Police cut-out scheme to be extended

By our crime correspondent Lance Boil

Controversial plans to replace Wirral’s police force with cardboard cut-outs have been deemed a massive success by local moaners and police today.

Crime rates across the borough have been slashed by up to 0.12% as over 600 life-sized cut-outs were placed at strategic locations across Wirral.

However, the increased presence of cardboard police have seen many criminals fold in their quest for control of Wirral’s roughest streets.

“Our community cardboard liaison officers have made several high-profile arrests,” exclaimed Sergeant Will Spray of Merseyside Police. “We’ve taken eight box cutters and two staplers off the streets since this operation started, something we can all say will make Wirral a safer place” he added.

Local human rights groups are not impressed. “Police brutality has increased since the operation started with one elderly lady receiving several deep paper cuts as one officer fell on her” said Shaka Khant, of the New Brighton-based human rights watchdogs, ‘Residents Against Police Enforcement Directives’ (RAPED).

Council leaders were so impressed by ‘Operation Roach’ that they have decided to extend the scheme to all chamber members.

“Due to the current animosity of locals towards their elected leaders, we have decided to install a series of life-sized cut-outs who will represent the council at the forthcoming forum meetings,” said Gary Forks, Labour council leader.

Cardboard police officers will be installed at all Wirral police stations from March 2009 with cardboard patrol cars stepping up activities around Deeside’s Shotton Paper mill.