by our architectural correspondent Wade Bridge
Massive gasps of awed admiration were involuntarily drawn from impressed onlookers last Tuesday when Neptune Developments unveiled their latest proposals for New Brighton, the thirteenth so far this week.
Neptune, whose Lisa Tarbuck AIDS clinic was forced into liquidation last month, say that their new project plans to dwarf those of the clinic and would put the ailing seaside resort back on the map.
Rob Taxpayer, Neptune's head honcho and spokeperson for the group, was hopeful of a timely go-ahead for the project. 'The clever lad in the computer room has come up with a model that will stun tetchy residents into silence this time', said a confident Rob at a press conference at the New Brighton Community centre today. 'The new Ken Dodd off-coast development will put even the most elderly and hesitant of minds at rest.'
The project, a network of man-made islands constructed in the shape of the ancient comedian's head, will spread out over the Mersey estuary and almost meet Liverpool's coastline on the other side. On each of the islands, living accommodation for over 2000 homeless Muslims will be built along with outreach facilities for travellers and disadvantaged Afro-Caribbean youths. The project is hoped to be completed within 30 years at a cost of up to £365 million.
However, many New Brighton residents were skeptical of the new developments, citing major flaws in the proposals. Jean-Claude van Seagal (real name withheld), 91, ranted that: 'I remember back in 1922 when Neptune first proposed an airship docking tower on Seabank Rd. Nothing has changed.'
Another concerned resident, Mrs. Felicity Upshorts, 103, moaned that many of her age group would be marginalised by the project. 'The construction jobs will go to building companies outside of the area. People my age will be left out in the cold.'
'Its a con,' dribbled ex-combine harvester replacement spares consultant, Hurt Witherspoon as he perused the model peninsula. 'They plan to make the central island from parts left over from their Doddyworld proposal of 1944!'
Ken Dodd, 123, was pleased with the computer mock-up and promised to declare the islands open, if still alive.
Rumours that the government, driven to extreme measures by shadowy forces within the global elite, will destroy the islands once populated, have been proven false by Merseyside police.