Skateboard Park gets Thumbs-Up

by our extreme sports correspondent Olly Weeler

Extreme sports enthusiasts were jumping for joy yesterday when it was announced that New Brighton is finally getting its own skate park.

The council gave the go-ahead for construction of the resort's first BMX, in-line and skateboard park and fans of the dangerous sports were jubilant that their dream, proposed almost 30 years ago, is due to be realised at last.

Local sports groups rejoiced when West New Brighton MP, Shankly Hacker, 39, confirmed the site for the park which is rumoured to be alongside the Marine Lake (soon to be Morrisons' Welfare-to-Work scheme headquarters).

'Who knew back in 1980 that our dream of a place to skate safely would one day reap rewards?' gurgled surly, implacable deforestation enabler Craig Fumbly, 46, of Boylake View, New Brighton. 'I'd like to thank several Wirral Council administrations for their patience in handling our proposal, especially those who are no longer with us. Unfortunately, many of the original crew will not be able to use the new park due to injuries sustained during extreme sports competitions on the M53, back in the 80's.'

The Associated Skate Board Organisation (ASBO) first proposed their idea to Wirral Council back in June, 1977, when skateboarding was still in its infancy in the UK.

Despite several well-orchestrated publicity stunts and petitions, ASBO failed to secure agreements from either local businesses or the council, forcing generations of skaters to take to the streets. Since then, over 5000 have been horribly disfigured or killed on Wirral's roads.

However, due to the re-emergence of the sport in the late 80's, and with top skaters like Tony Alva (66) earning millions of dollars, forward-thinking MP Shankly Hacker thought it was high-time they reconsidered the plans.

'I see this skate park not merely as a sports amenity but as a symbol of HOPE and CHANGE!' he said via megaphone from the sun roof of his Kevlar-coated Humvee before jetting off with his girl band for a short golfing cruise yesterday.

The project, slated for preliminary construction in late December 2044, will boast the latest state-of-the-art amenities including high-tech ramps constructed in the latest bio-degradable materials (wood).

Movie review

Click for full image

Evil librarians look out! Hitting cinema's December 24th is the book busting adventure of Captain Forks and the Underwater Library.

Captain Forks and the Underwater Library thrusts several "name" actors into the specialised world of Fat Packet. Packet, who has been writing science fiction ever since he teamed up with Rob Taxpaper, of Neptune Industries, directs this acclaimed sequel. Six Somalian shipwreck victims are rescued by a modernistic submarine containing strange 'W' markings.

The skipper is Captain Forks (Cllr Gary Forks), who had not died at the end of ‘20,000 Protestors at the end of the street’ as viewers had been led to believe. Instead, he has installed a fantastic underwater library, with swimming facilities, using this subterranean metropolis as a base of operations for his war against mankind.

Premier screening at Warner Village, Birkenhead or download it from our Wayne's torrent server, now.

Newbodome Construction reaches Seacombe Ferry

by out architectural correspondent Wade Bridge

Wirral's huge Newbodome, the biggest underglass peninsula in the world, has surpassed previous expectations by covering most of the area from New Brighton to Seacombe Ferry.

Neptune Developments are impatient to keep ahead of schedule and plan to have all of their 240,000 construction crew working 24/7 over the holidays. Rob Taxpayer, ND spokesman, exhaled with sanctimony as he excitedly relished his company's success to date. 'Neptune have exceeded its wildest expectations,' he gushed . 'We're already 50 years ahead of schedule but we don't want to become complacent. We aim to reach Rock Ferry by Tuesday lunch!'

Residents living along the Employment Corridor have been told to buy their own hard hats since over 20,000 Romanian double-glazing and loft insulation specialists have fallen to their deaths from the gigantic dome recently.

22 year-old Lloyd Bridge suffered severe cranial discomfort when a plummeting solar panel engineer fell on him when his harness (£12.99 Arsog DIY department) broke. Lloyd is recovering well at home and will leave intensive care on Friday.

Wirral Delegation arrives in Zimbabwe

by out political correspondent Peregrine Falcone

Wirral's beleaguered council leaders arrived in Harare last night for a series of private meetings with African dictator, Robert Mugabe.

Cllr. Gary Forks, Labour council leader, hopes the meetings will guide him through the tough decisions ahead, tackling Wirral’s failing economy and dealing with protesters and opposition groups .

Cllr. Forks presented President Mugabe with a one stop shop library as a token of Wirralien gratitude before heading off for 7-hour tour of the locals. “If it wasn’t for Robert, we’d be the worst serving administration, globally,” said Cllr. Forks today, from his suite in the presidential palace.

Wirral is poised to sign massive loan deals with Zimbabwe, which could see as much as 134 zillion Zimbabwean dollars (£68.90) flood into the local economy through deposits in Wirral's betting shops and tanning salons.

Cllr Forks and his aides will return to Wirral sometime in mid-2009 after an extensive, five-star safari tour of Somalia.

Bond 23 to be Filmed on Wirral!

by our celebrity correspondent Neil Spredham

Scallies watch out! Because secret agent 007 is coming to Wirral and this time he's a local!

That's right, the Wirral Groan can exclusively reveal definitive proof, leaked to us by secret sources sworn to secrecy, that the next James Bond movie will be filmed right here on Merseyside.

It's no secret, however, that current 007 actor, Craig David, is from the peninsula and it has been suggested by moles lurking deep within Pinewood Studios that the success of his previous outings as the agent has given him carte blanche when it comes to choosing locations for the next film.

Craig, pictured here pouting and jogging in New Brighton yesterday, was definitely keeping schtum about it but he did pause briefly to comment to reporters before sprinting off.

'The producers originally wanted to go to New Mexico for the new Bond film but I held them back', said ex-bouncer and DJ Craig, tremulously fingering the logo on his product-placement Speedos. 'I reminded them that it would be as twice as cheap to shoot in Birkenhead - and just as dangerous.'

Craig is confident that he can make it happen and added that Wirral Council had already offered their help to get the ball rolling. 'They've offered to sell the production company several listed buildings,' beamed Craig. 'So expect some fireworks!!'

The new Bond movie, provisionally titled Bond 23 (although sources close to my source tell me that The Kop is Not Enough is no longer being considered) could provide up to 5 seasonally-adjusted jobs for local youths with the best jobs in special effects and set construction going to lucky professionals from outside the area.

Also, rumours of Jennifer Ellison playing Bond girl Felicia Gripwood have been scotched as she is currently appearing as a contestant on Channel 5's Celebrity Come Gargling.

MPs Deliver Fatal Blow

by our political correspondent Peregrine Falcone

Wirral MP Frank Soil and Labour Council leader Gary Forks delivered a fatal blow to anti-cultural cuts protesters last night, as moves to deny public debate passed swiftly through the chamber.

In angry scenes which parallel those seen throughout Greece this month, Soil, 123, took action into his own hands.

“I came to the extraordinary meeting of the council's cultural cuts and cod fishery funds re-alignment meeting tonight to show my support for the proposals,” said Frank, on the steps of Wallasey town hall.

“These protesters are just ignorant scum and locals. We know conservative groups are behind the protests, but what do they offer as a solution? Gary and I came out here tonight to sort them out, just as we did New Labour”.

Soil, who is no stranger to anti-social behavior, grappled with grans, minors and fit swimming instructors as he tried to leave the meeting.

Union leaders and protest groups were disgusted at the scenes. Grans against Government (GAG) spokesperson, and serial arrestee, Joan Payments, 89, was, as normal, outraged. “Argggggghhhhh, my arm, yor gonna break it” she screamed, as police used non-confrontational restraining tactics banned by the Geneva Convention.

Merseyside police said they had arrested a number of protesters under the new Prevention of Freedom Act. “In the post 9/11 environment, legitimate protest and civil liberty cannot be tolerated”, laughed Detective Constable Paul Pott.

Top cop in bravery award

Wirral’s elite paper police received a ream of praise last night, as serving Merseyside officer, Flatt Packt, 180g, received the forces highest award for bravery.

PC Packt, who was honored alongside two of his three dimensional colleagues from Manchester’s crack Canalstreet-Unit, is the first Merseyside officer to receive the prestigious ‘Charles Manson award for outstanding bravery’.

Home secretary, Tessa Bowels, awarded the awards in a plush reception at the Home Office, London. Bowels made special mention of PC Packt, whose heroic actions have gripped the nation since that fateful day last October.

PC Packt was honored for the high profile arrests of several well known Anti Social Behavioral Orderlies in the notorious Birkenhead district, ‘North End Quarter’. Packt, who received several almost fatal puncture wounds during the arrest, spoke of his ordeal to a pensive audience of media folk and political aids.

“Im happy in the knowledge that my action has removed several banned hole punches from the streets of Birkenhead.” Said proud Packt yesterday. “I didn’t think my life was in danger. It wasn’t until paramedics pointed out that I had been punched over 60 times. That’s when I thought I had been written off,” he added.

“We are very proud of Constable Packt,” said Will Spray, Merseyside police public relationships development support manager. “At first many of our brave officers were unsure of cardboard policing. However, the amount of paper work done has been slashed and police can go back to what they do best. Ordering take-away,” he chortled whilst downing a glass of 1996 Don Perion Champaign.

PC Packt is set to return to Wirral’s mean streets in late 2009, when his sickness benefits will be denied alongside 300,000 other Wirraliens.

What causes facial injury?

Public awareness of, and concern for, facial safety has increased dramatically in the last few years. Official records indicate that one person in 500 suffers from a punch in the head each year, although the true figure is thought to be much, much higher.

Letts, Fleecem and Spenditt acts for a number of victims, including those who have suffered headbutts and kicks to the facial region.

What causes facial injury?

The presence of dangerous alcohol such as Lambrini, Hooch or White Lightning is thought to be responsible for most of the cases of facial injury. Also, your proximity to Wirral’s night clubs may exacerbate this condition.

Facial disfigurement can occur for a variety of reasons including unfaithfulness to a member of a violent family, semi-digested food being deposited on an unsuspecting member of the public, disinformation regarding pint ownership and poor hygiene standards in a public lavatory.

What do I do if I find myself the victim of facial injury?

If you suspect you have suffered from facial injury, it is important that you seek medical attention. This will usually mean going to see your GP. This will also assist in any subsequent legal claim, especially if he is a mate.

The Environmental Health Department of your local council has a responsibility to ensure that your head remain safe within their jurisdiction. If your head has suffered from a battering, it is important to contact them as soon as possible so that they can investigate the matter. In some cases, they may even prosecute the person responsible for kicking or punching your head, but don’t bank on it. Again, the results of any investigation by the Council may be helpful in any claim for compensation that you subsequently bring, especially if you are a mason.

Can I claim compensation for facial injury?

One of the difficulties with facial injury cases is proving that a particular source of drunken yobbo caused the health problems. Clearly, if a number of people have all suffered similar health problems and the only connection is that they all wound up a particular scally, this makes a claim much easier. Alternatively, if a sample of the scally (i.e. a trainer lace or kebab DNA) has been retained and can be tested later, this can be important evidence in a case.

The financial compensation awarded for facial injury is usually relatively modest. Remember that in addition to being compensated for the general pain and suffering, you are also likely to be able to claim for time off work or the cost of medical treatment and medicines.

If you are unable to find yourself in a position to blag compensation for facial injury, our crack team of ‘pre litigation injury facilitators’ will stop you outside your favourite hostelry and fuck you up, big time.

So, don’t delay. Mop up the blood (not too much) and get over to

Letts’ Fleecem and Spenditt!

Infographic: How your tax is spent

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With the current furore over council spending cuts reaching dizzying heights, the Wirral Groan set its graphics team the task to illustrate just how your money is being spent.


MP Frank Soil has made headlines again for his fearless and controversial plans for anti-social families.

And he should know. For Frank, 103, is none other than MP for Brekinhead, the notorious Merseyside ward where scum rule and the elderly are prey to attacks from rock-lobbing tots.

His plans, which were revealed last year to almost universal praise from Merseyside folk, were to re-house misbehaving families in bunkers under local motorways.

However, experts poured scorn on the proposal, claiming that the yobs would breed in captivity thereby unleashing a new genetic strain of hybrid super-scal on nearby communities.

However, the Groan can exclusively reveal that a team of scientists has been working on a proposal that could see Frank’s dreams come true – only in orbit.

Our scientific correspondent, Sheena Kidd, went to Crim Jet Systems Inc, Bromborough, to see how work is progressing on a space platform that is literally out of this world.

“We read Frank’s article in Ha! magazine,” explained Jet Clintwood, founder of ‘Crim Jet Systems’. “We believe any decent society should try and prevent dysfunctional families from being a menace. But when all other methods fail, punishments should be applied - in our case by re-housing them in orbit”.

Crim Jet Systems is a Wirral-based space agency working under license with Wirral Space Port.

The plan met with approval from local MPs. “Cut their benefits and stick them under the motorway - we first thought that was a great idea", enthused MP for Egremont, Lyndsey Doyle, speaking from the One Stop Shop at Wallasey Town Hall (now Sandraz Kutz). "Now, with the Crim Lift Proposal, if they continue to misbehave, we can not only cut their benefits but reduce their oxygen at the same time!”

Originally designed by Crimlift Industries of Bromborough, the Space platform concept was intended for the delivery of cargo into orbit without the use of costly rockets.

However, the idea was shelved for a decade until a consortium, headed by MP Frank Soil and a cabal of politicians and footballers, came on board to rescue the plan for their Homes for Hooligans Initiative, currently under debate in Parliament.

The consortium, Space Homes for Incessant Troublemakers (S.H.I.T.), plan to use the platform to transport anti-social families into orbit as fears that earth-bound facilities would lead to inter-breeding and hooligan solidarity.

However many local angry residents and elderly have conveyed dismay at yet more talk and no action.

“Wirral Council are a complete failure when it comes to tackling ASBO’s," spat Doug Coldplay, leader of local moaners' committee, No to Brekinhead's Anti-Social Space Station (NOBASSS). "Blasting errant youth into space won't solve the problem. It just creates fear amongst a people already divided by the evil forces that control the puppetmasters lurking deep within Merseyside's satanic elite". He punctuated his statement by tapping both index and middle finger of his right hand against the right side of his substantial nose.

>Wirral Groan Extra - How it works

A forum on Crimlift’s website debated whether the proposal was legal, infringing as it does the inalienable civil rights of human beings.

One message, from an enraged ASBOY from the North End, promised retaliation if his family were forced to move from their steel-shuttered semi. “You can tell Frank Soil that if him and his mob want to ship us off to space we will enlist inter-planetary mercenaries from all over the galaxy to remove him and his cabal from Earth, thereby upsetting the delicate balance of power used by the Labour council to keep the masses enslaved on Merseyside.”

Another message was in favour of the scheme. “For years now, scum from Rock Ferry have been destroying the neighbourhood with their savage dogs, minging slags and unwanted syringes but now we can rid ourselves of them for ever or at least until their oxygen gives out.”

We rang Frank Soil at his office in the House of Commons yesterday to ask him for a comment but his secretary said his craft was on the far side of the moon and would not be in radio communication until after Coronation St.



A new, Priory-style rehabilitation clinic is to be built on the site of the old Scout buildings in lower Neswall due to a petition signed by the wealthy parents.

The petition, plus the publication of a recent survey, have led local councillors to re-evaluate the proposal in favor of the scheme which will provide first class treatment to clients addicted to drugs and alcohol.

One parent, who declined to be named because of her marriage to a footballer, said she had signed the petition because the nearest rehab was over 5 miles away in Bromborough. “Although my son is only three, I still believe they’re never too young to give them the best,” smiled Mrs. Court-Swallowing from the palatial extension of her beautiful 14-bedroom mansion in Neswall’s exclusive Footie Fortress. “That’s why my husband and I have signed him up for the clinic now so as to prevent any delays in admission when he’s a teenager.”

Many others feel that the clinic’s presence in the area may also be beneficial to the local economy. Njërd Assfatgrabber, who played a blinder in last month’s semi-final against Bromborough Galaxico, welcomes the notoriety the clinic’s celebrity clientele brings with it.

“We already have enough people to create our own Rich Republic here in Lower Neswall,” he said from the bucket seat of his lovingly-preserved 1925 Hispano-Suiza. “With a few rock stars drying out about the place we can start raking in the tourist cash with guided tours.”

However, opinion was divided between other residents who fear their children will not be able to afford the expensive treatment afforded by the clinic. Mrs Comdot, of Yertew Close, Neswall, wept yesterday as the builders moved onto the site. “My son, Verbal, has been addicted to crystal brek for three years.” she moaned. “The clinic is charging £3000 a week with designer medicines, such as Versace’s Methadonatella range, at £500 a litre!”

Wirral Groan have obtained exclusive blueprints of the new building. They look great.


"I had written a number of letters for them in the past, mostly concerning the local Grifter-Chopper wars but when they asked me to write for them regularly, I was shocked.'" 'H'

The Wirral Groan reveals today the sordid truth surrounding the false letters scandal that is set to rock Merseyside, with local newspaper editors denying their part in the crisis.

The Wirral Globe today dismissed claims of 'mail-rigging' and refuted rumours of a so-called 'mole' who blew the whistle on them and their rivals, the Wirral News, this week. However, the crusading journalists at the Wirral Groan have uncovered the facts and are ready to back them up with the documents the paper believed to be secret.

During an ongoing investigation thought to have been inspired by the proliferation of 'dog dirt' letters in the local press, journalist Pierce Acetate discovered the whereabouts of a man known simply as 'Henry III', who told him that he had been writing outraged 'poo' letters for the Wirral Globe and Wallasey News since 1973. He showed our reporter hundreds of letters, many of them outrageously similar, to back up his claim.

"At that time, there was never enough letters to fill a page," said 'H' through a voice distortion beak last week. "So they contacted me. I had written a number of letters for them in the past, mostly concerning the local Grifter-Chopper wars but when they asked me to write for them regularly, I was shocked."

'H' continued to write for them for another three decades and has only broken his silence now because of other allegations that have been made and also because they have sacked him.

"They get their letters from an online 'dog dirtabase', where dog faecist organisations meet to chat about their experiences with 'street bagels''', he blurted indiscreetly across the bar of the Fudge Muppet in Seacombe's exclusive Aquarium district where he works as a part-time bar bender. 'They've no use for me now."

Others in the Wirral have come forward to share their own views in the light of the recent revelations. Mrs. C. Cum, of Bell End Terrace, Rock Ferry, also spotted something suspicious several months ago.

"I kept writing them a number of letters regarding a series of Hannibal Lecter-style killings in our neighbourhood," said the deflated mum of twelve from the comforting warmth of the local launderette. "But no matter how many people were slaughtered, the paper just ran months of dog dirt letters, many of them exactly the same, over and over again."

As if to prove her point, she brandished a copy of this week's Globe, indicating the letters page. "Three 'doggy dollop' letters! And wasn't this a record week for the number of pensioners flattened on Rowson St.? It all seems a little suspicious to me." Yami Qaju, also a regular contributor to the paper, believes sinister organisations who control world events from behind the scenes since the birth of civilisation are to blame.

"Dem a ras an' ting, bredder, d'ya get me?" said Qaju, 45 from his flat window overlooking Bargain Booze yesterday. "Me reckon poo fetishists have taken over Wirral News via the internet with a view to massaging the job figures on Merseyside. Top Job Nazis have merged with secret poo-loving cults to create a new wave of 'pooper scoopers', thereby reducing benefit claims by up to a third and bringing about a New World Order, based in Bebington."

We phoned up the Globe and asked them wether they'd like to respond to the allegations put forward by readers and contributors but they were all at a 'long lunch'.

Holy Grail found on Wirral?

Archeology buffs have been flocking to the Wirral as rumors of the location of the Holy Grail flood internet chat rooms and blogs.

Images surfaced Monday night on the popular social networking site Fistbook which claims to show the first signs of what could be the find of the millennium. Local Masons descended on the secret location located in Nebbington’s fashionable golfing quarter, in order to verify the find.

“This find could mean the security of Wirral development proposals for the next three millennia,” said Flogg Harshly, Grand Master of the Nebbington Lodge, from the window of his chauffeur-driven X-type Jaguar.

World leaders demanded restraint last night, calling on Wirral council to take drastic measures in order to secure the find for global religious and elderly groups.

“If this is the Grail, then it will ensure future employment for up to 7 people”, said Gary Forks, Wirral council leader. “I’d like to see these protestors faces when I open the Grail box from the balcony of the town hall next Wednesday” he added in a German accent.

Groan staff tried to contact veteran Welsh archeologist, Prestatyn Jones, who originally posted the image on his Fistbook profile. Mr. Jones was unavailable for comment and has not been seen online or at his local tanning salon since the discovery was first made public.

A spokesperson for Wirral’s cardboard police unit said they were taking measures to secure the site, but crumpled when questioned about shadowy new world order links to the disappearance of Mr Jones.

Have you seen the Holy Grail? Have your local elderly suddenly gained a new lease of ever-lasting life? Contact the Wirral Groan today.

New Shitharg Movie out this week!

(click on pic to enlarge)

After being nominated in practically every category in last week's Lower Nebbington Action, Horror and Sc-Fi mini-festival and winning the 'Best Use of Nunchakus in a Love Scene' award, Captain Shitharg's EU-funded action thriller 'Tug Hard' finally hits the multiplexes this week. Be sure to order your DVD or download it from our site with a virus of your inadvertent choice.

Mega Council Sale Starts Boxing Day!

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Police cut-out scheme to be extended

By our crime correspondent Lance Boil

Controversial plans to replace Wirral’s police force with cardboard cut-outs have been deemed a massive success by local moaners and police today.

Crime rates across the borough have been slashed by up to 0.12% as over 600 life-sized cut-outs were placed at strategic locations across Wirral.

However, the increased presence of cardboard police have seen many criminals fold in their quest for control of Wirral’s roughest streets.

“Our community cardboard liaison officers have made several high-profile arrests,” exclaimed Sergeant Will Spray of Merseyside Police. “We’ve taken eight box cutters and two staplers off the streets since this operation started, something we can all say will make Wirral a safer place” he added.

Local human rights groups are not impressed. “Police brutality has increased since the operation started with one elderly lady receiving several deep paper cuts as one officer fell on her” said Shaka Khant, of the New Brighton-based human rights watchdogs, ‘Residents Against Police Enforcement Directives’ (RAPED).

Council leaders were so impressed by ‘Operation Roach’ that they have decided to extend the scheme to all chamber members.

“Due to the current animosity of locals towards their elected leaders, we have decided to install a series of life-sized cut-outs who will represent the council at the forthcoming forum meetings,” said Gary Forks, Labour council leader.

Cardboard police officers will be installed at all Wirral police stations from March 2009 with cardboard patrol cars stepping up activities around Deeside’s Shotton Paper mill.

Catholic kids blow for success

Child stars from ‘Gone with the Wind farm’

By our crime correspondent Lance Boil

Pupils from St Peter and St Paul’s catholic school were recovering last night after being ambushed by anti-wind farm protestors, amidst what Merseyside police described as 'turbulent scenes'.

Angry protest group, Grans Against Polluted Environments (GAPE), disrupted the opening night of ‘Gone with the Wind Farm’, an environmentally-concerned play written and performed by New Brighton schoolchildren to heighten awareness of wind farm technology and global environmental armeggedons.

Up to 17 protestors were arrested at the scene for public order offences and one for public indecency as the protest group, armed with hairdryers and Chinese fans, destroyed costumes and hair styling with massive outbursts of wind.

“Our actions highlights the dangers of wind,” said GAPE regional organizer Gale Miller. “It is sick that the Catholic Church is exploiting our school children to propagate government lies regarding wind farm technology. Our digital espionage team has uncovered plans to turn Wirral into the biggest wind farm on Earth. The council plans to sell the energy created to Herberts' to power his proposed open-air steam baths development.”

“I was totally caught with my tunic up” says Father Don Brasco. “I was just backstage with one of the boys when the commotion started. All hell broke loose” he preached.

As shocked parents grappled with protestors one mother, who refused to be named, said that she wasn’t surprised at the action.

“We’ve heard rumors that the council wants to turn St Peter and St Paul’s into a central processing center for wind farm scientists. This area has had enough scientist. We don’t need outsiders coming in stealing our research grants” she bellowed.

GAPE members stormed into trouble earlier this year when six of their members scaled the 200 foot tall windmill, located on top of the old Bargain Tans Salon in Foilake village.

Merseyside police refused to comment on the action last night only saying that an investigation into the event may start as soon as January 2010.

Embed with Claire Sweeney

by our war correspondent Pat Riotact

The Wirral Groan scooped all of its rivals this week when it dispatched its latest embedded journalist to cover the war in Afghanistan.

Nonplussed squaddies gasped in practically-controlled arousal when celebrity Claire Sweeney rode into their midst on Tuesday. For Claire, 53, it was like a homecoming. She was embed with the Cheshires in Iraq in 2002 and again repeatedly during the Kosovo war.

This time though, Claire will not be singing for the men of the regiment. Instead, she will be writing a weekly column for the Wirral Groan, detailing the daily lives of Wirral soldiers.

Claire, who has just returned from a singing tour of Guantanamo Bay, is delighted to be back in the thick of it. 'Am buzzen', she claimed from the safety of a security zone today. 'The lads have welcomed me back with open arms'.

Claire, 23, is due to go on maneuvers with the Cheshires and hopes to see some action while she's with the regiment once she's finished recording her new single, 'Nips on Fire', with fellow ex-Brookside superstar Jennifer Ellison. 'Its a follow-up to me last single, Hips of Steel, which was about me mum's operation. It didn't sell many copies but the lads in Guantanamo seemed to love it. They played it 437 times a day!'

Claire, 15, is currently appearing in Tits in Boots at the Floral Pavilion.

Angry mob confront protestor

A protestor was arrested last night amid angry scenes at Seacombe Town Hall, as councilors discussed the forthcoming leisure cuts in an emergency meeting.

Merseyside police deployed its 200-strong ‘mop-up’ squad to deal with the 1-strong riot, which broke out last night, and continued for at least 3 minutes. “Last night took valuable resources away from Birkenhead’s fashionable Latin quarter. “ Said community development Sergeant, Will Spray.

The angry protestor, Dave Krust, was arrested for a public disorder offence, when he refused to remove his dreadlocks when asked.

Angry Hurst shouted “no more cuts” as he was led away by police to an awaiting ice cream van.

Council leaders refused to comment on the incident as they left the council meeting via private helicopter, supplied by Neptune Developments Inc.

Local area forums are due to start in the new year, when residents will be asked their opinions of the closures, after the land has already been sold.

Newbodome Construction Steams Ahead.

Newbodome's expansion reaches Birkenhead docks this weekend.

by our architectural correspondent Wade Bridge

Residents of Wirral's Unemployment Corridor awoke this morning without the sunlight they're accustomed to pouring through their windows.

For, in just three days, Neptune developments Newbodome has reached the Egremont border with up to 150sq. miles now completed.

The staggering achievement has been made possible with radical, bleeding-edge nano-technology leading the way forward. Architect, Keith Czegwind, of Neptune Developments, explained to the Groan exactly how the dome has broken records for building construction.

'With massive investment from a generous but sinister force lurking deep within the dark societies at the heart of the New World Order, we've been able to employ methods previously thought financially untenable,' said Keith from NP's luxurious riverside offices in Seacombe. 'By using tiny nanobots to knit the web-like surface of the dome's unique roofing fabric, we should be on schedule to completely cover Rock Ferry by next Wednesday.'

The Wirral Groan attempted to interview a member of the team of nanobots currently working on the dome, but they were too small.

Are you affected by the Newbodome? Have your say in the Wirral Groan's lively letters page.

Wirral hosts NEET summit

Wirral NEET’s arriving at Floral Pavilion for two day seminar

NEET’s (not in education, employment or training) have been flocking to the Floral Pavilion this week, as Wirral hosts the very first national NEET summit, in a desperate bid to massage unemployment figures.

Hosted by famed American hypnotherapist, Dr. Ormond McGill, the two day seminar will see many of Wirral’s out-of-control young unemployed ‘hypnotized’ back into work.

The tab for the two day event is being picked up by Wirral councils flagship Department for Behavioral Educational Correction, at the estimated cost of 28 million Zimbabwean dollars.

New Brighton locals are slightly annoyed at not being consulted about the event, which has seen over 20,000 NEET’s bused in from as far away as Nebbington and Foilake. “It’s been a bloody nightmare” said one angry local, who requested not to be named, over a stewed brew at the Sea Side café. “You can’t walk the prom for yokkers or brek ends” he added.

“This is just another example of One Stop Wirral” said Betty Fords, 98, New Brighton youth liaison officer. “We thought the Floral Pavilion would be for entertainment, but the council’s real aims are to turn it into an underwater library and migrant worker processing centre. We’ve seen plans to create an ‘Xfactor’ style show using NEET’s to remove jobless from the unemployment figures”.

As the event winds up to a close, Dr McGill is promising drastic results. “Our seminars have proved very successful with US Homeland security in convincing illegal aliens they should return to their countries of origin”. I’m sure two days of my seminar will ensure these NEET’s promptly sign off from JSA or your money back”.

A police spokesperson added that during the seminar incidents of anti-social behavior was drastically reduced by 0.5% across the borough.

Newbodome Project is given Thumbs Up

by our architectural correspondent Wade Bridge

Neptune Developments have finally been given the go-ahead to develop their flagship project today.

One-Stop Wirral, the name given to ND's grand scheme, was greeted with enthusiasm by both Masons and Wirraliens alike. Local residents are hopeful that the new project will attract skilled builders and labourers from outside the area and provide up to 12 jobs during peak summer periods.

The plan is to turn the Wirral into a gigantic one-stop shop, where the nations' unemployed can go to claim tax, housing and unemployment benefits, all under one enormous dome.

Work has begun on the £386 billion project with the infrastructure already beginning to take shape along the shore front at Harrison Drive. Earlier in the week, pensioners and the local unemployed were given a screening of a film which showed how the dome would cover the peninsula from the Dee estuary to the Mersey and from New Brighton to Ellesmere Port.

Rob Taxpayer, spokesperson for Neptune, attempted to preemptively assure moaners' associations that the cost would be justified. 'The project isn't due to start until Neptune turn the Wirral into a republic in 2013', projected Rob, indicating his secretary's PowerPoint spreadsheet.'By the time it's finished in 2130, a cup of tea will cost £256,000 so the savings will be enormous!'

Features of the Dome will include a giant Morrison's which will house the 40,000-seat Housing Benefit Office, an underwater library and a over-60's skate park with wheelchair access.

Critics of the Newbodome project have pointed out certain environmental disasters that may occur due to flaws in the planning stages. Hildred Shed, 87, of protest group Grans Against Greenhouse Gases In Nature's Garden (GAGGING) say her group's members are worried about the impact the dome may have on the delicate ecological balance of Wirral's natural beauty spots. 'Many of our elderly activists grow plants', said Hildred. 'With sunlight reduced to practically zero throughout the year, many of their plants will die and pensioners will have to survive solely on their benefits'.

Sources close to Neptune Development informed the Groan that a agreement had been reached with a secret cabal of global industrialists and bankers and that a staggering 50 square miles covering most of Wallasey Village and New Brighton had already been completed (see picture).

Police reports that Claire Sweeney is due to open the first stage of Newbodome have proved false.

Wirral Girl Group to Launch World Tour

By out showbiz correspondent Neil Spredham

Girls Akimbo, the latest girl group to come out of the Wirral, announced plans to launch their world tour this week.

Band members, Little Joy, Hope, Mareeeshah and Prentonella spoke to the Wirral Groan, shortly after winding up rehearsals at their plush riverside studios in Neswall.

WG: You must be very excited about your tour?

Joy: Yeah, we're buzzen.

Mareeeshah: It's all gone mental since they saw me spread in the Wirral Groan last month.

Prentonella: Me ma's made up for us. I told me dad about the tour and he's going to try and get parole so he can see us!

WG: What about the critics who say you're music is just contrived and superficial?

Hope: That's wicked! I thought they didn't like us!

WG: Didn't the sudden death of all four members of your stablemates' group, 2Chix/2Dix, enable you to take their place on the tour?

Joy: Its' a wide-open opportunity for us.

Hope: Yeah, we're gagging for a chance to show off what we've got down south.

Mareeeshah: And lots of our male fans want to see us down under, too.

WG: You have fans in Australia?

Girls Akimbo: Yer wha?

Tour dates:

Jan 09, Floral Pavilion.
February 10, Elderlies, Liscard.
February 29, Deeside Leisure Centre (if still open)

Further dates to be announced.

(click on image for larger version)

B'head Library Sold

by our architectural correspondent Wade Bridge

Birkenhead was top of the league in the architectural style charts when a bold and colourful addition to Wirral's proud historical heritage was unveiled this afternoon.

Behind closed doors, one of the North West's most secretive entrepreneurs has turned the soon-to-be-closed library into a tanning and beauty salon. Angry staff are threatening to prosecute Wirral Council unless towels and other tanning equipment have been removed from the historic premises.

'It's impossible to work here, now,' droned unmarried librarian, Sue Drear, from behind the crack in her deliberately unattractive eye wear today. 'The steam from the sauna is ruining the pages of the book and there's a gushing sound coming from the Romance section'.

Dark forces at the head of the shadowy elite lurking within the secret cabals that control the New World Order have threatened retribution unless Wirral councillors come up with a strategic plan to cut services by 150%.

In desperation, MPs, despite recent current protests by groups such as Grans Against Government (GAG), have cleared the way for profit-hungry foreign businessmen such as Vladimir Sitovsky, a Belorussian billionaire who owns a string of clubs, football clubs and tanning salons, of which Bargain Tans is one.

We attempted to contact Mr. Sitovsky but he is at present scuba-diving in the Maldives at levels where water pressure can interfere with incoming email, even Bill Gates'.

Bargain Tans offer a unique £12.99 Lifetime Tan Special. For less than the cost of a night out at Peggy's, you can be tanned for life!

Gimme Shelter: Friday's Neptune Proposal

by our architectural correspondent Wade Bridge

Next in line for Neptune Developments' continuing proposals for the re-gentrification of New Brighton's historic sea-front is this radical new design for the old shelters which form part of the ailing resorts' amenities.

Neptune spokesperson, Rob Taxpayer, announced the proposals at a sumptuous secret ceremony of the town's Masonic Lodge at the weekend during which teenage boys were flogged along with several of Birkenhead's heritage sites.

'This is yet another prong in our multi-forked strategy to civilise the puritanical and backward society Wirral has become,' said Rob over a quail. 'With our new utilitarian architecture, we aim to achieve a conceptual continuity between the resort and other out-of-town facilities, such as Argos or Iceland.'

Christmas plunged into chaos as Santas strike

By our crime correspondent Lance Boil

Angry Santa Unions today held protest across the Wirral, closing down the A45 fly over intersection for almost 20 minutes, in their latest stunt to safeguard pending job losses.

Wirral’s Santa Unions are up in arms over recent claims that the group Santas Against Deductions (SAD) were discriminating against the floods of Eastern European Saint Nicolas’, who have flocked to the borough in recent months in search of work.

Merseyside police escorted the protest, requiring 100 police officers, two helicopters, 28 tasers and 50 litres of CS spray, to contain the 17 strong crowd.

“I’ve never seen anything like it” screamed one angry commuter from his twin-spark red Alfa Romeo. “I’m never going to get this Kidney to Arrow Park in time now” he yelled.

Eastern European actors and performing midgets are currently being held at an undisclosed location, near Burton woods. SAD are demanding the closure of this holding camp, in what is being dubbed as ‘little Prague’ by locals. In a statement issued by SAD they claim “many people will think [the camp] is a big ‘Grotto Land’. This puts British jobs at risk at a time when holding onto your career is as hard as emptying your sack in a oner”.

Police made two arrests during the protest for minor offences and have added the names to their naughty list

VD Sports in staff award

Winning Zachary (right) with VDSports chairman Nick Tings (left)

Wirral based VD Sports today announced it is honoring its longest serving staff member.

Zachary Lacosty first started working at the very first branch of VD Sports back in 1952. Back then, the business started by selling imported leisure wear, confiscated from the Third Reich by allied forces, out of the back of a cart on Discard road. Today VD Sports are one of the biggest suppliers of genetically modified leisure wear in the Wirral and maybe the world.

Mr. Lacosty, a junior sales assistant, says he has never taken a day off in almost 60 years of service. “The staff discount is great, I’ve got every color variation of Addidas there is. Me mates hate me” said Mr Lacosty from the flashy Liscard showcase store. “I’m honored to get this award and hope it means I can now get above the minimum wage. But I understand times are hard right now, what with the economic downturn, locals are back to wearing only one tracksuit a fortnight.”

However, VD Sports chairman and founder, Nick Tings, remains optimistic. “With the credit crunch comes the need for comfortable and relaxing clothing. We are very proud of all of Zachary’s achievements and we are pleased to honor him with this limited edition gold threaded one piece suit”.

Wirral MP Arrested in Dawn Raid

>by our political correspondent Peregrine Falcone
Wirral Vice Squad detectives uncovered more than they bargained for when they raided one of the region's most notorious sex clubs last night.

Of the 23 men arrested for lewd behaviour, one is believed to be West Brighton MP, Shankly Hacker. Hacker, 36, whose upcoming trial for alleged mis-realignment of public funds starts next Friday, will appear at Wirral Magistrates Court tomorrow morning, charged with lascivious conduct with a miner.

Detectives from the Vice Squad were jubilant yesterday but warned the public that successful police operations like this were a thing of the past. 'We do our best with limited resources', said Det. Saddam Chernobyl after Hacker's arrest. 'But a result like this is becoming less and less commonplace and we, as a police, become frustrated that we can't do more to protect the public'.

4am Thursday 4th December.
Detectives wielding battering rams burst through the doors of a house in a quiet part of Nebbington, Wirral, to find 37 men and one woman committing bukkake while, in several rooms around the five-bedroom, detached property, officers arrested couples engaging in acts too gynecological to mention in a family newspaper. A number of the men escaped and, despite a police search lasting nine hours, none were found on the premises.

Shankly Hacker was a schoolboy soccer star whose signing with the Queens Arms Dynamo jettisoned the squad into the 1st Division of the West Liscard Sunday League in 1996.

After a trial with the Royal Oak went disastrously tragic, he was offered a post as a trainee sound engineer at Neptunes, Liscard's top music store, before trying his hand at politics three years ago.

He joined Wirral Council shortly afterward and, in 2006, Hacker became Mason of the Year, one week after joining the Grand Imperial Lodge of New Ferry.

However, six months later, his acquisition of 200 acres of Unemployment Corridor left him almost bankrupt. He bounced back briefly when, in 2007, he was awarded Special Proposals Officer for Neptune Developments and became engaged to girlfriend Mareeeshah out of Girls Akimbo but Hacker has since been named in the recent scandals involving missing tax payers' money and off-shore cod fishery investment.

Hacker's tireless campaigning for needle exchanges in all his constituency's dogging parks brought him to the political forefront and made him many enemies, some of whom will be tonight enjoying a quiet chuckle at the thought of this arrest and his current problems as a whole.

Girls Akimbo turn Birkenhead on

Wirral dignitary and celebrities gathered in Birkenhead’s luxury shopping street to celebrate the switching on of the Christmas lights.

Locals, many of them elderly, took on the arctic temperatures for a glimpse of Merseyside’s girl band sensation, Girls Akimbo. The crowd rejoiced as the girl band members flicked the big red switch, and turned the town on.

Due to budget cut backs at Wirral council this season a deal was done with local food stores, QuickTake, who have sponsored the festive carbon emission bonanza.

“We couldn’t let Birkenhead go dull this Christmas” said ecstatic Vladimir Crackovski, QuickTake marketing and eastern European business development manager. “Girls Akimbo are very wide spread in my country, I’m so happy we could facilitate them” he added.

Ten’s of locals endured freezing rain and wind, many of them joining the crowds from as far afield as Neston. “We’ve driven down from Little Neston tonight to see the Girls. We love Girls Akimbo and this way it doesn’t affect my ASBO conditions” said one happy middle aged fan that declined to give his name.

The switch flicking was followed by performances from Girls Akimbo supported by dancers from Wirral Grammar girl’s school.

Merseyside police said the event went off without arrest but were seeking the where-a-bouts of a 6 foot inflatable mule, taken from the bouncy castle nativity scene.

Birkenhead MP sails into choppy waters

Guinea Gap regulars forced to swim at Marine lake as council cut backs set in

Veteran Birkenhead MP, Frank Soil, has told angry pensioners to go ‘swim in the Mersey’ in the latest row over Wirral Council leisure funding cuts.

Angry Frank, 103, said in a letter to the Wirral Groan today that “budget cuts were necessary to ensure council leaders can make repayments to shadowy new world order types.”

“I’ve been representing this area since 1867. Back then we didn’t have books and communal bath houses. If we fancied a dip we’d have to hike 50 miles to an abandoned quarry in Deeside” said Speedo Classic-clad Soil from the steps of the Marine Lake. “Merseymud is an excellent defoliant also. Rich people would pay good money for this! We’ve been giving it away free for decades and this is the thanks we get” added Frank, as he plunged into the murky depths.

Protest groups have gathered pace, with members of the social networking website Fistbook leading the way. Over 1000 members of the site have signed an online petition to see Mr Soil and his colleagues at Wirral council get a good ducking in the deep end.

“Frank can flipper off” raged one irate poster. “No bombing!” spat another in what is proving to be a lively online debate.

Fistbook members have organized a protest due to take place as Mr Soil is giving a key note speech to developers on Anti-Social Containment architecture next Wednesday.

Jobless to face Voight-Kampf tests

By our social affairs correspondent Myra Hingly

A new Job Seekers allowance application in process

Wirral’s jobless are to face new stringent Voight-Kampf tests, developed by US Homeland Security, in a desperate bid to reduce unemployment figures.

The new system, which analyses fluctuation of the pupil and involuntary dilation of the iris, can detect benefit cheats within a matter of hours.

Controversy surrounds the new technology with unions fearing possible redundancies among job-realignment officers in the region and the planet as a whole.

Birkenhead MP, Frank Soil, feels differently. “These new machines will ensure we keep unemployment figures to a minimum and slash the amount of benefit payments. If people are working more than 20 minutes a week, including household chores and cooking, then they are obviously fit for work”.

Lazy jobless face a ‘one strike and you’re out’ policy, which many fear will affect their high scores on Guitar Hero.

New, New Neptune Developments Development Set to Go-Ahead

by our architectural correspondent Wade Bridge

Massive gasps of awed admiration were involuntarily drawn from impressed onlookers last Tuesday when Neptune Developments unveiled their latest proposals for New Brighton, the thirteenth so far this week.

Neptune, whose Lisa Tarbuck AIDS clinic was forced into liquidation last month, say that their new project plans to dwarf those of the clinic and would put the ailing seaside resort back on the map.

Rob Taxpayer, Neptune's head honcho and spokeperson for the group, was hopeful of a timely go-ahead for the project. 'The clever lad in the computer room has come up with a model that will stun tetchy residents into silence this time', said a confident Rob at a press conference at the New Brighton Community centre today. 'The new Ken Dodd off-coast development will put even the most elderly and hesitant of minds at rest.'

The project, a network of man-made islands constructed in the shape of the ancient comedian's head, will spread out over the Mersey estuary and almost meet Liverpool's coastline on the other side. On each of the islands, living accommodation for over 2000 homeless Muslims will be built along with outreach facilities for travellers and disadvantaged Afro-Caribbean youths. The project is hoped to be completed within 30 years at a cost of up to £365 million.

However, many New Brighton residents were skeptical of the new developments, citing major flaws in the proposals. Jean-Claude van Seagal (real name withheld), 91, ranted that: 'I remember back in 1922 when Neptune first proposed an airship docking tower on Seabank Rd. Nothing has changed.'

Another concerned resident, Mrs. Felicity Upshorts, 103, moaned that many of her age group would be marginalised by the project. 'The construction jobs will go to building companies outside of the area. People my age will be left out in the cold.'

'Its a con,' dribbled ex-combine harvester replacement spares consultant, Hurt Witherspoon as he perused the model peninsula. 'They plan to make the central island from parts left over from their Doddyworld proposal of 1944!'

Ken Dodd, 123, was pleased with the computer mock-up and promised to declare the islands open, if still alive.

Rumours that the government, driven to extreme measures by shadowy forces within the global elite, will destroy the islands once populated, have been proven false by Merseyside police.

Radio DJ Plumbs the Depths

Merseyside celebrity and Radio CMN disc jockey, Pete Pric (pictured) grabbing a couple of lengths at soon-to-be-closed Guinea Gap Baths.

Pete, 87, said: 'I fully support the residents of Seacombe and the Unemployment Corridor in their fight to protect services in the Wirral. I've spent many years of my life paddling in the shallow end and I enjoy swimming, too.'

Pete Pric is currently appearing alongside Ken Dodd and Capt. Steve Shitharg in Prats of the Caribbean, at the Floral Pavilion. Half price for the elderly and/or deranged.

Police launch festive drinking binge

By our crime correspondent Lance Boil

Merseyside Police have been bingeing on drink drivers in their latest publicity stunt to promote awareness of police activity this Christmas.

Concerns amongst cash-strapped publicans that the police are using heavy methods have gone unheeded by local authorities and anti-binge, drink-driving campaigners.

“We take a zero tolerance approach to binge drink-driving. Anyone caught will be placed inside an over-sized pint glass and made to stay there till boxing day” said Merseyside Chief Inspector, Jawn Diss, from the back room of Peggy Gadfly’s.

Merseyside police have secured 60 over-sized pint glasses with the help of European funding which they hope to keep filled with hungover motorists until January 5th.

Wirral 'brick artist' wins Art Prize

By culture correspondent Phil Istine

Birkenhead artist, Rob Meter, has become the first Wirralien to win the Turner Prize with his life-size installations of OAP’s made from LEGO.

Barmy Rob, a controversial figure on the Birkenhead cultural scene, was in London to accept the £20,000 prize. “It’s buzzin, like, but I hope me work placement integration officer isn’t watching this. I can’t imagine job Nazi’s watching Channel 4? Corries on right now.”

Rob Meter shocked the art world with a series of life-sized figures, made out of abandoned LEGO he found washed up alongside the Wirral coastline. “It took me three years to find the last piece. That 2 by 8 yellow brick was a crusade, but it was well worth it.”

His winning piece, entitled, ‘Amy Winehouse enjoys a day at the beach’, impressed the judges as a piece of ‘neo-popism’.

“Rob Meter is the black sheep of the art world. There is nothing better than awarding the prize to these unemployed, untalented and, more importantly, obnoxious young artists. It really pisses the Stuckists off!”, said Damien Burst, one of this year's Turner Prize jurors.

Meter’s creation will stay on exhibition at the Tate Modern in London until next year when he plans to take them on a massive tour of Wirral.

A police spokesman said an investigation into a series of ram raids at Toys-R-Us has revealed no connection.

Ping-Poong Raises a Stink at Liscard Sports Day

by our sports correspondent Lee Purdles

A local moaners association caused mayhem at the weekend when they gatecrashed a local school's sports day.

Grans Against Excrement or GAE, have claimed responsibility for the attack and barricaded themselves into the sports hall, refusing to surrender until their demands have been met.

The chaos began shortly after the second heat of the under-12 inter-Wirral Table Tennis tournament when members of the group managed to substitute the ball for a large dollop of dog excrement. The two boys managed to rally the turd a startling 200 times before the crowd and the ball evaporated completely.

Elderly members of GAE then rushed onto the court in bio-hazard suits and burned an effigy of Gordon Brown's dog, Formby, before arming themselves with cricket stumps and warding off police.

GAE are a group dedicated to the removal of all canine species from the Wirral. They have been accused of several acts of sabotage, once cementing up the anuses of several winners at Crufts two years ago and disembowelling Paddy Ashdown's dog, Rambles, on Hampstead Heath last March in retaliation for the repeal of dog fouling fines for the under 60's.

Organisers are keen to launch an enquiry, possibly as soon as late 2014.