10 Dec 2008
by our architectural correspondent Wade Bridge
Neptune Developments have finally been given the go-ahead to develop their flagship project today.
One-Stop Wirral, the name given to ND's grand scheme, was greeted with enthusiasm by both Masons and Wirraliens alike. Local residents are hopeful that the new project will attract skilled builders and labourers from outside the area and provide up to 12 jobs during peak summer periods.
The plan is to turn the Wirral into a gigantic one-stop shop, where the nations' unemployed can go to claim tax, housing and unemployment benefits, all under one enormous dome.
Work has begun on the £386 billion project with the infrastructure already beginning to take shape along the shore front at Harrison Drive. Earlier in the week, pensioners and the local unemployed were given a screening of a film which showed how the dome would cover the peninsula from the Dee estuary to the Mersey and from New Brighton to Ellesmere Port.
Rob Taxpayer, spokesperson for Neptune, attempted to preemptively assure moaners' associations that the cost would be justified. 'The project isn't due to start until Neptune turn the Wirral into a republic in 2013', projected Rob, indicating his secretary's PowerPoint spreadsheet.'By the time it's finished in 2130, a cup of tea will cost £256,000 so the savings will be enormous!'
Features of the Dome will include a giant Morrison's which will house the 40,000-seat Housing Benefit Office, an underwater library and a over-60's skate park with wheelchair access.
Critics of the Newbodome project have pointed out certain environmental disasters that may occur due to flaws in the planning stages. Hildred Shed, 87, of protest group Grans Against Greenhouse Gases In Nature's Garden (GAGGING) say her group's members are worried about the impact the dome may have on the delicate ecological balance of Wirral's natural beauty spots. 'Many of our elderly activists grow plants', said Hildred. 'With sunlight reduced to practically zero throughout the year, many of their plants will die and pensioners will have to survive solely on their benefits'.
Sources close to Neptune Development informed the Groan that a agreement had been reached with a secret cabal of global industrialists and bankers and that a staggering 50 square miles covering most of Wallasey Village and New Brighton had already been completed (see picture).
Police reports that Claire Sweeney is due to open the first stage of Newbodome have proved false.