GLOBE DENIES LINK TO FAECIST GROUP


"I had written a number of letters for them in the past, mostly concerning the local Grifter-Chopper wars but when they asked me to write for them regularly, I was shocked.'" 'H'

The Wirral Groan reveals today the sordid truth surrounding the false letters scandal that is set to rock Merseyside, with local newspaper editors denying their part in the crisis.

The Wirral Globe today dismissed claims of 'mail-rigging' and refuted rumours of a so-called 'mole' who blew the whistle on them and their rivals, the Wirral News, this week. However, the crusading journalists at the Wirral Groan have uncovered the facts and are ready to back them up with the documents the paper believed to be secret.

During an ongoing investigation thought to have been inspired by the proliferation of 'dog dirt' letters in the local press, journalist Pierce Acetate discovered the whereabouts of a man known simply as 'Henry III', who told him that he had been writing outraged 'poo' letters for the Wirral Globe and Wallasey News since 1973. He showed our reporter hundreds of letters, many of them outrageously similar, to back up his claim.


"At that time, there was never enough letters to fill a page," said 'H' through a voice distortion beak last week. "So they contacted me. I had written a number of letters for them in the past, mostly concerning the local Grifter-Chopper wars but when they asked me to write for them regularly, I was shocked."

'H' continued to write for them for another three decades and has only broken his silence now because of other allegations that have been made and also because they have sacked him.


"They get their letters from an online 'dog dirtabase', where dog faecist organisations meet to chat about their experiences with 'street bagels''', he blurted indiscreetly across the bar of the Fudge Muppet in Seacombe's exclusive Aquarium district where he works as a part-time bar bender. 'They've no use for me now."

Others in the Wirral have come forward to share their own views in the light of the recent revelations. Mrs. C. Cum, of Bell End Terrace, Rock Ferry, also spotted something suspicious several months ago.

"I kept writing them a number of letters regarding a series of Hannibal Lecter-style killings in our neighbourhood," said the deflated mum of twelve from the comforting warmth of the local launderette. "But no matter how many people were slaughtered, the paper just ran months of dog dirt letters, many of them exactly the same, over and over again."

As if to prove her point, she brandished a copy of this week's Globe, indicating the letters page. "Three 'doggy dollop' letters! And wasn't this a record week for the number of pensioners flattened on Rowson St.? It all seems a little suspicious to me." Yami Qaju, also a regular contributor to the paper, believes sinister organisations who control world events from behind the scenes since the birth of civilisation are to blame.

"Dem a ras an' ting, bredder, d'ya get me?" said Qaju, 45 from his flat window overlooking Bargain Booze yesterday. "Me reckon poo fetishists have taken over Wirral News via the internet with a view to massaging the job figures on Merseyside. Top Job Nazis have merged with secret poo-loving cults to create a new wave of 'pooper scoopers', thereby reducing benefit claims by up to a third and bringing about a New World Order, based in Bebington."

We phoned up the Globe and asked them wether they'd like to respond to the allegations put forward by readers and contributors but they were all at a 'long lunch'.

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