Newbodome pics

Since the Newbodome began construction way back in November of last year, dozens of Wirraliens have sent in their photographs to the Groan. Here's a selection.

Wirraliens relax in the newly-refurbished Playas Lounge, New Brighton

Thanks to Kev Larr for this lovely pic of his brother Craig, shortly before his brain scan.

Holidaymakers enjoy a day by the new Morrisons InStyle HQ

Thanks to Bebbington Balloonies for this aerial pic of West Kirby

Wirral Doctor claims ‘miracle weight loss’ cure

Dr En Em Hah and his staff

With the looming cuts in recreation and sports centers, a new dieting craze has hit the Wirral, guaranteeing a 100% success rate. The Wirral Groan’s celebrity weight gain correspondent, Lippa Sucktions, spoke to ‘Dr Diet’ about his miracle cure.

I arrived at the luxurious new office complex of the The Wirral Weigh-In Centre around midday. Located in Newbodome's newly-completed health and incapacity benefit processing quarter, or ‘Section B-FAT’, as it is known to developers and police.

After over-indulging on Lambrini dips and Turkey swirls over Christmas, I was keen to meet up with the Wirral’s new weight loss guru.

Hailing from Noctorum, but originally from North Korea, Dr En Em Hah, or ‘Dr Diet’ as he is known to locals, claims he has found the ultimate dieting solution. For a one-off consultation fee of £285+VAT., Dr Diet guarantees drastic weight loss, or your money back.

The waiting room is packed with love-handled WAGS and Wirral celebrities, who were first in line to take advantage of Dr Diet’s one-step-diet-for-life solution.

As I scan the double chins I spot none other than Claire Sweeny of local TV fame, shock radio jock Pete Pric perusing a copy of ‘On Heat’ magazine and twelve months pregnant Girls Akimbo star, Prentonella.

A nurse calls out my name and I am escorted through the glass-floored atrium, with great white sharks and other endangered marine life underfoot, into a spacious glass-walled office overlooking West Wirral’s wet marshlands.

From behind the desk (£99 from Arsog office department), a swivel chair (free with Arsog desk) turns slowly and a diminutive. tanned figure, holding a white cat, silhouettes into view. The nurse offers me a protein steak and kidney smoothie and seats me on a piece of expensive Swedish furniture before hastily leaving the room via a glass elevator.

“'More thinner than thin', that’s our motto here at The Wirral Weigh-In Centre”, explains Dr En Em Hah.

Dr En Em Hah and his team arrived in Wirral hailing from the successful weight loss schemes he had been overseeing in Pyongyang. With up to 98% of the North Korean population drastically underweight, Dr En Em Hah’s radical program was picked up by Wirral delegates on a fact-finding mission to North Korea early last year.

Council chiefs were quick to sign a 6-figure contract to secure Hah’s medical knowledge to help tackle Wirral’s alarming obesity problem.

Our interview is suddenly cut short as a red phone on the doctors desk starts to ring, alarmingly. Dr En Em Hah explains that an emergency ‘gut bust’ has just taken place on the Four Bridges UN food aid dock terminal complex and we must leave immediately.

A team of nurses in tight-fitting spandex outfits grab various tubing and silver brief cases, as we lunge head-first into a Perspex tube which hurtles us to an awaiting helicopter on the 98th floor.

As we fly beneath the cloud systems of the Newbodome, dodging Police Helicopters and unmanned drones, Dr En Em Hah continues to explain the success of his 'Waist not Weight' program.

“The problem with Wirraliens is that have been feasting on a diet of battered confectionery and imported alcopops for far too long. Our aim is to reduce the levels of fat people to a central planning figure of zero. If you have more than 2mm of fat index your benefits will be scrapped, thus insuring more rapid weight loss is achieved”.

The helicopter abruptly lands at the site of the emergency. Police in bio hazard suits have sealed off the area and we are refused entry to the site with Dr En Em Hah and his rapid response team.

After several minutes inspecting the scene, the team quickly scoop up all displaced glycerol and hastily embark back into the chopper, flying through Newbodome's higher atmosphere in the direction of Arrow Park.

The claims of Dr En Em Hah and his team are yet to be tested but many celebrities have spoken out at the success rate of his program, leaving many Wirraliens considering the pinch as they try to tighten their belts during the predicted 10-year credit crunch ahead of us.

I for one have signed up to the program and will report back soon on how many pounds it has cost me.

Newbodome Construction Nears Final Phase

click to enlarge
By our architectural correspondent Wade Bridge

Documents leaked to the Wirral Groan today reveal the extent of Neptune Developments continuing re-civilization of the peninsula.

The top secret document graphically shows how the Wirral will be shared out among one stop shop services, benefits conglomerates, large supermarket chains and incorporated leisure amenities.

The Dome, currently 75 years ahead of building schedules, reached Rock Ferry an hour ago and can be seen steadily approaching Bromborough and Raby Mear.

Over 450,000 workers are currently working double 18-hour shifts, many of them elderly.

The map, stolen by a concerned employee worried that his heritage, and that of humanity as a whole, might be endangered should the company's final solution be put into plan was later destroyed by police in an uncontrolled explosion.

Angry scenes greet council leader

Scenes turned ugly last night as Wirral Council met face-to-face with its obese and illiterate electorate.

Tempers boiled over at the first of a series of planned forum consultations where members of the public were finally given their chance to speak up about the looming closure of Wirral.

Council leader, Gary Fuckups, was greeted to boos and shouts of ‘he’s behind you’ from megaphone-faced changing room attendents as he entered the complex, flanked by armed members of the elite cardboard cop unit.

The event was held at the soon-to-be-axed Morton Heights Community Centre. Many members of the public were left out in the cold and had to watch the fracas on large plasma screens (Home Style department, Arsog) installed especially for the event while residents were piled twelve deep inside.

For the first time, council leaders acknowledged plans for the almost-completed ‘Newbodome’ construction, but donned Masonic insignia when questioned who was funding it.

Many residents, angry; elderly; some of them foreign, waited outside for any news they were unable to download from their ifones.

“I waited hours in line to get in” exclaimed frustrated freelance culinary toxicologist and former Liscard resident, Vlodick Havalotova, 19. “In my country, when we see a line, we join it. We thought we’d get bread, vodka and free needles,” he exhaled into the minus 28 degree night air.

Merseyside police are anticipating more ugly scenes at the next forum event, due to take place tonight, at New Brighton's newly-constructed welfare-to-party quarter.

Cllrs. Weather Storm of Protest

by our political correspondent Peregrine Falcone

Wirral council have called in special riot police to protect councillors from angry residents at tonight's public meeting at the Floral Pavilion, New Brighton.

After last night's violent demonstrations outside West Kirby Concourse (in which 500 people were injured), security officers recommended that a private firm be brought in to deter protestors and encourage silence amongst the elderly and/or deranged during the debates.
Ken Dodd, 127, has also appealed for calm.

The debate, which Wirral council have kindly opened to the public, is due to start this evening at 7pm and will allow the councillors to explain exactly which public amenities are to be sold or managed by local gangsters/volunteers.

The council wants to be as inclusive as possible,' said cllr. Steve Fukups from the safety of a Kevlar Portakabin. 'That's why we're having this open debate to find out exactly what the public really wants before the hammer comes down.'

The police are asking members of the general public to leave automatic weapons at the cloakroom.

Sacked Hacks in Union Deadlock

by our political correspondent Peregrine Falcone

Wirral Groan staff returning to work after the holidays had more than a hangover to endure when they turned up at the office today. For, in their absence, secretive deals between the newspapers owners and a mysterious Belorussian oligarch may have made them early victims of the economic recession.

First to find themselves locked out was pert, 21 year-old Lyndsay Doyle, who turned up for work at the Groan's Neswall offices as usual at 11am. 'The gates were locked,' said Ms. Doyle from the warmth of a nearby sweater. 'No-one knew what was happening until the police arrived and told us that the Groan was sacking 50 of its top journalists.'

Alarmed scribblers contacted their union who alerted the press who then watched as two van loads of riot squad offices dispersed their fellow members with extreme prejudice in a bizarre media cycle of post-modern irony.

Michelle Suit, editor-in-chief of the Wirral Groan, promised readers that there would be no relaxing of deadlines and that the news would continue to be invented as usual. 'Due to the credit crunch many of our former employees have become superfluous,' spoke our leader during a sumptuous power brunch at Bobby's Bar today. 'However, we have made an arrangment with the new owners who will absorb most of the redundancies within the Morrisons' warehouse complex, due to be relocated throughout Neswall and Boylake next year'.

Investigations into the theft of a mousepad from the Wirral Groan offices have resulted in multiple arrests of illegal immigrants, a police spokesman complained.

Farmers Market returns to Wirral

The first Farmer’s Market of 2009 will kick off this weekend, with award winning produces from as far afield as Kabul, North Wales.

This month’s market focuses on produce from the Helmland province including many rare strains of high-altitude, poppy seed-based bio goods.

Worried credit crunchies can pick up great bargains, including biobrown, herbal teas and full-body clothing made from 100% pure opiates.

The market starts at 08:30 in New Brighton’s newly-completed entertainment and benefit processing quarter.

TV Tough Guy takes on Wirral Street Gangs

by our celebrity correspondent Neil Spredham

Tough-talking, gut-punching superstar and ex-Eastenders hard man Rugg Thump visited Wallasey today to film the first part of his TV documentary series.

The show, Rugg Thump on Gangs (for QVC's Terror Channel), is part of a three-part series on elderly gangs who terrorise the young and frail and sell drugs outside community centres. In this hard-hitting expose, Thump enters the twilight world of the street grans and confronts the fear they create within our vulnerable communities.

During the last decade, the rising numbers of elderly in places like Wallasey have given rise to a surge in over 60's street gangs, with names such as The Oxton Octenagarians and the PPP (Poulton Pensioner Possee) striking terror into local communities.

But one gran-related incident last year sparked a wave of revulsion and disgust so profound the police finally had to act. In an unprovoked attack, a 70-year old with strong connections to local bingo corruption, was savagely assaulted as he left a Liscard cafe.

'It was known in the village that he was fighting for control of the local Viagra trade', said Mrs. Smegra Viley, 93, from the shelter of a low-flying police helicopter. 'But the Liscard Stenners heard about it and he was attacked as he left Elderlies in the precinct'.

The victim is still undergoing surgery to have a sharpened Zimmer frame removed from his prostate.

Thump, 43, says that pensioner crime will increase the more society turns its backs on these forgotten OG's. 'They need money and respect and they will turn to violence to get what they want,' said Rugg from the palatial extension of his superstar trailer yesterday. 'Their younger brothers, some of them still in their 60s, are bullied into joining and are forced to surrender their disability benefits, Morrisons vouchers and medication. Only by watching my programme can the world, and Wirral as a whole, ever hope to regain control of its streets again!'

Police are still trying to locate the attacker, said to be white, in his 80's and wearing a tracksuit stolen from VD Sports last year.