5 Dec 2008
by our architectural correspondent Wade Bridge
Birkenhead was top of the league in the architectural style charts when a bold and colourful addition to Wirral's proud historical heritage was unveiled this afternoon.
Behind closed doors, one of the North West's most secretive entrepreneurs has turned the soon-to-be-closed library into a tanning and beauty salon. Angry staff are threatening to prosecute Wirral Council unless towels and other tanning equipment have been removed from the historic premises.
'It's impossible to work here, now,' droned unmarried librarian, Sue Drear, from behind the crack in her deliberately unattractive eye wear today. 'The steam from the sauna is ruining the pages of the book and there's a gushing sound coming from the Romance section'.
Dark forces at the head of the shadowy elite lurking within the secret cabals that control the New World Order have threatened retribution unless Wirral councillors come up with a strategic plan to cut services by 150%.
In desperation, MPs, despite recent current protests by groups such as Grans Against Government (GAG), have cleared the way for profit-hungry foreign businessmen such as Vladimir Sitovsky, a Belorussian billionaire who owns a string of clubs, football clubs and tanning salons, of which Bargain Tans is one.
We attempted to contact Mr. Sitovsky but he is at present scuba-diving in the Maldives at levels where water pressure can interfere with incoming email, even Bill Gates'.
Bargain Tans offer a unique £12.99 Lifetime Tan Special. For less than the cost of a night out at Peggy's, you can be tanned for life!